Thank you Anita and Inky. I did not bring up the anxiety issue with him, but at the beginning of this week I did attempt to do some of the things I had promise him I would work on- being assertive and taking initiative to invite him to things. Even though our big “fight” about all of this was Saturday/Sunday, we only made it until yesterday without issue. On Monday I had invited him to rock climb on Friday, though in the morning rather than at night when he usually goes (last weekend we had even discussed how I would be able to participate in more activities if we could do them earlier, as I have a hard time with hard physical activity late at night, and he enthusiastically said he could do mornings if I suggested it). I also invited him to go for a hike/bike ride on Saturday as that is the only day the weather will be nice here.

Wednesday night (last night), he mentioned rock climbing with a friend on Saturday, but said he was going to tell him he preferred to go Friday. I was silent because honestly I was kind of stunned, and kind of reeling from the fact that in less than 48 hours he had forgotten that he had said he would go rock climbing with me. He noticed, and said “oh yeah, you wanted to go climbing on Friday.” Long story short, he then kept pushing me to go late afternoon/evening on Friday when I had originally said I wanted to go in the morning . He said “so if we (meaning him and his friend) go late in the afternoon you won’t have the energy and won’t want to go at all?” I even compromised and said I would go early afternoon, that I just didn’t want to go late and not get home until midnight or later. He responded by saying that he liked to go Friday nights because it’s a “Friday night thing, to go out on Friday nights.” I said I understood, but that I had a lot of homework to do Saturday which is why I didn’t want to be out late on Friday and why I originally suggested Saturday morning. He said “soo…you don’t like going on out Friday nights” in a really kind of dismissive tone, like there was something wrong with me.

We didn’t finish the conversation because I had walked into the kitchen to start making dinner, and I was so hurt by his behavior I didn’t know what to do. We argued about another issue a few minutes later, a camping trip we are trying to plan for after the semester is over. I had said a week ago that I didn’t want to go with a large group, that I preferred a smaller group especially because I won’t know any of the people he is inviting. He gets mad whenever we talk specific numbers, but had agreed on a smaller group. Last night, however, he named off at least 7+ people that were interested that he had talked to about it, who will also most likely bring friends. When I very quietly stated that I thought we had agreed on a smaller group, he again got very angry with me, and basically wanted an explanation for why I wasn’t as gung-ho about it as he was. I gave a few reasons, but he shot those down. Regardless, at the end of the day I just feel like he doesn’t care about my preference or what I’m comfortable with. This morning he started a facebook group and invited a bunch of people, even more names then he mentioned last night, and started planning with them. I have yet to respond to the group.

Anyway, I give all of this detail because I feel like 3 days after our big long discussions about our relationship, that I was hoping for more effort on his part to compromise with me. Instead, I felt again like he would only ever be happy if we did things exactly his way. We had issues only because I refused to back down from stating what I wanted. I didn’t even tell him “this is what we have to do or else” I just was trying to let him know where I stood and what would work for me. I was kind of shocked with how little he seemed to want to work with me and how little he cared for what I wanted. He just seemed to be mad and upset that I wasn’t as stoked about everything as he was. I was hurt by the fact that he forgot our plans for Friday (then remembered) and completely forgot our plans for Saturday. What’s the point of me making plans with him if he’s just going to conveniently “forget” about them when he has offers from other people that are more in line with what he wants?

I’m sorry I’m rambling here. It’s been a hard day and I’m exhausted. I don’t even want to talk to him about any of it because I’m just…tired. Tired of trying to make this work, tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don’t live my life exactly the way he does.

Thank you for listening, your thoughts on my taking care of myself helped me to not back down from re-stating what it was I wanted from these situations. I fear that our relationship will not survive, however. I feel like a failure, but I don’t know what else I can do without completely sacrificing all of my wants and needs.

Hi Mia,

Thank you for your reply. It’s so comforting and validating to know I’m not the only one that’s been in this situation. I battle myself constantly, swinging back and forth between “no, I know something is wrong here” and “I’m just being difficult, insecure, and a stick-in-the-mud and I need to try harder.”

I think what I’ve realized since posting from what you and others have said is that he does have his own set of issues that he is deflecting. And that one of the ways he deflects is by focusing on my issues. I never thought about it that way, because we never talk about him having issues.  The story he’s created is that he does have ADHD, but he takes meds and has done a ton of work to manage it, and uses his coping skills. That is what has allowed him to be successful in his master’s program and now his PhD, which obviously requires a great deal of time just sitting, researching, writing, and working on projects. I’m seeing now that I heard this story from him and I took it as the end of the story- he’s overcome his issues, and he functions well. That’s interesting to me, because though I function very well with anxiety, I know I always have my areas for improvement that I consistently work on.

One of his coping mechanisms is high activity. I’ve always been so supportive of all of this. But what I missed is that he still struggles greatly with planning and impulsiveness. And instead of acknowledging that and how it affects (and often hurts) the people around him, he has pretty much decided that those are aspects of himself and his ADHD that he is not willing to change or work on.

