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  • November 8, 2017 at 10:04 am #177027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gagan:

    Nov 7 you wrote: “Despite her shortcomings, she is the only one I need right now. We all have flaws, and she has hers”- what are her shortcomings, her flaws?

    anita

    November 8, 2017 at 10:40 am #177031
    Gagan
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for still being here with me.

    I’m trying to dig really deep through the fog of emotions and be realistic and true. The shortcomings and flaws that I refer to are just minor then – getting mad occasionally at a conflict, not admitting or apologizing easily, hung up sometimes only to call back later. In my mind, I was exaggerating all these tiny flaws into a behemoth probably to dump my mistake onto her. Everyone is a bit off. I’m sure that that wasn’t the reason for a fallout. But all this pales in comparison to the love and care that she showered over me. Here is an additional piece – it is not just that she was great, but here are some other amazing things about the relationship that I will probably not end up finding anywhere else – she is smart, and intelligent, adventurous, outgoing as well as family-oriented, her family is very loving and her mom cared for me so much. It is a combination of such amazing things that I find it impossible to ever find someone like her. And as I’m aging, I’m afraid no one else is gonna find me attractive enough to come close to me. So, here I’m sharing my fear too. I’m afraid of being alone now, I’m afraid I will have to settle for less after she is gone. I’m afraid of not living a satisfied life. I’m afraid of not loving again. I’m afraid of not getting love again. I’m afraid to live. I am afraid. I’m not trying to host a pity party for myself, but the situation feels hopeless to me. I feel like I could have lived an amazing life with her. We had so many thing sin common. We both loved to take long roadtrips, watch the same kinds of TV shows, shared the same sense of humor, shared the love for our families. She was with me as my friend when I went through previous breakup and I was there when she went through hers. We stuck around each other for everything. We even lived in different cities for 6 months, and then ended up back together again. Some of our friends thought we looked great together and that we should get hitched. There were so many signs from the universe to be together, and I chose to ignore it all in pursuit of the unknown.

    Sorry that is a lot of information. But I feel overwhelmed with emotions. My head hurts now!

    November 8, 2017 at 11:01 am #177033
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gagan:

    Taking in the information that she did not always place blame with you, that she did take responsibility for her actions when things mattered; taking in the information that she was very loving of you, not abusive in any way, and consistently so for years, then I would say-

    Time for you to attend quality psychotherapy to look into your fears, your anxiety which caused you to ignore that love, for years, and send her away to the other guy. It must be significant anxiety on your part to have been responsible for you ignoring a truly loving woman and a true love relationship for years.

    anita

    November 8, 2017 at 11:07 am #177035
    Gagan
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was going to do so. Any remedy for lessening the regret in the meantime so I can sleep a little better, eat a little better?

    g

    November 8, 2017 at 11:27 am #177039
    Gagan
    Participant

    Actually never mind, like a mad man, I am asking the same questions again and again. I apologize!

    November 8, 2017 at 11:40 am #177045
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gagan:

    Regret as in guilt is useful only when we learn from our experience. The quality psychotherapy I suggested is about such learning. One thing you can learn at this point, without therapy, may be to endure the pain that you feel, to relax into it best you can. You can try to accept reality, not fight it.

    If it is love that you value, now that you regret not loving her before, you can love her now. You can love her now in this way: because she has already decided to get married to another man and even shared with you that she likes him-

    do not participate any longer in her acts of betrayal of that man. Do not spend time with her alone, anymore. Give her the chance to develop a loving relationship with him by withdrawing.

    Can you do that?

    anita

    November 8, 2017 at 12:49 pm #177077
    Gagan
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for standing by my side. I am forever grateful to you.

    I wrote a full paragraph answering your question “Can you do that?” and then I deleted it all, because I felt sorry for myself. I felt like a failure. So I will answer your question with brevity – Yes, i can and I will. It will hurt beyond belief but I have no choice but to accept.

    Thank you again for still being here. I’m typing this as tears flow down my cheeks while my colleagues at work walk past me.

    g

    November 8, 2017 at 5:23 pm #177123
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Gagan,

    Your post about all her qualities puts her on such a high pedestal, that you will constantly find yourself in turmoil. I understand you were best friends, romantic and intimate. However, with over 7 billion people on this planet, you will find another woman. Yes, they won’t be “exactly” like her, but you may, I if you let go of comparisons and high expectations of your “ex” as all perfect, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised if you open your heart and allow different qualities, values. This new person too, might have all the wonderful traits, but you must stop comparing and saying “I will never” or “I “I’m too old” “no one will ever be like her”. If you keep this mindset, then you will be alone always comparing. Let comparisons go, take her off the pedestal. Never say never. You are still very young.

