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- This topic has 137 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Gagan.
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November 7, 2017 at 9:34 am #176831AnonymousGuest
Dear Gagan:
You are not alone. As of now, you wrote, you are numb, but not entirely numb: when “the world means nothing to (you)” – it means you are quite sad, doesn’t it? Hopeless, helpless, perhaps? A contrast to the peace and zero anxiety of earlier, when with her. Keep in mind both emotional experiences. Soon enough, I hope, you will experience a nice middle ground of those two, some realistic calm.
anita
November 7, 2017 at 10:20 am #176851GaganParticipantDear Anita,
I hope I find the realistic calm soon. Thank you for all the support!
November 7, 2017 at 11:59 am #176891GaganParticipantDear Anita,
What do I do of all these imaginations that come knocking at my mind about a future with her? My mind selectively plays a fully positive movie about her and my future. It is exhausting now. I feel tired of living in my head!
g
November 7, 2017 at 1:20 pm #176907ElianaParticipantHi Gagan,
I think you may have to think about that even though she may be moving, she may still text or call. Have you decided with each other, friendship? No contact? You may have to be prepared for the possibility she may want to contact you..
November 7, 2017 at 3:04 pm #176913GaganParticipantDear Eliana,
To be honest, we have had ‘the talk’ already. We have had that talk multiple times, and we both are aware that we both do not know how our friendship will turn out. But, my dilemma is still the same – Do I let go of such amazing friendship we developed over the years? I honestly do not know the answer. I wish I did. But I am okay not knowing where it goes because I’m done trying to control every aspect of my life. I will let it unfold on its own, and see if we stay in each other’s lives.
That being said, I have a learnt a lesson: be deliberate about who you love and in what way. In this case, the whole “friends with benefits” situation wouldn’t have hurt me if I was deliberate in fully committing to it, but I guess strong feelings towards her as a friend mixed with physical intimacy led to this disastrous combination. From now on, I will only move forward once I fully recognize my feelings. And I will try to do anything in life with full-heart.
I will surely miss her though. She had been my everything. Now, when she leaves, she will take that all away with her, and I will be left exposed to the harsh reality.
I will survive though. Maybe even thrive if and when I let someone else back in my life!
November 7, 2017 at 3:24 pm #176915ElianaParticipantHi Gagan,
Only be friends, if it is not emotionally draining for you. Maybe right now, best to have no contact, so you can try to move on, and like you say, live your life now, not for her, but for you..and to make room for that special someone. You can’t put a new car in the garage, when the old one is still in there. Try to distance yourself the best you can, distract, don’t become your thoughts, and replace your thoughts of your future, instead of her, picture another loving woman and friend. It does get better.
November 8, 2017 at 2:59 am #176975GaganParticipantI can’t breathe. It’s too painful. Everything about my life, this city, the smell, the air, the TV shows, the places, the restaurants, every single thing about my current life reminds me of her. How am I going to survive? I don’t want to live in rbis miserable state. My chest is heavy. So heavy.
November 8, 2017 at 4:04 am #176977ElianaParticipantHi Gagan,
Your body is in “shock mode” it’s like the world stops. Or you (or I did) because the “world went on with their lives, yet I was so immersed in shock and grief over losing him, I wanted everyone, the world to stop..perhaps grieve with me. The anxiety, emotions, rollercoaster ride was debilitating. I thought, “no way, I’m going to make it through this, I’m overwhelmed. An elephant is standing on my chest, I took more anxiety meds than I should have that was prescribed, (but not to where I put my life at risk). I could not function..everything was too overwhelming.
I was in therapy at that time. It took a long time for me to get past that initial panic attack and shock stage..but I also had separation and abandonment issues from early childhood. I kept telling myself, I have lost people before, and made it through, I can again..this will pass one day, it always does, “observe my thoughts, they are not good or bad” “don’t become them” let the grief flow through you.
I came across something my therapist have me after my loss when I felt I was too overwhelmed, or having panic attacks. The trick is to only take one day at a time. Don’t further overwhelm your system by thinking of past or future. Here is what she gave me, I practiced this, looks weird at first, takes practice but it works. Keep posting as well..