I know this because when we broke up in January, we talked about planning issues and how he just impulsively does things and doesn’t plan things well with me. He would rather he plans stuff and I join along, then I plan stuff and he joins along. In practice, he always has a say in my plans but I don’t have much in his, whether he realizes this or not. When I suggested we make plans together, check in with each other, etc., he literally acknowledged that he can do “some of that,” but at the end of the day he wants to do what he wants to do. This manifests itself in quite a few different ways. I’m seeing now that this is why he is so insistent on me “going with the flow” and forgetting our plans or being upset when I attempt to set some boundaries on some of the stuff we do together. There, of course, are times when he does try, but the effort is short lived and seems to be a struggle and a burden for him. When I’ve mentioned this to him, he often says things like “no, that’s just the way you’re interpreting it, that’s your perception.” But I’m not a crazy person with crazy expectations. I spend a lot of time with him and know how he operates, I think he just doesn’t like that I can see through the facade he puts up sometimes, because I’ve watched him do it with other people.

So, extremely long explanation here again. Sorry about that. Basically I agree- he still has major issues from ADHD that he refuses at this point to even acknowledge and instead states them as normal aspects of his personality. I think perhaps this is what Anita was saying earlier. He completely missed an important meeting he had with a child last week. When another person on the project asked him where he was and told him that she needed to know in advance if he was going to miss a meeting like that, he was very angry at her. He expressed this to me and acted like she was being unreasonable, he said he forgot so of course he couldn’t let her know next time because he didn’t know he was going to miss it. All of the focus was on her response, which I truly thought was mild and professional considering the situation. But instead of lamenting and saying “wow I really blew it here, I feel so bad about disappointing this kid,” he directed all of those feelings of shame at this woman. I didn’t point any of that out, but I did say “everyone makes mistakes, and you feel badly about this and will do your best to make it up next time” but it didn’t really seem to calm him down. What I took away from this situation was his unwillingness to look at how his ADHD is still having a major impact on his life. I mean, he’s never forgotten or missed a time to hang out with someone to do one of his activities. His priorities are clear, and he gets upset and defensive any time anyone challenges or looks at that. Which is why, I think, I’ve subconsciously learned not to bring it up.

I’ve thought about what you’ve said and I will most likely talk to him today. I may bring these things up. I hear you, and always want to feel like I gave it one last try. I think my problem here is I’m very tired. I’ve tried a lot. And even if by some miracle he does acknowledge his issues, he would have to commit to change. I don’t have much hope that this will be the case, given past discussions. I guess we will see.

Again, thank you. I’m sorry you went through this too. If you’re anything like me, you’ve worked so, so hard on your anxiety issues and felt like you had made a ton of progress, but being with your ex made you feel like you were still failing constantly. It’s hard to feel supported and encouraged when there is so much blame being directed at you, especially in the extremely subtle, back-handed and often manipulated ways it is. I don’t think they are bad people, I think they are doing the best they can with where they are at. I just don’t think we are on the same page anymore.

Hi Anita,

I attempted to post earlier but I don’t think it went through. We ended our relationship this morning. We both knew it was at an end, but I went over there to essentially finalize and have a final discussion after not speaking to each other all day yesterday (unheard of for us). Though the split was civil and amicable, and we said kind things to each other, he did not apologize for the ways he hurt me this week by forgetting our plans in favor of more enticing ones that came along. He acknowledged that this happened, and acknowledged his unwillingness to change or compromise. This was confirmation to me of all the things I’ve been discussing here. We did not focus on any of this, as it seemed pointless and draining considering we were ending the relationship because we both knew it would not be resolved. I did not wish to force him to admit he was being selfish and to apologize. He stated that he does not want to change who he is, and it’s not for me to tell him he needs to make that change. It was just our time to part ways. He did want to stay friends, and I told him I would need some space and time to re-calibrate.

I am so grateful for everyone’s messages on here, as they have helped me think about and work through some very painful and confusing days. I’m sad and hurt, but deep down know this is for the best.

I believe you are right, Anita, when you talk about my fundamental belief that I am wrong that was with me before this relationship. I also believe it stems from childhood. I currently intern at a domestic violence shelter, and it is from this experience that I learned that my step-father of 11 years was extremely controlling as well as emotionally and economically abusive. I have other issues from childhood as well. I have been seeing a therapist on campus for awhile now, but our focus shifts and we’ve dealt a lot with my anxiety and history of sexual assault, as for the duration of this relationship I’ve believed that those were my primary problems. I’m seeing now that I need to focus more on why I always tend to blame myself when things are difficult.

Thank you for your insight. I’ve spent many years on a journey to healing and wholeness, and despite the sadness I feel from this relationship, I am excited and grateful to be continuing this journey and see what else I am able to learn from this situation.