    My father got re-married at the age of 74. He met his previous girlfriend at age 55. No such thing as too old. Love never expires, our hearts never expire. Start to change your mindset and think positive things. You *will* meet someone amazing, and special. When you do, don’t compare. Let yourself grieve, go through the emotions. In time, the emotions and thoughts will lessen and not be all consuming. Replace any negative thought of “never” with “I will”. You will then be on your way to a bright future.

    November 9, 2017 at 3:33 am #177131
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gagan:

    You are welcome.

    In your pain, hold on to what you value most. Be loyal to what you value. If you do value love and you regret not loving before, not this woman and not, as you shared before, previous women in your life, you can love now. Loving this woman now means withdrawing from her life, not spending any time alone with her.

    Instead of reacting any which way to your feelings, doing just anything when hurting, wait for a moment and think, make thoughtful choices. Replace automatic behavior with thoughtful choices and let your values guide these choices.

    I hope you post again anytime.

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 3:11 pm #177351
    Gagan
    Participant

    Thank you Dear Anita, and thank you Dear Eliana,

    I’m trying deliberately to be positive and keep the negative emotions at bay. But all it is doing is making me think more of this “imaginative future”. Suddenly she seems more attractive and more amazing than when we were together.

    e.g. I used to not like her showcasing her life on instagram and snapchat and now suddenly I have grown fond of that. Do you know why my attitude towards these little things changed so suddenly?

    Another question – should I cut off all ties with her including social media?

    g

    November 9, 2017 at 4:35 pm #177355
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Gagan,

    Yes, most definitely. You will only make yourself miserable. It’s best to remove yourself from her as much as possible, so you can move on easier. This includes social media. I had to do the same thing. After breaking up with him, I kept going to his profile, seeing him “happy” with his new girlfriend, romantic quotes, etc. It wasn’t enough to just block him, I actually had to delete my profile on Facebook. He is also on Instagram, Tinder, Twitter, etc..and I am glad I never learned to use these. I would have driven myself crazy.

    He looked better after our break-up as well. I imagined the future I thought we had. This is normal. Be patient with the processs, feelings and emotions. When I started thinking this way, I thought of the reasons we broke up in the first place and suddenly he didn’t look so great. Best not to follow her on Social media. Especially around a vulnerable time like the Holidays.

    November 10, 2017 at 12:24 am #177421
    Gagan
    Participant

    The pain is unbearable!

    November 10, 2017 at 12:42 am #177427
    Gagan
    Participant

    I can’t sleep.

    November 10, 2017 at 6:28 am #177479
    Gagan
    Participant

    and now I’m feeling better. Am I bipolar? or just strong-willed?

    I just made myself feel better by realizing that I need to be the person I am looking for. In other words, the reason my previous relationships didn’t work was that I was never happy with my own life. I can’t expect someone to make my life better if I am not first satisfied with mine. So, the very thought of making myself a priority and doing the things to attain my goals made me smile after months.

    This is what I need to work on –

    1. career growth

    2. work on the side business that I started months ago that got side-tracked because of job and other stuff

    3. travel more and be adventurous – like I always wanted to but never got around to do

    4. Eat healthy

    5. workout

    6. overall, be a best that I can be

     

    This recent “mistake” made me realize that I would have never realized any of this if things get so ugly. I would have never realized what I wanted. I would have never accepted her in my life because I wasn’t open to it. No matter how hard she tried, I would have not let her in my life because I didn’t think about it that way. The reason being I never was fully satisfied with other aspects of my life – like career, business, self-worth etc. There was no way for me to realize what I want unless this whole mess happened. So, in a way, I do feel more alive. I feel more powerful at this moment. I feel like I need to focus on my life, my body and my mind first before I let anyone else walk through these tall walls I built around me. I need to redesign my life slowly first. I need to clear the clutter in my home and my mind and my body. I need to streamline my life first. I need to be happy with myself and my accomplishments first. I need to be satisfied first before I can truly accept the love from outside.

    I have been very lucky in that I never had any shortage of love. I hope the next time it knocks, I hug it and never let it go…

    November 10, 2017 at 6:39 am #177481
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Gagan,

    That’s very positive thinking. Remember that time heals, and you will go through a wide away of emotions for quite some time. One day, I would be very depressed, analyzing, overthing, the “if only’s” the next day “I am better off without him!”. This is normal. There were nights I could not sleep, days I could not function at work, going to the bathroom, crying, etc. I was put on a low dose sleep med for short term and anti-anxiety med. I am glad you have goals in place, and things to look forward to. Things you realized about yourself and what not to do in your next relationship. Stay strong and keep posting.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
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