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Sister who judges (and admits it)

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  • January 6, 2014 at 4:08 pm #48539
    K
    Participant

    My sister is very religious and conservative. I asked why our relationship was strained and she admitted that she judges me. My decisions and consequences from them are not acceptable to her. I had a child without being married (or even in a relationship due to what I thought was best). I later married, and was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a compulsive cheater. I left that marriage and severed all ties to my ex-husband. I can acknowledge that some of my decisions have been different. But I always try to do what I feel is best on multiple levels. I’ve struggled with relationships and depression. I am the first person to admit that I’m nowhere near perfect. But I have a good heart. I would never hurt anyone, and always try to help others. My sister and I used to be very close; we have drifted apart over the years. After her denying anything changed about our relationship, she finally admitted
    to me today that she is just too pained by my decisions, and that yes…she judges me. I can handle hearing everything, but then she told me I was not allowed to be around her kids and that I should stop inviting them out for time with my daughter and that she is not cutting me off, but she will only see me in a group environment.

    Her response is as if I’ve done something to her, when all I’ve done is have a tough run on my end. Obviously I am very hurt by all of this. She doesn’t trust my judgment because I allowed an abusive relationship to exist in my life and the life of my daughter. She also is judging my decisions about my daughter’s involvement in her Father’s life (he has also made some bad decisions, but has turned his life around – he is not my ex-husband). Again, none of this actually affects her directly. I can see she hurts when I hurt…I feel that for others too. But this is just so extreme.

    My initial reaction is to tell her I don’t know when I will be able to bring myself to be around her in person again. She says she is setting boundaries. But I feel these boundaries and extreme, harsh, and unwarranted. I am ready to sever my relationship with her. I was willing to hear everything she had to say, but feel her decisions are just too hurtful for me to be around. I’m caught between teaching my daughter you don’t have to tolerate this type of behavior in others, or being the one to forgive and move on a new and uncomfortable path. I just feel like I’ve done the majority of the “bending” in the relationship, and I will not do it anymore. I do not feel that I have it in me to be the bigger person anymore. Especially since I’ve made nothing but positive changes in my life, I climbed out of the hole I was in and improved mine and my daughter’s life.

    I don’t understand her nor do I want to. Leaving the relationship just seems so harsh. But I’m so, so hurt.
    Thanks for taking the time to read (and reply if you do so). 🙂

    January 6, 2014 at 6:49 pm #48549
    Renée
    Participant

    Hi K,

    I am intimately familiar with your situation. I understand your suffering completely. As a person who has had my own past issues with a sister whom I love and wish for nothing but her happiness but have no contact with by her choice, I hope you find some of what I counsel helpful.

    As difficult as it may seem, maybe try to take the labels away from this relationship and view each other as just human beings. Part of the issue here is that she is your religious and conservative sister. While labels may be intrinsically true they are obstacles that can stop one from objectively seeing another being. You both are beings on this earth, you both are suffering, and you both desire happiness. While these are three truths, how you approach suffering and happiness is an individual experience and we are only capable of choosing for ourselves how we do this. Her beliefs and boundaries are her own and although we may not agree or like them it is not up to us discount them.

    In my sister’s and my case I don’t agree with her choice but I respect that it is her choice. Years ago I let this decision invade my life on a regular basis. I let it tell me I must have done something to deserve this and then swing to anger for her “ridiculous” beliefs and then be sad because I felt like I lost my sister and then be resentful for her trying to nasty to me when I was being kind in return. I gave the whole situation too much power and let it fester. I know now that I let it control my feelings about myself and others in an unhealthy and negative way much more than I would have believed.

    When the hurt is recent it can be difficult to let it go, however it is already in your past. The past will not change no matter how much we dwell on it and more often the dwelling has negative effects on your present state. When you find yourself dwelling on a negative situation try stopping for just a moment and breathe. Inhale and exhale for a few repetitions. From here there are any number of ways of handling the negativity. First you can internalize gratitude. Be grateful for the breath and the moment you are in. You were never guaranteed this moment and yet you have it. Gratitudes are a tremendous way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It helps to bring peace and calm to you. Secondly, try to be compassionate to yourself. Recognize that you are suffering and truly want to alleviate it.

    Let go of what you believe others think about you and believe that you are worthy of loving and belonging. Keep your thoughts and words kind first to yourself and then to others. Know that there is nothing you need to change to make your self acceptable to others. Learn what you desire within you and not what anyone else wants you of you. Make your choices with compassion, tolerance, and in peace and you will nothing but true to yourself.

    A final thought; Although it is difficult to just let things be that is probably the best thing to do. That is my suggestion but of course you will ultimately have to make that decision.

    I hope you can find peace,
    Renée

    January 6, 2014 at 7:39 pm #48557
    Kline
    Participant

    Hi K,
    I don’t have experience with anything as extreme as this with my sisters but I can relate to what you are saying. My first reaction is that – yes – you can always be the better person. If you are, eventually, no matter how long from now, she will realize that her religion is no religion at all if she can not open her heart for developing relationships. So forgive her over and over, be generous with her, love her as she is.
    One thing I remember from a book called Staying with Conflict is that with relationships that matter, as this one does – some communication is better than no communication. In other words, make a plan, in small enough doses that you can handle, that you will reach out to her in some way – say perhaps a phone call a month for 12 months. Let go from the beginning of any need for a response. Just decide you will reach out in some small regularly. People go through so many stages and ups and downs throughout their lives. Maybe she will never change. But maybe she will, and you will have been there for her, ready. That is being the better person. But yes, it is also true, try to not let it bother you in the meantime.
    Maybe at some point ask what her specific fears are. If your daughter’s father has ever been abusive emotionally or physically (even if he has changed) I think it makes sense for your sister to not want to risk him showing up unexpectedly while her children are there. She does not know him personally, and only can make a judgement on the facts that she knows. If you know what she wants – safety for her kids, perhaps you can work on how to create that safe space with some boundaries. If one of your main needs is to be close to your nieces, perhaps you can get to know them at your sister’s house. Good luck. I know it is horrible feeling to be at odds with a person, especially a sibling. May you be at peace.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Kline.
    January 7, 2014 at 7:12 am #48591
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I truly do not understand why people continue with hurtful relationships. Own emotional wellbeing is something to care for and treasure no matter what, it’s quality of life that matters. One simply cannot be happy and cannot contribute to happiness of others without emotional balance. One is unable to build positive relations with new people going continually through emotional turmoil in hurtful and destructive relationships. Some families are simply dysfunctional. It happens. There’s no reason to contribute to something dysfunctional for the sake of family ties at the expense of own emotional wellbeing.

    January 7, 2014 at 9:49 am #48593
    K
    Participant

    I can see some replies via e-mail but they don’t show up here. User error? 🙂 I want you all to know I have read everyword and I really appreciate the time you have taken to answer. It warms my hurting heart. Thank you – thank you!

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