The three-part breath is a specific breathing technique used in many yoga practices and can be very useful in times of stress or whenever you need to relax. This type of breathing triggers your parasympathetic nervous system or the “relaxation response” (the opposite of the fight/flight stress response) and allows your body and mind to more easily release stress and tension. It is physiologically impossible for your body to be in a stress mode when you practice the deep three-part breath.
Obviously, you can’t breathe this way all the time, but when you do, it can help you think more clearly and decide on another coping skill or something else you can do to move away from the anxiety you may currently be feeling. Or you may decide to use the breath to sit with the pain of grief. This is okay too. Calmness in the midst of pain can help us know that we can survive the next moment, and then the next.
Again, find your comfortable sitting position, allowing your hands to be relaxed. The three-part breath may also be done lying down. Practicing this breath while lying in bed before sleep is a good choice if you have difficulty clearing your mind and falling to sleep.
To begin, inhale normally. Then, with your mouth closed, exhale slowly through your nose as you did with the simple deep breathing exercises, using your abdominal muscles to pull your diaphragm inward. Squeeze all the stale, excess air completely out of your lungs.
As you prepare for your next inhalation, imagine your upper body as a large pitcher. As you inhale, you are filling the pitcher from bottom to top.
First, fill the diaphragm and lower belly, allowing them to expand and completely fill with air. You can use the “smelling something delicious” tip here as you begin to fill your lower lungs with air, allowing your belly to expand.
Next, continue to allow your “pitcher” to fill as you notice the lower, and then the upper, parts of the ribcage expanding outward and up.
Next, fill the upper lungs, noticing the chest expanding, the collar bones and shoulders rising, as your pitcher is filled completely to the top.
Pause for 2 beats.
Exhale the opposite way, allowing the “pitcher” to empty from top to bottom.
Slowly exhale, allowing the shoulders and collar bones to slowly drop, the chest to deflate, the ribs to move inward. Again, pull your diaphragm in, using it to completely empty the air from the bottom of the lungs.
Repeat the process, refilling the pitcher slowly from bottom to top. Continue with the complete and full exhalations and inhalations, emptying and filling your pitcher.
The three parts are bottom, middle, top—expanding and contracting as you slowly and completely fill your body with fresh, cell-nourishing, life-giving oxygen and then slowly and completely empty it of carbon dioxide, toxins, and tension held in the body and mind.
As you increase your practice and the muscle movements become familiar, you may wish to add the counting of your breaths or your color visualizations. Ideally, the exhalations should be about twice as long as the inhalations. Initially, if you count to five as you inhale and exhale, gradually try to make your exhalations to the count of six, then seven, then eight, and so on until you feel more comfortable lengthening your exhalations.
If you feel dizzy or lightheaded while practicing the three-part breath, or any other breathing exercise, stop the practice immediately and allow your breathing to go back to normal. Sometimes if we are not used to a great deal of oxygen, the change can cause lightheadedness or dizziness. Know your own body and be mindful of the changes you notice.I hope that these breathing lessons may help you through your grief journey and beyond. Just breathe.
November 8, 2017 at 4:58 am #176989AnonymousGuestDear Gagan:
Here is calm, sensible, realistic, wise Gagan from yesterday: “I have a learnt a lesson: be deliberate about who you love and in what way…From now on, I will only move forward once I fully recognize my feelings. And I will try to do anything in life with full-heart”. ( #1)
Here is anxious, distressed, panicking Gagan from yesterday: “I can’t breathe. It’s too painful…. every single thing about my current life reminds me of her. How am I going to survive? I don’t want to live in this miserable state. My chest is heavy. So heavy” (#2)
When you experience #2, it doesn’t mean that #1 has disappeared, it is still there, only not activated. Calm down and go there, go to that state, #1 and from there observe #2.
anita
November 8, 2017 at 7:11 am #177007GaganParticipantThank you Eliana and Anita,
It is not just the pain of loss of love, but also of a best friend. It is easy to find a romance partner, but best friends are hard to come by. I lost two people at once. It is difficult to say the least!
November 8, 2017 at 8:00 am #177011AnonymousGuestDear Gagan:
On Oct 30 you wrote:
“In the past, during conflicts, I remember apologizing most of the time for an argument or something.
