Really Need some constructive advice and insight please.

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    So This is my story. I have been in a relationship for a year and a few months. We met online and chatted online for about a year. He passed my house almost everyday but could never find the time to meet up with me……At the time I did not know but he was in a relationship….friend with benefits, he only told me a few months into our relationship.

    When we met we were basically inseparable except when his wife (he has been separated for 3 years) insisted he goes and stays at he house to look after their daughter that was 16/17 at the time….even though the daughter goes out till 12/1 in the morning. I used to get real upset about this as the daughter could come to her father but she does whatever she want and both her parents allow her to do so. ( the mother would be with her lover/s for the time she insisted he stays there)

    Anyway we move in together and he is a chef so we have maybe half a day that we spend together as he is always going to see his daughter whenever he has time off. We are now actually not even sharing a bedroom as he wants the door open all nite and I like to have it closed. I suggested we have it open one night and closed the next, no he could not do that. I work as well 6 days a week and do everything in the house……clean after his daughters dog that lives with us as she is to busy to take care of the dog. I clean, cook, wash, shop etc……. He does nothing besides walk the dog and do his own ironing. We share all living expenses 50/50.

    The thing is we are mostly having arguments and although from the start we were so damned in love now I feel he has so much of personal baggage in his world that we just can not get it worked out…

    What I want to know is it this really worth staying or should I just walk away???????
    Is there anything that I can do to make this work???????



    It seems from your words that the intimacy you have with him is a lot less than what you would like to have. Not sleeping in the same bedroom, not spending much time with one another… those might be a fine relationship for some, but if it is something you don’t like, that’s fine, and worth honoring. Considering you’re not that far into a relationship with him, and there are some pretty heavy red flags waving, it might be easier to walk away. Transforming what you have into what youd like to have would require mutual growth, mutual commitment, mutual compromise. Does that sound like something you think he wants to do? What do you want to do?

    Perhaps if you look inside and figure out what you want, both ideally if you were to get all of your dreams to come true, as well as realistically, recognizing that compromise is often essential. This might help you understand your needs… or “deal breakers” that if ignored lead your heart to yearn for a different path. You do not sound unreasonable in wanting to see certain things in your relationship. The only unreasonable thing that comes up from those needs is demanding others change. We can invite them, ask them, but their growth is between them and their heart. Said differently, we can invite them to step to the plate and join us in a mutually nourishing experience, and if they decline, move on.

    With warmth,

    Chris Hoffman

    Ok, coming from a closed minded, rigid, over simplified person,

    If this guy is still married but separated that sorrowful to hear. Ok sounds like he’s married, and has a mistress, gets divorced? seperates and you are next. You do most of the work. Just from your standpoint, maybe not being in the same bed is good because it tests the relationship past the physical part, the down side is its lonely. Something must replace it. If its difficult to relax, there is a great book called leisure the basis of culture. In our western world, we must accept that leisure is a part of the culture. So if your really committed, see what is enjoyable for you both, whether it be watching sports or playing cards. Something where you can both relax, have effortlessness, which is easier said than done. If your response is “how can we have leisure when we are building the house aka working towards a common goal,?” and rightly so, if its time to work its time to work. This is not lightly pushed aside. If your life is past what is bare existence and you can assess your intellectual, moral and spiritual assets(no small task), then leisure must be looked at. Celebration is the soul of leisure. See what your common belief is and celebrate that. If there is none, pray for one. If you have the time see if you can take a class together, and attend a church together, where pieper says true leisure exists. The relaxing acceptance of church and being in common with others is intended to be a liberating experience that builds relationships and community and you may even make some new friends!! And hey you have some friends here too., so in the name of fred, keep on rollin baby, pre 9-11, check out those towers




    For the replies I really wanted to get more just to understand if the feeling and the emotions I have is wrong. I maybe I have no understanding of how a relationship works. I am in a confused place at the moment. If we have only been together for a year and some months does that mean we are just never gonna work if we already is so much tension and issues in this relationship????? Is it because I need and want to much from a relationship. Should I as he always says that I should just except him for what he is when it does not gel with who I am.

    Should I cut my losses and just get on with my own life. I really need some help here PLEASE.


    Hi Sandy
    What this guy is really saying is, I am like this and you have to accept me the way I am…. fair enough we cant change no one, no matter how much we want a relationship with them.
    Now can you accept him the way he is? this is something you have to think about, because if you know that you are not going to be happy with the way things are after dating for over one year… it doesn’t look like its gonna change much, unless he wants to make the changes, does it make sense? and since he has already said he is ok with the way things are, its unlikely he is going to change.

