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  • #366750
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi all,

    So the story is all about this boy who i was acquintances with till last year and then we start going out more and we would talk everyday. We became very close and I honestly put him in the friendzone at that time because I couldn’t think for a second that he can have a crush on me. Apparently, I was wrong. In the meantime when he was falling for me I talked with him about another guy and kept telling that I’m not interested in a relationship, I am focusing on myself etc. Then he bought me flowers for Women’s day.. He tried somehow to point to me that he likes me but he is very shy so I didn’t catch these signs..

    Then, all of nowhere he started getting cold with me, no texts, no more going out .. I asked if we could talk about this he told me that he doesn’t see the point in talking with me anymore, that he thinks it’s better for him to leave it this way and to respect his decision .. I tried to talk to him after one month at a party, when I told him I miss him and that I am sorry that somehow I hurt him without realizing it. He before had a bestfriend for which he was in love for a long time, and she rejected him because she couldn’t look at him romantically.

    Then after a week, at night he drived me to a place where we could see the stars on the sky more clearly. Then we had a long talk about the fact that I wasn’t aware of his feelings for me, that I expected him to tell me..  (he didn’t a girlfriend before, he is very heavy-looking and due to that he said he was very shy)..He clearly said that what happened to his old best friend hurt  him.. I was all in in that moment and I told him he can told me everything cause i will be there for him anyway. Then we got close we had our very first kiss, everything was milk and honey for a few days .. he was all into me and very sweet. Not pretending at all.

    Then we were on vacation  where we only sleep togheter, no sex, but .. the thing is he couldn’t relax with me so IT wasn’t working for him ….. like sexually his things would not function. And never talked to me about that . We acted like nothing happened.

    then we got back in the city and he broke up with me saying that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore….That he only tried to see what happens.

    It’s been almost 2 months and since then he completely ignores me.. It’s like I did something bad to him .He doesn’t responds to my messages..

    What to do in this case ? How can I handle this?

    #366779
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Marlene:

    You shared that you spent some time with a guy, that the two of you became very close, that he bought you flowers for Women’s Day (March 8); all along you thought of him as a friend, and felt nothing romantic for him. At one point, he stopped texting you, didn’t want to get together with you. You suggested to talk about what happened, and he told you that he doesn’t see the point in talking to you.

    Some time later, before or at the party you mentioned, and definitely during the two of you got together to look at the stars, he told you that he fell for you earlier, but you weren’t interested in him romantically. He told you that it happened to him before, that he fell for his best friend, but “she rejected him because she couldn’t look at him romantically”, and that hurt his feelings. He also told you that he is very shy because he is “heavy-looking”.

    You told him that you were not aware of his feelings for you because he didn’t tell you, that you didn’t know he was hurt. You apologized for having hurt him unknowingly, and you told him that he can tell you  everything because you will be there for him. That night, looking for the stars, the two of you had your first kiss, and “everything was milk and honey for a few days”, he was all into you, you wrote, and very sweet.

    Next, the two of you were on vacation and spent the night together, but “he couldn’t relax.. IT wasn’t working for him… like sexually his things would not function”. For the rest of the vacation, that night was not discussed, and the two of you “acted like nothing happened”. Back in the city, he broke up with you, “saying that he doesn’t have feelings” for you anymore, that “he only tried to see what happens”.

    He’s been ignoring you completely since the return to the city, not answering your messages. “It’s like I did something bad to him”, you wrote.

    My input:

    1. You were not romantically interested in him, but after he rejected you as a friend, it seems to me that you tried to appease him by becoming romantically involved with him (that first kiss, a few days later, and sending the night with him during the vacation). I am concerned that you may have felt that you had to be romantically/ sexually involved with him just because that’s what he wanted, or because he was hurt and rejected you ???

    – if so, you didn’t have to, not at all. You don’t owe a man to be romantically/ sexually involved with him just because that’s what he wants, or because his feelings are hurt. Get involved with a man in these ways only if you want to, because you like him a lot, and you are attracted to him.

    2. Regarding his erectile dysfunction (ED), reads like that night with you was not the first time that he experienced this problem, and that’s why he “couldn’t relax”, being worried that it (ED) was going to happen again. His ED can be part of his shyness. The cause of it could be anxiety. You mentioned that he is “heavy-looking”, if by that you mean that he is obese, then according to obesity action. org, obesity is a contributing factor to erectile dysfunction.

    3. I think that the reason he acted as if nothing happened, following that night, and the reason he broke up with you when returning to the city, is because he was very embarrassed about his ER condition, a condition that was news to you, but not to him, if I understand correctly. He knew about it, but you didn’t. When you found out that night, he didn’t want to spend any more time with you, knowing that .. you know.

    4. You asked: “What to do in this case? How can I handle this?”- depends on what you want from him: are you in love with him, attracted to him???

    anita

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