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Recurring nightmare: my ex is back

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  • October 21, 2013 at 5:51 am #44064
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear all,

    Any advice or reassurance you have on this would be really appreciated.

    When I started university about five years ago I had a very brief, but toxic relationship with a guy on my course. We met as part of a university society we had both joined. As I say, the relationship was (thankfully, in retrospect) very short-lived but damaging. On paper we were perfect for each other and I do believe he is the first person I can honestly say I fell in love with, but long story short, we were both emotionally in very bad places (low self-esteem, lack of confidence etc) and he did not love me. All well and good, and it is just as well that the whole thing ended, but before it did he had cheated on me twice, lied to me and blamed me for what he did. As he put it: “You made me go against my principles”. It ruined the second year of my degree and part of my final year – I sank deep into depression, I lost many of my friends and it ultimately affected my studies. I graduated with a good degree, but I did not do as well as I could have, and I have always regretted that.

    Fast forward to the present. I picked myself up. I met a wonderful, kind and nutty man who loves me, and we have been together over three years now. I earned the money tp return to my university for a Masters degree. Now I am three weeks into a PhD.

    I thought I was very much past all that happened five years ago, over my ex. But a few months ago I realised he had returned to my university town. It now transpires that he too is back here to study.

    I should be cool and collected about this. I was the wronged party, I have come a long way since then and I should be so much stronger. But now I know he’s here, my heart races, my hands shake and I am so afraid. It feels like all the good stuff in my life disappears, it brings back all those horrible memories and I feel like that damaged 20-year-old again.

    If anyone has any advice, or a similar experience they feel they could share, I would really love to hear what you think.

    Many thanks,

    Hannah x

    October 21, 2013 at 11:29 am #44073
    Kate
    Participant

    Hey Hannah,

    I understand very well where you’re coming from. I would advise that you accept whatever feelings come up. Whether you feel fear, excitement, dread, sadness, just observe your feelings. Be the space for those emotions. Try to detach from whatever has transpired in the past, those are only your memories. He can only affect you as much as you allow him to. When you have a negative thought come up, try to say something which brings you joy, happiness, or peace. I simply say the word “peace” in response to negative thoughts. Or I think of the sounds and smell of the ocean. Maybe try to be happy for the situation. Maybe it will give you a chance to find peace with what happened. Your PhD is your chance to make the grades you always thought you should have made in undergrad. You said you carry guilt about not doing as well as you could. Now you have the chance to show your real talents in your program. You only get one chance to make a first impression on your professors! Focus on what you have control over. You can’t control when you may see him or what he may say to you. But you can control your reaction to him. Practice breathing deeply, letting go of the past, keeping calm. You can set your life up for having mental health- exercise, eat well, strengthen existing social relationships and make new ones. Staying away from toxic people as much as possible is very important. But it isn’t only important to physically stay away from them. It’s important that they stay away from your thoughts as well. Focusing on them and what they’ve done and why won’t change them at all. Being happy, busy, engaged socially, healthy, etc, will take your mind completely off of him. So, in sum, accept the situation, accept your feelings about it, take action to make your life better. Namaste!

    October 21, 2013 at 3:28 pm #44096
    Matt
    Participant

    Hannah,

    I’m sorry for the anxiety you’ve been experiencing, and its pretty normal. Not only are you in a PhD program, which can be a load of effort, you have the ex lurking around inside and outside. Consider that you’re no longer the foolish girl you were back then, and won’t make the same mistakes… that’s just fear. Kate gave some great words of wisdom, and if you’ve been practicing metta at all, you could perhaps make him one of the recipients as well.

    Give yourself a little credit… you’ve learned a crap-ton since then (metric), and have grown sooo much. Its OK to trust yourself, you have found your courage and power. The dreams and fears are only leftovers, old memories of powerlessness and icky times. They’re gone, move on. 🙂

    If it really seems sticky, you can say “I forgive you for all of the harmful actions, and wish you love and light. I forgive myself for all of the harmful actions, and wish love and light for myself. Let the past be settled.”

    With warmth,
    Matt

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