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reconciliation of a long distance relationship

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  • August 15, 2016 at 7:08 pm #112434
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    I re-read all your posts on this thread, trying to understand your situation. These are my thoughts:

    You invested a lot in this relationship traveling every other month from Manila to Maine.

    When you arranged to be with him last June for his colonoscopy that was extremely loving of you, to arrange it and then spend the preparation day with him.

    You call yourself petty and bratty but I don’t see justification for you using these adjectives to describe yourself. There is nothing petty or bratty of you traveling from Manila to be with him for his colonoscopy in Maine!

    You wrote “He told me once that he has never “given his heart to anyone ” and that I may be that first person he’ll love” He is 65 and he told you that he never gave his heart to anyone. This means he is not a loving man.

    You wrote that he is distant and cold. This means he is … not a loving man.

    For some reason you felt calm in his presence, maybe because he doesn’t get angry (or loving) and is reliable that way, no arguing on his part- you see it as strength.

    Point it, you repeatedly noticed he is distant and inattentive to you. I sure hope you can have a relationship with a man who will not cheat on you like your ex boyfriends AND who will be loving and attentive to you. This one- … why reconcile? No love there as I see it.

    Wish you know a loving relationship with a loving man. Sorry you are experiencing pain over this one. I don’t think he is worth your pain and longing…

    anita

    August 15, 2016 at 11:18 pm #112462
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita for your reply! Everybody who has met him with me especially my parents have noticed that he is “not loving” that’s why they don’t like him. He told me that our relationship just collapsed and its irreversible. I blame myself for that for not being understanding or accepting of what he can offer me at this time (because he said he is trying to improve). I am the eldest and only girl of 3 children, so somehow I was spoiled by my parents and brothers. So maybe I’m just expecting too much from him. I told him I made him my world. I drop everything that I’m doing for him. I leave the hospital, travel from manila to Maine (I’m not counting) but that’s because I love him. I defied my parents every time I go to Maine. My parents are very conservative and they don’t get the concept of divorce and of me going to Maine instead of him coming to manila. I relayed this to him and asked him if he doesn’t want to “sell” himself to me and my family. He said its either I take him as he is or I leave. This was in april. So in June when this kind of situation happened again about him not being “affectionate and attentive” that when I broke up with him. It’s difficult for me because he hasn’t taken my apology, no second chances and I really feel that he is a loss to me. It’s been 2 months now and I haven’t heard from him. It’s just so weird that we have all of a sudden become history. I hope he realized to forgive me, that if he felt I gave our relationship up easily, I regret that and I apologize for that and I hope he’ll give me the chance to be more understanding and accepting of who he is. Partly, I am reliever of this “no contact” rule because it makes me think clearer but unfortunately I am panicking because we are losing our connection very quickly. We are not even friends. I am torn between moving on and holding on. Then I will tell myself after that I will just have to let go and let God. Am I wrong? What else can I do?

    August 15, 2016 at 11:23 pm #112463
    Arlene
    Participant

    I know I am a good person. I am well loved and respected by my family, friends, peers and patients. I have a wonderful pet. I am doing well over-all. What makes me sad which is ironic is despite being surrounded by these miracles, the only person I want and live doesn’t care. I have consulted a psychiatrist friend about this and now undergoing psychotherapy. I’m also keeping myself busy so I can forget him. He has occupied my thoughts over time. I am sad.

    August 16, 2016 at 7:53 am #112481
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    I hope you find out in therapy why you have and had such a strong desire to make an unloving man change and love you. If you are thirsty, let’s say, for water, it would make sense that you will go to a stream of water to drink, and not to a rock and try to get water out of it.

    If you are in need to be loved by a man, when you traveled to Maine and when you still attempt to reach out to him, it is you trying to get water out of a rock. The idea that you can thrills you… but it is an impossible quest.

    You apologized to him again and again for no reason. Doesn’t seem to me at all that you were wrong. You reacted to his uncaring by crying and getting angry. That is natural. You are human, not a saint.

    Do look into what appeals to you in a non loving man, in therapy… Do you have any idea at this point, what appeals to you so much in changing an unloving person (a rock) to a loving person (water)?

    anita

    August 16, 2016 at 8:27 am #112482
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thanks Anita! I value your inputs. I will try to ask my psychiatrist why I’m suffering from this kind of behavior. I also need to know why I feel lost and why his loss is leaving me empty. Thanks for your patience I really appreciate it.

