Sapna,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand your “split” or the feeling of being happy with yourself, but fearful when you connect. Sometimes when we’re recovering from codependency habits we can feel like we’re happy and strong alone or in surface level friendships, but having to hold back the need to grab on and latch on to others. This is normal, usual and heals with time and a little effort. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you’ve had many years of the old patterns, where you neglected yourself, sacrificed yourself. This has perhaps lead you to mistrust yourself. If you had been in an abusive relationship with a man, then consider how the next man would scare you. “Will he abuse me too?” “Are all men the same? Violent? Neglectful?”. Here though, perhaps it isn’t the other that scares you, but yourself. “Can I love and express myself without falling into codependency?”

The answer, sadly, is yes and no. Because you’re still settling old patterns of neglect, learning to love yourself completely, the feeling of being “safe” in your own skin and heart is slow growing. That’s normal, dear sister, it takes time. Consider perhaps that you’re scared of your codependency, and so try to avoid situations or relationships that might endanger you, that might cause the latching on, losing yourself again.

That’s just fear, and can settle with time, as you begin to trust yourself again. Consider that you might latch, but that you know what to do if that happens. Self nurture, accepting your light grows only when you grow it… not because of his love or their laughter or someone tells you that you’re good or funny or loved. Sapna, loving yourself is a journey of loving and accepting the whole picture. Perhaps because of the sticky and painful experiences, you’re still angry with yourself, which pushes the mistrust. For instance “How could I be so stupid to act codependently?” or “Sure, people like the happy me, but the sad me has no space in their heart, and therefore deserves no space in mine.” All normal stuff to be happening, not a big deal, not broken… just limping. 🙂

Consider the solution is what you’ve already been doing (but neglecting a little perhaps with all the attention and bustle of friendships and laughter). Deepen your care of Sapna, dear sister. Don’t blame yourself for your patterns, don’t be harsh with yourself. Be kind, be gentle, be tender. Even with your codependency, even with your history. You’ve been through the worst of it, dear friend, because now you have strong nurturing skills, so even if you do latch and get all bedazzled by the connections, any crash will be met by your tender hands.

That being said, recovering from codependency isn’t about having no needs, not having hopes and dreams of what a relationship means, or being unwilling or unable to ask your friends and partner for help, attention and caring. Instead, its taking time to self nurture, do your best, and if you need some comfort in his arms or in their heart, to ask for it. The main issue with codependency, in my opinion, isn’t the latching and chaos. Its the fear we have that others only love us for our strength, and so we become scared to express our needs and desires.

Being strong isn’t having no needs, no fears… strength is having them, and talking about them, asking for a hug when we need a hug, a meal when we need a meal. It only turns codependent when we feel so unvalued and unheard that we burst, and need that hug right now or we’ll explode. Perhaps we sit there “i need a hug, i need a hug, i need a hug” in the mind, but are afraid to express it out loud, so instead of asking, then patiently waiting for our hug, we begin bashing and thrashing when someone doesn’t have the hug we need right that second. That’s when we get back in the tub, put on some music, and let our bodies relax.

Finally, consider that there is no such thing as the happy personality vs the codependent personality. Instead, when you are feeling nourished, stable, perhaps you feel happy. When things are scary, when you feel vulnerable, when you are trying to speak the things that come to heart… its more slippery for you, more wild. That’s normal, friend, and settles with time. Its all you, sapna, from grime to sparkle, warmth and coldness, and its all OK, lovable, and there is space in our hearts to embrace you as is. Consider that your codependency patterns don’t make you less lovable to yourself or others, less deserving…. it only makes it feel that way.

So keep walking, smiling and crying. Your emotions are beautiful, don’t be afraid of them! Just tend your needs, ask for help when you need it, be authentic… and with time you’ll figure out balance. I believe in you, Sapna, do you?

With warmth,
Matt