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Problems with father

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #191805

    Nick
    Participant

    Im kinda new here,used to read earlier but have never posted anything,sorry if I posted on wrong place or something.

    Some people look at their fathers as their idols or at least something positive that motivates them to go forward,but for me its totally opposite.I dont want to be anything like him,my anger accumulated through years,he was never there to support me,If im bad at something or not doing well enough he was always like blah blah you are like little girl,cant do this cant do that…Even when I was kid he was always like that-jerk and smartass.It hurts when nobody has faith in you and nobody supports you,It fucked me up right from the beginning,when I was little kid who trained and sport meant so much for me,I wasnt mentally strong enough to resist his and others negativity at same time,thats where it all started I guess.Many bad things happend till now and anger only accumulated,I never told him or mom anything about that,because I wanted to keep things in family cool,especially because of my younger sister,I dont want her to be collateral damage.Now there is a thing that is bothering me a little bit more than something usual between us and that is driving school,it may sound silly but its a bit longer problem so it evolved to bigger one.At first like 2 years ago when I was 17 he was like if you get good grades I will pay you driving school,of course my grades werent good enough so he started being smartass again.2 years later,19,everyone driving around(im not jealous just saying its something everyone else has learnt year ago or so) and he offered me to go to driving school,he is I like ‘you should be driving long time ago,everyone else already does…’.I dont really care too much about driving,its not a big deal to me,but there are times when I need a car for instance recently…I am going out with a girl who is working till late night usually and to go to some places near her or to her house I need either a car or a taxi because busses dont drive that late.As I dont drive I have to pay a taxi and if I taxi there taxi back and again and again I will get broke real fast.Also I cant be selfish and call her somewhere near me because she would have to pay taxi there and back…I refused when he offered me few months ago because I dont want him to pay me that,he didnt pay me anything bigger than snacks last 2-3 years because I refused everything,I dont really want him to afford me anything but on the other hand,before May-June I cant earn enough for driving school so I could finish it probably in December.Lets return to the girl Im hanging with,I can barely see her without car/taxi except I go to her workplace but that is totally different,so I would feel bad and angry for not seeing her and friends who live a bit further too.Not seeing some people>bad mood>blaming father for being smartass…and again.

    Not sure what should I do right now and how to overcome my anger towards him from problems before this one.

    #191841

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nick:

    It is sad to think of a little boy, the boy that you were, looking up to your father (and you did look up to him long ago as young boys naturally do), and getting as disappointed as you did. Being hurt by the very person one is looking up to is very painful. It is a betrayal, probably the first and most painful betrayal in a person’s life.

    I understand your anger, its intensity is proportional to that betrayal, to that disappointment, to that gap between how much you needed from him and what he gave you, negative messages, discouragement.

    Regarding your situation, I suppose you are living at home, with your father at nineteen, very young. I would have the goal in mind, if I was you, to live independently from your father as soon as you can, live elsewhere and have little or no contact with him, whatever it takes to no longer be on the receiving end of his messages.

    If he will pay for your driving lessons, let him, or for a car, let him pay, why not?

    anita

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