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Recovering from the realization I was not so special to him

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • October 29, 2017 at 8:31 am #175427
    Dolores
    Participant

    Dear All,

    My story, is not as dramatic as may be the stories of others, but it hurts as much. So, I was with someone, long distance who made me feel really special. However, when we finally met he told me for the first time, he has a girlfriend, the mother of his 1 and a half year old baby ( i knew about the child but the way he had talked about the mother, I had understood that they were not together), whom he plans to marry. I told him, I  hadn’t understood he actually had an emotional relationship to the mother and he said, he is not sure he will marry her anyway but that they were together, even though they were not living together. Anyway, he is gone now,back to his country. We have some contact but not emotional the way it was before. I know there is nothing for me there to expect, but how do I stop thinking him. I am not angry with him,  but I regret investing time building on these romantic fantasies.

    Warm wishes to all,

     

     

     

    October 29, 2017 at 8:44 am #175433
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dolores:

    Were you angry at him when he told you that he has had a relationship with the mother of his child throughout your long term relationship, angry at the time when he first tell you about it? And did you ask him why he didn’t tell you before?

    anita

    October 29, 2017 at 9:29 am #175437
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Dolores,

    The trouble with long distance relationships is that they thrive on fantasy. They count on it. But eventually, things have to get “real”. He couldn’t handle his “real”, thus the penchant for long distance relationships.

    So no more long distance relationships. Think local and available!

    Best,

    Inky

    October 29, 2017 at 10:09 am #175441
    Dolores
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I was not angry but disappointed and it surprised me. I told him that he should have told me that earlier, so I also know where I stand. He answered that how could I expect that he wouldn’t have a full life in his country. I just answered that the way he talks about his life and  the way he behaves towards me implied that. This discussion happened in a soft and gentle way. However, as I said, I just feel that I was more special to him that I am and it hurts.

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Dolores.
    October 29, 2017 at 10:12 am #175443
    Dolores
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

     

    Yes you are very correct! Indeed, there is a strong element of fantasy there. Keeping it real is the smart thing to do. However, the pain feels reals, no matter that, I do now have a healthy perspective. I did not lose much in reality but I still cannot stop missing this romance. I wish I had better control of my thoughts.

     

    thank you both girls, Anita and Inky for your replies

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Dolores.
    October 29, 2017 at 10:46 am #175451
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dolores:

    You are welcome. It is a good thing that he told you when you finally met in person, that he is involved with the mother of his child. Better than if he didn’t tell you throughout the visit.

    Of course, better yet would have been if he told you that when you communicated long distance.

    You wrote: “I regret investing time building on these romantic fantasies”. In your recent post you wrote: “Keeping it real is the smart thing to do”- I agree. Less pain that way.

    I hope that soon enough you will be the one and only girlfriend in a loving man’s life.

    anita

    October 29, 2017 at 11:18 am #175459
    Dolores
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I wish that as well. I am not into messing up with people who are so committed and involved with others, even if its only in this long distance way. So, I keep contact rare  now. It helps a lot and soon i will have forgotten the intensity of this story. He also understood that I am not planning to stick around and he is not pursuing much either. This helps also! 😉

     

    warm regards

     

    October 30, 2017 at 4:17 am #175615
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dolores:

    You are welcome. I understand that through your long distance communication with him you felt that you were special to him and that gave you comfort, a sense of well-being, which you lost when you found out he has been having another relationship, in person throughout his communication with you. Replacing that comfort you had is hurt.

    The fact is that you are special. I have no doubt. You were probably special to him as well, just not as the-one-and-only.

    I hope you post again if you need to, anytime.

    anita

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