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Really Tough Times

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by VJ.
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  • October 24, 2017 at 8:31 am #174595
    Kayla
    Participant

    I’ll try to make this short.  I’m going through a divorce, filed for it last November before Thanksgiving – I wanted it.  I was in a bad marriage where my ex husband had terrible anger issues and would kick me out of the house throughout the years when we got into a bad fight.  I never cheated on him, didn’t have bad money issues, wasn’t a bad person (so I thought) I think I just tried and believed in love for 10 years.  We have two beautiful children from it – ages 9 and 6, both boys.  And now that I’ve had the courage to leave what a roller coaster ride it’s been.

    Here’s my situation – my kids are with me 90 percent of the time and my ex husband lives about 2 hours away, they see their dad every other weekend.  I’m not going to lie, its tough being a single mom.  Over the summer there were times they didn’t see him for about a month and I had to navigate that.  I also applied for a job that was completely out of my career spectrum, did it just for money’s sake, got the job and everyone was proud of me but of course it was contingent on passing a state exam, which I failed twice and then I got let go.  I fell into a terrible depression because of that.  I also got involved with my neighbor, who is 10 years younger than me.  I think I was just lonely and vulnerable.  Well, after I got fired things went downhill for us as well.  I went on a vacation for a week and then came back and he totally stopped talking to me.  To this day he’s only texted me probably 2 times with no explanation for his absence.  Again, I didn’t do anything wrong, don’t know why or how I deserved his silence.

    So here I am, I have 2 part time jobs, don’t know what to do with my life.  I’m 42 years old, feeling lonely, depressed, anxious, scared.  I was on antidepressants but got off of it.  I see a therapist, spiritual counselor, I run, talk to friends, try and get into nature and it seems like I can’t shake this depression.  I’m scaling back on social media and will be leaving my volunteer position at my kids’ school.  I want to be alone most of the time and I’m tired of talking to people whereas I’m usually open about my pain and suffering.

    Any advice, any articles you’d like for me to read, I could sure use the help.  I’m not suicidal, just not really present.  I actually feel very very lost.

    October 24, 2017 at 9:47 am #174631
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Kayla,

    I’m really sorry to hear what you must be going through. Is there anyway you can join a supportive (face to face) network with other single Moms? Sometimes it helps, when people can support each other when faced with a particular situation such as divorce, grief, being a single Mom, etc. Also, is there any way you can consider going back on Antidepressants? Even just temporarily, and Anti-anxietu medications? Sometimes, that will give you the motivation you need to talk to people. The worst thing right now, is to go through this alone.

    As far as that man, instead of texting which can be a bit impersonal and distant, is there anyway you can call him, and invite him out for a cup of coffee? Things seemed to be going so well, before you went on vacation, maybe he got sad that you didn’t call him while you were on vacation, and he took it as a sign of not caring. Some people can be like that. Or maybe he thought you took someone on vacation with you, maybe another man, etc. I would chalk it up to a lack of communication or a simple misunderstanding. Try to take it one day at a time. It will get better. Do nice things for yourself. Try to find something to look forward to, perhaps an online dating site, or if you like animals, volunteer at your local animal sanctuary, maybe join a book club, or go to a local dog park. I have met lots of men doing this. Take a nice bubble bath, listen to some soothing music, watch something funny on TV. Try to distract yourself. Each day will get a little better. x

    October 24, 2017 at 12:24 pm #174661
    Kayla
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply Eliana.  I definitely have a lot of support and normally don’t have a problem talking.  I’m actually just very tired of talking.  I go to a therapist bi weekly and a spiritual counselor monthly.  I have several single mom friends and even lead a group.  Heck, I even have my own divorce blog! lol  I’ve loaded myself up with distractions that are now becoming habits, can’t manage them because my depression is kicking in and now I’m exhausted.  I almost feel like they took away from my healing because I wasn’t addressing them.

    I stopped the anti depressents because they were making me sick to my stomach.  I wasn’t eating as a result, I had to force myself to eat and lost 10 pounds in 1 month.  And now that I’m off them I feel like they did worse for me than any good because my roller coaster is on a major low.  I know I can get through this without medication especially since I’m not suicidal or dangerous.

    As for the neighbor, it’s fine but very painful because he lives next door.  I thought I did everything I could in terms of communication.  I would tell him that I’m going through tough times and that I’m probably not in the best shape for a relationship but I like him and if anything changes between us to let me know.  I got hurt and angry that he couldn’t honor that as honest as I was with him.  I’m also tired of being the strong, the one who communicates.  It’s so frustrating.  I gave up on communicating with him because it was almost like communicating with my ex – I was as honest as I could be but my ex would just get to a boiling point, hold it all in and yell at me in front of my kids; this guy just didn’t talk and did a disappearing act and now my 6 year old asks about him all of the time.  Then again, he may have done me a favor, I suppose I don’t want a man like that in my life.

    Sorry I’m throwing a major pity party lol.  I’m soooo tired.  Tired of being strong, being unique, being myself.  I want to be positive, to have an endless resource of energy for people that I love, I’m just having such a hard time lifting myself to that point.

    October 24, 2017 at 3:02 pm #174671
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Kayla,

    I really do understand..as I have been there. I too just got tired of everything, tired of reaching out, tired of being strong, tired of constant disappointment, tired of trying to stay motivated, when I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. Tired of calling friends. Tired of my 12 step programs and being a sponsor, just plain old tired of life.

    That’s when I knew I had to do something. Therapy didn’t help, support groups didn’t help, dating didn’t help, nothing helped. I pretty much have up. I went on Antidepressants. Like you, I got sick to my stomach and has horrendous side effects. I was on Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Cymbalta. These meds made me feel like a zombie, numbed my emotions. They are in a class of medications called SSRI’S. (Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitors).  There are many different classes of medications out there. Then I went to my Psychiatrist, and said do something! They did a cheek swab (it’s new and being offered in Doctor’s offices now) they match you up (cheek swab) with the right antidepressant. I was put on Remeron. It’s an older antidepressant and not really in any “class” but it was a Godsend. I finally got my life back. I’m still on it, was put on it in 1995. Then I had another cheek swab and was also put on Wellbutrin which I believe is an SNRI class of antidepressants. 8m just saying don’t give up on something that may work very well for you. x

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.
    October 24, 2017 at 7:42 pm #174699
    Kayla
    Participant

    Thank yo so much Eliana for sharing.  It helps to get a similar story, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me lol.  I’ll have to research on that med.  Thank you THANK YOU!!

    October 24, 2017 at 11:39 pm #174705
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Kayla,

    Nothing has happened to you other than that you have become mentally exhausted after life’s challenges thrown at you.

    Most of the times there may be nothing extra that is needed…..Simply lying down and breathing is needed.

    – try Conscious breathing

    (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/conscious-breathing-simplest-way-work-emotional-pain-enjoy-life/)

    When the blocked energy in the head (or body) is dissolved, you will start to regain control of your life back again. You will start talking to people again and start to make decisions on what is needed in any particular situation.

    Regards,
    ~VJ

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