My raw emotions exposed…

I want to share my life…I realize I can’t make others care. I feel a strong desire to share my day, my ups and downs and real reality stories & feelings with others. Often I feel no one is listening or caring – which (at times) leaves me with feelings of not being worthy of other’s caring…(it ‘feels’ that way). This creates confusion and hurt sometimes deep in my heart. I persevere through…I always survive.

I don’t know if it’s an age thing, re: getting older? Cause years ago when my daughter was home & thoughts of when I was younger – positive people & good, caring friends were abundant & flocked to me – I was strong and I had my niche in life secured – it all came naturally. I was a Mother. THAT was my position in life – THAT is what drove me. Sure, I made mistakes along the way, I experienced drama, heavy emotions, etc – but I continually learned lessons. I always felt extremely grounded ‘back then’ – and I don’t feel that way anymore. I am not necessarily ‘lost’ – but I don’t feel grounded anymore. I’m such a wonderfully passionate person…and I’m thinking now that I may be someone who requires a ‘niche’ in life to be ultimately grounded within my own self in order to feel truly alive & living, ya know? Back then was day to day hands-on Motherhood. My daughter is 21 now and although, yes – I am still her Mother…so much has changed and she doesn’t live at home anymore – she lives independently with her boyfriend now…but she is not my daily, grounding, hands-on responsibility niche anymore, know what I mean? My current independent solo life is not real enough soulful living for a passionate person like me. I am describing how I ‘feel’ here – nothing else…just letting my raw emotions out right now…the good news is that I am letting those emotions flow freely as I write this…(through some tears which I am openly allowing to let flow)…which is a breakthrough onto itself. So, this is good. Thanks for listening (reading).

I have always felt inspired by Tiny Buddha articles and safe within this website. So, that’s a good thing. Thanks for being there for my emotions when I have struggled. I feel the world stifles me at times. I find that I feed off other people – i.e. I feel fueled/empowered (as an emotion) when I am in social settings. I am a deeply loyal friend & very passionate about that characteristic I have chosen for myself. Yet, I am confused with feelings of disrespect from those friends that I am so loyal too. Either they don’t make time for me on a regular basis or they are forgetting who I am and how caring & loyal I actually am as a friend. I recognize that I should spend time alone with my thoughts (like I am doing right now) and what I am needing most right now is strength from within…to allow myself to be who I am emotionally – let those emotions out – freeing myself from the inside. Then use that strength to move past fear that holds me back inside from going out into the world and finding a niche for myself & hopefully making some good, positive, grounded new friends, too! I’ve been thinking boxing or kick boxing might be a good place to start to ignite my natural inner passion in a healthy, productive, positive way & gain strength inside…yet it’s like I’m waiting for some grand gesture from who knows where to literally knock on my door & tell me it’s time for me to go live my life now…to say, “Megan, here’s your gear – put it on and lace up your shoes – you have a boxing or kickboxing class (or some other appropriate new niche) to get to…it’s time to truly live again, Megan from the inside out…this is your time to feel alive and be strong…you will be great – you will be better than you ever imagined possible…the world is waiting for someone just like you, Megan!”

As I just wrote that – I realized that I was that person knocking on the door and those were my own words speaking to me. (I have always enjoyed writing whenever feeling emotional). I just haven’t quieted my mind and allowed myself that ‘me’ time to do it in awhile….in fact it’s hard for me to quiet long to find inner peace long enough to do so. Nevertheless, I just did it & it feels healthy. It actually feels like I’m nurturing myself (for a change!!!) …I need to do that more. How can I do that more? Honestly, I feel genuinely safe emotionally within Tiny Buddha. Thank you for being there for me. Truly – I appreciate this safe haven. It’s working! Thanks!

I find that I am more able to even consider allowing moments such as this tonight to flow and give myself permission to release safely
when I do not have the burden of others around me. Yet, when I am able to dismiss others & not feeling obligated to be the best passionate loyal friend in the world to everyone else – because I take pride in being that person – a passionate, positive & loyal friend. I notice I don’t get that same energy in return from everyone else…I feel I want to shout that to them…officially tell these friends that they let me down on a regular basis and that if they are not part of the solution then they are part of the problem kinda thing, ya know? Can I tell them that I need to be selfish with my time, energy & effort in order to heal myself? Can I actually say that? Then I would be completely alone…invisible. But, I’m thinking right at this very moment writing this…that it’s peace I need in order to get strong…and find my niche in life…in order to feel empowered.
These friends don’t offer me that peaceful, consistently dependable feeling. Once empowered, I can be that much better of a friend, too – but I give them all my energy and efforts now – despite how they disappoint me emotionally. …which leaves nothing for me to give to empower myself…and I just remain unfulfilled that way. This leaves me with feelings of being misunderstood and not grounded. I want to live. I’m a good, positive, passionate person. I never get ahead because I keep naturally allowing me to put myself last and put everyone else & everyone else’s needs before my own…

…Where is that knock at the door from my friends??…Can’t my friends recognize my feelings of life’s sacrifice for them and do the grand gesture I’m waiting for…the knock at my door with all of them saying, “Megan – we see how much you emotionally sacrifice your everything in order to be a loyal friend to all of us. We know we take for granted the loyal positivity and loyal caring that we can always count on you giving us. You have never needed our permission to live your life and make your soul fulfilled and happy for yourself, Megan. We will support you & encourage you to be all that you can be. We will be consistently sensitive & understanding to your journey & to your heart and to your soul. We will be dependable & consistent with your heart. We will offer you all our unique personalities & talents & friendship to be dependable team players for ‘Team Megan’ so that you feel encouraged, supported and empowered – always. You can consistently count on us to be there for you in whatever capacity we can offer to you as individuals & whatever you need to gain strength and feel empowered and grounded in your life. Go take this world by storm! We believe in you, Megan!”

(*BIG TEARS*)

I’m always smiling & positive with everyone – at work, etc…but I only give myself entertainment or drinks or social time…never really ‘soulful me time’. I think I need more of that – obviously…this is what this writing tonight is all about.

So there it all is…this is what my raw emotion flowing through my fingers looks like. WOW!

Any and all thoughts are appreciated & always welcome!

Thank you for ‘feeling’ me tonight & giving me a safe haven to share those raw feelings…

THE END?!

~Megan