In fact, I do not recall any time when she admitted that she might be wrong.
Made me think that she was always right.
She still says that she is always right.
Whenever we had arguments, I would be the one reaching out and hugging her and apologizing.
She probably hung up on me several times when I refused to spend more time with her if I was with a friend or family.”
anita
November 8, 2017 at 9:22 am #177017GaganParticipantDear Anita,
I did write all those things, and they’re probably true to some degree. Yes she hung up a few times, but she would call right back. Yes, she did not admit fault in small trivial things, but she did when things really mattered. I wrote all that crap to dump my bad decision onto her. I’m about to reveal something that I did not do before. I’m ashamed of admitting it after so many posts, but the real reasons I pushed her away were –
1. I have been going through a traumatic transition in my life since over a year, and it is still not resolved. So, I spent all last year trying to figure out how to get out of it, and barely gave any thought to our relationship.
2. I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet. But as soon as she moved on, I realized what an incredibly bad decision on my part.
3. I wanted to be self made man before I brought on someone else in my life. I figured once I have everything else, I can bring on a person and be happy about it. But, all along these years, I failed to see that I had one amazing constant (her) in my life that stood beside me even during the difficult time in this past year. She held my hand through all this and wanted to be with me despite the fact that I was pretty much jobless and depressed for a year.
I’m sorry to bring these up now, but I couldn’t hold it in. She was in fact a great woman who could have been mine. The feeling that I’m getting right now is precisely this: “I gift-wrapped my soulmate and gave it to a stranger.” I feel like I committed the worst sin, I’m evil, loser, dumb and worthless person. I feel like a failure.
November 8, 2017 at 9:23 am #177019GaganParticipantDear Anita,
I did write all those things, and they’re probably true to some degree. Yes she hung up a few times, but she would call right back. Yes, she did not admit fault in small trivial things, but she did when things really mattered. I wrote all that crap to dump my bad decision onto her. I’m about to reveal something that I did not do before. I’m ashamed of admitting it after so many posts, but the real reasons I pushed her away were –
1. I have been going through a traumatic transition in my life since over a year, and it is still not resolved. So, I spent all last year trying to figure out how to get out of it, and barely gave any thought to our relationship.
2. I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet. But as soon as she moved on, I realized what an incredibly bad decision on my part.
3. I wanted to be self made man before I brought on someone else in my life. I figured once I have everything else, I can bring on a person and be happy about it. But, all along these years, I failed to see that I had one amazing constant (her) in my life that stood beside me even during the difficult time in this past year. She held my hand through all this and wanted to be with me despite the fact that I was pretty much jobless and depressed for a year.
I’m sorry to bring these up now, but I couldn’t hold it in. She was in fact a great woman who could have been mine. The feeling that I’m getting right now is precisely this: “I gift-wrapped my soulmate and gave it to a stranger.” I feel like I committed the worst sin, I’m evil, loser, dumb and worthless person. I feel like a failure.
November 8, 2017 at 9:39 am #177021AnonymousGuestDear Gagan:
I believe you already shared number 1, 2 and 3 earlier, so none of these are new to me. I am surprised that you prefaced sharing these again with “I’m about to reveal something that I did not do before. I’m ashamed of admitting it after so many posts”- you already shared these.
What you didn’t share before is the following: “Yes she hung up a few times, but she would call right back. Yes, she did not admit fault in small trivial things, but she did when things really mattered.”
Looking at the latter: “she did (admit fault) when things really mattered”. This is very different from what you shared earlier, and that is: “In fact, I do not recall any time when she admitted that she might be wrong…She still says that she is always right.”
The gap between the two shares is huge: from not recalling a single time when she admitted she might be wrong, saying she is always right, to admitting she was wrong when things mattered.
And now, Gagan, I don’t trust your honesty. I don’t do well with dishonesty, not my cup of tea.
anita
November 8, 2017 at 9:47 am #177025GaganParticipantDear Anita,
I’m sorry that this happened, but I was angry at her for not coming back to me. I said some things that were exaggerated like “never admit fault”. The title ‘Regret’ is what the reality is. I hope you don’t abandon me now!
g
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