Hi K,

I am intimately familiar with your situation. I understand your suffering completely. As a person who has had my own past issues with a sister whom I love and wish for nothing but her happiness but have no contact with by her choice, I hope you find some of what I counsel helpful.

As difficult as it may seem, maybe try to take the labels away from this relationship and view each other as just human beings. Part of the issue here is that she is your religious and conservative sister. While labels may be intrinsically true they are obstacles that can stop one from objectively seeing another being. You both are beings on this earth, you both are suffering, and you both desire happiness. While these are three truths, how you approach suffering and happiness is an individual experience and we are only capable of choosing for ourselves how we do this. Her beliefs and boundaries are her own and although we may not agree or like them it is not up to us discount them.

In my sister’s and my case I don’t agree with her choice but I respect that it is her choice. Years ago I let this decision invade my life on a regular basis. I let it tell me I must have done something to deserve this and then swing to anger for her “ridiculous” beliefs and then be sad because I felt like I lost my sister and then be resentful for her trying to nasty to me when I was being kind in return. I gave the whole situation too much power and let it fester. I know now that I let it control my feelings about myself and others in an unhealthy and negative way much more than I would have believed.

When the hurt is recent it can be difficult to let it go, however it is already in your past. The past will not change no matter how much we dwell on it and more often the dwelling has negative effects on your present state. When you find yourself dwelling on a negative situation try stopping for just a moment and breathe. Inhale and exhale for a few repetitions. From here there are any number of ways of handling the negativity. First you can internalize gratitude. Be grateful for the breath and the moment you are in. You were never guaranteed this moment and yet you have it. Gratitudes are a tremendous way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It helps to bring peace and calm to you. Secondly, try to be compassionate to yourself. Recognize that you are suffering and truly want to alleviate it.

Let go of what you believe others think about you and believe that you are worthy of loving and belonging. Keep your thoughts and words kind first to yourself and then to others. Know that there is nothing you need to change to make your self acceptable to others. Learn what you desire within you and not what anyone else wants you of you. Make your choices with compassion, tolerance, and in peace and you will nothing but true to yourself.

A final thought; Although it is difficult to just let things be that is probably the best thing to do. That is my suggestion but of course you will ultimately have to make that decision.

I hope you can find peace,
Renée

Nathan,

While I can sympathize with your confusion, frustration and suffering, I also believe Mark has given you some good advice.

Sitting down and breathing and bringing yourself to the present will help tremendously to calm your being. The only person you can truly help in this situation is yourself. You are the only person you can change. The past has happened and no amount of focusing on what has happened is going to change that. To also sit and dwell on a future that you envision will happen is only a fantasy. You have no guarantee that what you believe to be perfect in the future will be especially when you are projecting others into this vision of the future.

Also, as you sit and breathe, notice what thoughts come to mind. If it is not positive then try to let it go. Reliving what you believe someone did to you? Accept the apology you never received. Insulting your self for actions of the past? They can not be changed. Be aware and resolve to not repeat. Also think of these negative voices/ideas as something separate from yourself. Would you continue to listen and hang out with someone who talked to you this way all the time? If your answer is no, then replace those negative voices and ideas with something positive.

I find the most basic way to develop a positive attitude is to have gratitude for my breath. When a I breathe, I know I am alive at that moment. I was never guaranteed this moment and yet it is a gift life gives me. I am grateful for my breath. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for living. Try replacing some of your negatives with this gratitude. Be grateful for mobility and intelligence. They are tremendous gifts.

I hope this is helpful and you find your peace,
Renéw

Hi Daniella,

I regret to read that you are having such a difficult time. I have also spent many years with anxiety, depression, and attending counseling. I was also on anti depressants for about four years along with my counseling, and while I may not have been bed-ridden or institutionalized, I was not happy. I am not saying that you should not take anti depressants or not seek counseling; Only that I could not rely on them to “cure” my depression or more accurately, bring me happiness.

When I read your post two things spoke to me. First I read and see primarily mention of the past and future; Secondly, there seems to be negative voices/thoughts invading your mind. What I hope is that the following will help both.

Take some time in your day to sit down, slow down and or meditate. While you are sitting focus on a natural and peaceful breath. As you are comfortable and breathing naturally think about that exact moment when you inhale and exhale. That moment was not guaranteed to happen and it did. Try to think about that and to be grateful it happened. Then when that is through, try this again with the next breath you take. Doing this may help to bring your attention to the present. It may take some practice but will become easier each time you try. This is also taking the time to fill your mind with a positive voice/thought. By replacing the negative with something positive it allows peace and happiness to come to the surface.

I believe we all have peace and happiness inside of us that lives in the present moment. We all must find the way to that spot as it works for each of us. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing and once you see this many others will also.

Renée

Wow! Is right. Beautifully written and poignant.