    August 16, 2016 at 8:42 am #112483
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    You are very welcome. Of course, your psychiatrist can not answer you why you feel or do what you do. The answers are in you. Another person can only ask you and help you uncover the answers from inside of you.

    Please do post anytime and I will reply.

    anita

    August 16, 2016 at 4:12 pm #112529
    Arlene
    Participant

    I wanted to make our relationship work, despite the distance, the opposition from my parents, his attitude towards me in person. On FaceTime we always talk about articles on how to make relationships work unfortunately it was all purely theoretical in person. I used to just think that he had so much on his plate right now, an 8 yr old daughter, who lives in Florida making him travel and stay 2 weeks in Maine and 2 weeks in Florida. I was there and I saw the life he lived in both places. I saw how caring he was to his daughter and family. Whe I see that, I feel like an outside because he doesn’t include me.i don’t know probably because I always have this “fix it” attitude that I feel devastated when he said he doesn’t believe in fixing things. It was a cruel thing to say but I am trying to understand him. Maybe I hurt him too much to say those things, maybe he felt betrayed when I left him. How do you unlove and unmiss someone. I wish I could go back and did things differently.

    August 16, 2016 at 8:17 pm #112549
    Arlene
    Participant

    I hope and pray that we can meet up and just talk. How do I do that?

    August 16, 2016 at 8:24 pm #112551
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    I wish I could help you. I can read your sadness and your strong attachment to him. You agreed earlier that he is an unloving man, at least to the women in his life so far, by his own words. And yet, you long for him.

    He also stated that the relationship is over, that you should move on, that he doesn’t believe in second chances, and so, it is over. But your life is not over. There has to be a better option for you out there, a loving man who is interested in you!

    Try to accept that this relationship is over. Make peace with it, please.

    anita

    August 16, 2016 at 10:22 pm #112576
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita!

    I hope and pray that I can find this peace soon. I am back to work and being functional again. I just wish this wave of longing and depression will soon disappear. I really do wish him well. Although We haven’t communicated for almost 2 months. I wish to erase the guilt, the hurt, the regret and resentment. I do hope to be happy again by myself. Best regards to you!

    August 17, 2016 at 11:23 am #112676
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    Thank you and best regard to you. For the longing and depression to disappear, try to not fight it but to accept it best you can. If you do, it is likely to disappear sooner than if you fight it. I see no reasonable guilt on your part at all, in this story. I just don’t. I wish you didn’t feel guilty when you are not!

    Post anytime.

    anita

    August 18, 2016 at 2:18 am #112732
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita for your wisdom! I am praying for my emotional recovery, for the hurt and bitterness to disappear. All the best to you. I hope that both of us will be healed. I just want a personal meeting with him so I can understand why he let me go that easy.

    August 18, 2016 at 7:11 am #112741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    Logically, he let you go because he was not and is not emotionally attached to you. You are very attached to him but seems like he is not emotionally attached to you. So he is okay without you in his life.

    It is emotional attachment to another person that pulls us toward contact with that person- it is a motivation to be with that person. It is like thirst that motivates you to drink. If you are not thirsty, you are not motivated to drink.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    August 18, 2016 at 7:28 am #112744
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I read somewhere about ego love versus true love. I think I’m suffering from the former. I feel like how could he have given me up? I’m not after his money (as he claimed from his previous relationship). I have not even asked him to marry me. I am content with our long distance relationship as long as we promise to be loyal and committed to the relationship, it’s just that affection and attention are lacking. I’m getting better, and thanks for being a part of that healing through this thread.

    August 18, 2016 at 7:45 am #112746
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    You are welcome. I will continue to reply every time you post here. Try to accept and absorb the reality of the situation. No matter how intensely you wish and desire fantasy, reality will not accommodate your wishing and desiring. Reality will be what it is. Accept that he is not emotionally attached to you. Accept the nature of your attachment to him.

    Reality will feel better for you if you see it for what it is, accept it best you can and relax into it. There is no other option (other than momentary escape into daydreaming and make-believe) for mental well being.

    anita

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