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Regret over Cheating and can't let go

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  • January 5, 2014 at 5:50 am #48407
    Nathan
    Participant

    Hi guys, I would like to know your opinion on a situation I’m going through. I am 27 and am father of 1. Last year, my fiancée (and my sons mother)and I broke up. We were together for 4 years. Within a month, I bumped into her former coworker at a car dealership. We started talking and hit it off. We got into a relationship within a month and she moved in to the house that my ex fiancée and I shared (The ex moved out). This was the happiest I had been in years and so was she. We discussed taking things to the next level. I later started taking her for granted for who she was because I started having dreams of the perfect woman and ended up waking up disappointed with reality. I also started to lust for someone different before I took the next step.
    I ended up hooking up with my ex fiancée again and never told her who I was in a relationship with until she got a hold of Facebook and found out everything. She sent my girlfriend a message telling her that I’ve been hooking up with her and my gf was extremely hurt to the point where she no longer talks to me, blocked me on Facebook and her phone. I was ok for a few weeks and it just hit me last week that she really was the one for me and I can’t stop breaking down over my cheating and how I wish I just did the right thing so she could be here with me. I had no control over myself contacting her over email and telling her she’s the love of my life and I can’t live without her. I apologized profusely but she told me to live with the consequences and grow up even if this was unusual to see me a wreck. She told me she wanted me to be her husband but she doesn’t trust me & just pictures me cheating on her. She said she’d been profusely crying and in a daze the first few weeks. The breakup happened almost a month ago. And I stopped contacting her 2 days ago when she told me if I wanted her to be happy, I would leave her alone.
    I am devastated now and can’t stop thinking about the memories we shared and wish I did right. I don’t get much sleep and I can’t help breaking down during the day. I heard she went on a few dates which makes me panic that I lost the one permanently. What can I do? Should I write her a letter a month from now to tell he how I feel in a month or so? Should I try to get her back or move on. I feel like I can’t function without her due to the hurt. Thanks for your input.

    January 5, 2014 at 10:10 am #48414
    Mark
    Participant

    Nathan, It does hurt when you dwell on regrets. I can understand the current pain of missing what you don’t have. To be blunt Nathan, you are living the consequences of your unmindful actions. You have broken trust. Trust is a fragile thing and it takes a lot to regain.

    What can you do? I will not give a “how to win back” advice but instead I will recommend sitting with yourself. Get to know yourself, your desires, your wants and needs better. Understand why you acted the way you did and not understand on a superficial level but deeply into your true Self. How can anyone trust you until you really know yourself and not repeat those same actions the next time? Your four year engagement without marrying your son’s mother tells me how you don’t really know who you are or what you want or value.

    I use to hate when I read in self help or relationship or spiritual books that meditation is one of the key activities in living a fulfilled and self aware life. Now I find that it is true. Have a meditation practice and sit with yourself.

    You can address your hurt by breathing into the emotion, the pain, the feeling. Our breath is fundamental to life. Use it to help care for yourself.

    Metta,
    Mark

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Mark.
    January 5, 2014 at 11:31 am #48419
    Renée
    Participant

    Nathan,

    While I can sympathize with your confusion, frustration and suffering, I also believe Mark has given you some good advice.

    Sitting down and breathing and bringing yourself to the present will help tremendously to calm your being. The only person you can truly help in this situation is yourself. You are the only person you can change. The past has happened and no amount of focusing on what has happened is going to change that. To also sit and dwell on a future that you envision will happen is only a fantasy. You have no guarantee that what you believe to be perfect in the future will be especially when you are projecting others into this vision of the future.

    Also, as you sit and breathe, notice what thoughts come to mind. If it is not positive then try to let it go. Reliving what you believe someone did to you? Accept the apology you never received. Insulting your self for actions of the past? They can not be changed. Be aware and resolve to not repeat. Also think of these negative voices/ideas as something separate from yourself. Would you continue to listen and hang out with someone who talked to you this way all the time? If your answer is no, then replace those negative voices and ideas with something positive.

    I find the most basic way to develop a positive attitude is to have gratitude for my breath. When a I breathe, I know I am alive at that moment. I was never guaranteed this moment and yet it is a gift life gives me. I am grateful for my breath. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for living. Try replacing some of your negatives with this gratitude. Be grateful for mobility and intelligence. They are tremendous gifts.

    I hope this is helpful and you find your peace,
    Renéw

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