Dear Substantial:

I see a lot of similarities between your relationship with your mother and my own experiences with mine. As I reread your posts this morning, one particular pattern stood out to me: the guilt that comes with trying to assert independence from a controlling mother.

I noticed this guilt in your February 21 post about breaking up with your girlfriend, where you wrote: “I will hold myself accountable for the hurt I caused her by breaking up, making me feel guilty… I will blame myself for… giving her hopes for a future together, and then taking it all away. I will feel really guilty for breaking her heart and causing her all the pain.”

While I understand your girlfriend is a different person from your mother, I see this guilt as being tied to something bigger—your feelings about “breaking away” from your mother. Do you think the guilt you feel about asserting independence from your mother has extended into other areas of your life, such as your guilt over breaking up with your girlfriend?

You asked me if I’ve found ways to navigate this dynamic or heal from it. For me, the guilt of separating myself from my mother has been overwhelming. It’s caused me decades of emotional pain. For years, I felt trapped in what I can only describe as a mental prison of guilt.

My mother was generally a weak and submissive person. I wanted to be strong for her, to help her become stronger, and I tried my best to do so. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted. But over time, I realized something important: she did become “strong” in her relationship with me—but it came at my expense. She became strong by making me weak.

When she guilt-tripped me repeatedly, telling me that even small acts of asserting independence were hurtful to her, it left a deep emotional scar. Her words made me feel as though wanting to live my own life or make my own choices was selfish and wrong. Over time, this guilt wore me down because it attacked my core desire to be a good daughter and a good person.

When I read your descriptions of your mother, I see similarities. You mentioned how she’s been weak in her relationship with your father: “I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless.” You also shared how you tried to make her stronger by encouraging her to leave or live separately for her own peace, but she never did. You wrote: “I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think.”

It seems that while your mother feels powerless in her relationship with your father and society, she expresses “strength” in her relationship with you, often in a controlling or manipulative way. You described how she handles your boundaries: “She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things… She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother.’… All my ‘no’s’ turn into a horrid situation where she starts telling me I don’t love or value her.”

This dynamic is unfortunately common. A parent who feels powerless in other adult relationships may assert control over a child because it’s easier. It’s harmful because it exploits the child’s natural love and trust, creating a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional dependency. If you’re interested, there’s research on this dynamic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further with you.

To answer your earlier question—if I’ve found ways to deal with the guilt or conflict—I’ll be honest: I wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with my mother without it being at my expense. No matter how hard I tried to create a healthier dynamic, it didn’t work. For me, and I’m not suggesting this is what you should do, I eventually ended all contact with her later in life. It was extremely difficult, and I carried guilt about it for years. Looking back, I wish I’d done it earlier and had more support in making that decision because society, especially in traditional contexts, often frowns on cutting ties with a parent.

That said, here’s my advice for you at this point:

* Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always Valid: Wanting to make your own choices doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad son.

* Set Boundaries in Small Steps: Start with small “no’s” and calmly explain your reasons. Be consistent. While your mother might react emotionally at first, over time, she might adjust to the idea that you’re standing firm.

* Find Support Outside the Family: Lean on friends, mentors, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and provide guidance.

* Create Independence Where You Can: If moving out isn’t an option, focus on building emotional and physical independence while living at home. Pursue hobbies, relationships, or goals that are meaningful to you.

* Redefine What It Means to Be a Good Son: Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your happiness or always saying yes. It means living authentically and treating yourself and others with respect.

* Consider Therapy for Deeper Healing: Therapy can help you work through the guilt and anxiety, navigate your relationship with your mother, and build confidence in setting boundaries.

* Understand Her Behavior Isn’t About You: Your mother’s actions likely reflect her own unresolved issues, not something you’ve done wrong. Understanding this might help you separate her emotions from your own.

This process takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to make decisions that are right for you and to live a fulfilling, independent life. It doesn’t mean you love or respect your mother any less—it just means you’re taking care of yourself too.

You’ve already shown so much strength in dealing with these challenges. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace. You’re not alone in this.

anita