    Its obvious from your post that you are not happy the way he is treating you and you want more from a relationship than he is willing to give, to be honest I guess this relationship is not what you are looking for, and only you can tell if you are willing to wait a bit longer to see if things improve?? which most of the times it doesn’t, cause some guys think, if shes ok with it now, she will be ok with it in the long run, no matter how many discussions you will have if someone is unwilling to change there is nothing we can do. This is why some relationships don’t work out, even after many years, one party is giving their 100% to make it work and the other is just not showing effort, so in the end you end up resentful and angry, that’s when all those arguments start spiraling, if I were u I would cut my losses.. You can go years and years and still things may remain the same. reading your post he is just not willing to make the effort because he is happy the way things are.. So my advice would be.. can you put up with the way things are? does this relationship brings you happiness and joy? keep the way things were when you guys first met to one side for now, just think about what is happening now Sis, remember you are in this relationship too, we cant just accept what the other party is giving us, we have to know what we want too.
    The arguments and tensions are coming from your unhappiness…. if things don’t improve the argument its not gonna change, cause the problem is constantly there, u may forget it for a few days and pretend all is ok, but that problem is still there, you are not happy the way he is treating you… sometimes we have to think carefully what we truly want from a relationship, The reason im saying this is, I have had a few long term relationships and things don’t change just because we want someone to change, we end up unhappy, and we feel down just because we love someone and they don’t treat us the way we want to be treated, it damages our self esteem and confidence. the best advice is, know what you are willing to accept and what you truly want from a relationship, if you know deep down in your heart that this relationship is not making you happy, its better to cut your losses now and move on, its gonna hurt but sometimes its better to move on now than to spend years and years trying to change someone and in the long run we end up breaking up anyway…

    WE are the only one who can make people treat us the way we want to be treated, don’t accept anything less or someone’s gonna have control over our life. He is telling you, this is what I am and you have to accept me the way I am, and you are saying …this is not what I want??

    Hope my advice helps




    Hi Bernadette,

    Yes thank you that really did help a lot. The thing is maybe I will never ever find a man that will be what I am looking for. Damn I have had so many relationships and I somehow never feel fulfilled or I feel I give to much and get too little back… Why is it that men think sex is everything and as long as they have sex the relationship is working. To me the biggest turn on is mental stimulation and seeing somebody that wants to grow as a person. Is it that I expect a man to also want to become more tuned into the reality of life???

    This man has to drive a BMw and wear Ralf Lauren clothes and Ray ban glasses, He has to drink every night and the only thing he ever enjoys watching on tv is football. I find that so damned shallow and silly. How do I find a person with norms and a need be wanting change and growth.

    Why is that so hard to find?????


    Hi Sandy
    Sounds like this guys loves himself too much to have any love for anyone else,, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with him? you’ve said it yourself, damn shallow and silly, yes I have met these kind of guys, they have nothing to offer to a relationship, they love the idea of being in a relationship but guess what? you will have to do all the hard work to keep the relationship together, this is the reason he told you to accept him as he is…. He knows the way he is and he wont have time to change for anyone, he is too busy with himself to care for anyone else, Ive dated someone similar sometime ago, it lasted only 3 months, luckily I saw him for what he truly was and ended it before he broke my heart.
    No you are not looking for perfectionism, you are looking for a normal relationship were two people meet each other halfway, just know there is nothing wrong with you and what you are asking is perfectly normal.



    Hello Sandy,

    I agree with Bernadette. I just recently go out of a 3 year relationship. My ex was like that all those years, he always said that he will never change and continue to do things as he likes, yes he would be sweet and gave me his time. But to go out on the weekend or you know like a normal couple he never wanted but to just watch tv or hangout with his family and when he wanted to go out the weekend he would leave me always!

    Certain things i didnt like, but i really liked him so much that i continued the relationship, but in those years there was a lot of arguements because he never changed.

    I dont want the same thing to happen to you, so you still have time to think about it. The consequences are you hurt yourself a lot at the end, and you loose self confidence and who you are and loose time.

    I am also planning to seek a therapist because i am damaged of that relationship.

    Good luck to you!



    Hi Edlin,

    Thank you for your reply. I know we are both very unhappy he wants love, hugs, cuddles, and of course sex. I do not go there anymore because I need emotional and mental stimulation and I do not get that. I am not playing tit for tat. It is just that I do not feel loved or stimulated to go there with him anymore. He also refers to sex as f….ng and I really hate that make me feel like I am just a body to him. The fact is it feels that way too.

    I have to be honest tho I am very demanding as I want and love to have the house very need and tidy. I will never even leave a teaspoon dirty and not put away. I do not think I have OCD but I like order. I feel uneasy if I have a mess around me. So I know I am not easy to live with.

    Thank you for replying and giving me some insight

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