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Pushed by Shame or Running Shamefully

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • October 23, 2016 at 10:04 am #118750
    Kizzy Fields
    Participant

    I was dating an ex and he has cheated on me with a coworker and moved in with her the same day of our big fight. Now I have to live with the shame and regret of ever giving him the chance to do to me what he also did to me 17 years ago. I see this woman at work everyday and every time I see her I feel so ashamed and embarrassed which in turn makes me very angry at her. I’m having a hard time controlling my emotions when I see her and think about the betrayal. She and I are not friends but we have planned outings together in the past and we were cordial. She continued to be cordial with me even when she was sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back. And his cousin who also works with us knew of the affair because she’s the one who arranged it. She continued to speak to me too until last week when he moved in with the new woman. I’m ashamed and now I don’t want to go to work anymore. I have called in twice already to avoid seeing her and especially to avoid seeing him pick her up from work in her car like he was doing with me in my car. He doesn’t have a car because he just got out of prison a few months ago. (he was in there for 13yrs). She never knew him, I felt it was a good idea to date him again because I knew him (I used to be married to him) I divorced him while he was in prison. I always wanted to do something different anyway but felt it wasn’t as stable as my current job. It could be but I guess I was afraid I wasn’t ready. Now I’m strongly thinking of perusing it (substitute teaching ) I have a year left of school and then I will go on to be a full-time certified teacher. But I feel if I leave now everyone will know or think it’s because of the circumstances and I will be even more ashamed and embarrassed because I also live in a small town everyone already knows what happened what he did. Should I leave my job as a school bus driver to be a full-time substitute teacher or should I stay and do my best to avoid getting into conflict with him and her on my job. I don’t know how long I can control my emotions because they are constantly putting their relationship in my face.

    October 23, 2016 at 10:20 am #118752
    Kizzy Fields
    Participant

    I forgot to add that I am also very hurt and my anxiety has really been acting up since. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like this while at work the other day, I was having a hard time while driving the bus (filled with children ). I wanted to cry while I was driving. I get so nervous too and I can’t stop thinking about him and him and her. Sometimes I zone out with my thoughts of him and him and her, even while driving.

    October 23, 2016 at 11:05 am #118754
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lettingitgo:

    Clearly you should not return to your bus driving job. Take a break immediately, or quit, but do not return to the job effective immediately. Because, as you wrote, you sometimes zone out when driving. And so, your life and the life of the children on your bus, as well as other people using the roads, are at risk.

    You wrote that a con against leaving the job, for you, is that ” if I leave now everyone will know or think it’s because of the circumstances and I will be even more ashamed and embarrassed “-

    While you still attend your job, the people involved, the people who hurt you, are not harmed and still, as you wrote: ” they are constantly putting their relationship in my face.” So it is not harming them that you keep your job and it will make no difference to them if you take a break or quit it.

    Regarding your shame, I wonder what it is about? When we feel shame, as I know it, we believe that there is something wrong with us, that we are defected or inferior. What I don’t understand is what about the circumstances you described make you believe these things about yourself?

    anita

    October 23, 2016 at 11:16 am #118756
    Kizzy Fields
    Participant

    He called me on his phone with her listening in on the speaker. They both said and called me some terrible things (jealous of their relationship, not prettier than her etc. )I feel so betrayed and rejected by him. I guess I am embarrassed too that it ended with him treating me like this in front of her. And he is putting his relationship on display in front of his family and friends that we were just a week ago on display with. I feel
    like I’m being talked about every time I walk pass her, and everyone who knows.

    October 23, 2016 at 11:32 am #118760
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lettingitgo:

    It will be difficult to let it go (your user name) living in a small town and bumping into the same people.

    The fact that you were betrayed does not indicate that there is something wrong or shameful about you.

    You were hurt, betrayed. I was too. And I too thought it was my fault, that I caused it, something I did or didn’t do. But in my case, after many years, I realize it was not my fault. The person who hurt and betrayed me did so because (she) was not a decent person. Her behavior was an indication of who SHE was, not of who I was.

    See the difference?

    anita

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