Dear Anita,

Thanks for the response before bed, hope you rest well. I think what causes her annoyance is partially being away from me as summer involves working and not much entertainment. I see it as an outlet for her boredom or insecurity. On the other hand, I think that my anxiety and “nice guy” habits can annoy her when I probe too much for information or ask her to open up so I can understand her. Lately it just seems like she has been in this annoyed state and it’s like I’m pulling all the weight. It’s like I have to start the conversations and send long enough messages or questions to elaborate on for her to stay responding. It’s hard to know what she is thinking when annoyed because when I ask all she says is “I don’t know, I just get annoyed”. She doesn’t really offer any helpful input, which is frustrating for me.

I sometimes feel like a parent in that I’m always the one cheering her up or being logical about something or telling her something she doesn’t know because it’s obvious I’m more intelligent than her. And by baby I mean that when we’re together she is super lovey and touchy and clings to me and becomes so sweet. So when we separate and she doesn’t sound or act like this I’m left confused.

Dear Anita,

1) I feel that she takes advantage of my kindness by playing games. It’s like I’m supposed to get her out of her moods and understand everything she is thinking, but it’s impossible to mind read. She hardly gives me any information about why she may be upset or annoyed. For awhile, I was willing and happy to help her and understand why she was acting the way she was. But over time, after seeing that she continues with this behavior, it’s leading to resentment and my disinterest in wasting my precious energy solving her moods.

2) I did mean to say push/pull, my apologies. What I mean by that is the nature of our relationship I feel. I seek connection and her love and affection and I think she feels the same way too, but the push/pull nature ties into the cycles between us. I’m always trying to understand her and determine why she’s annoyed or whatever and when I decide to back off it seems she comes running back with an apology. It’s just impossible to understand anything because she’s so brief with her apologies and we can’t ever talk seriously because she thinks her simple little apology is enough. But for me, an apology only goes so far. I think the importance of an apology is sincerity and willingness to change actions. I don’t see much changing with these apologies.

I can understand what you mean by describing the circumstances she is under. Ultimately, it feels that I’m much more aware of my emotions and I’m so much more conscientious of why I act the way I do, and try to work towards change. I believe she is on another level of consciousness, like a lower frequency, and can’t come to grips with her emotions.

Dear Anita,

The information provided above is super helpful and I appreciate the thorough response.

Yes, I would agree that women can be troubling at times with their moods and desire for men to mind read. I’m going to do what you said though, and that is only do what I CAN do. If provided the information and the need for help, I will do so willingly, but I will no longer be a victim of “playing games” so that she can get what she wants. The trouble is being a “nicer” person, and more of a helper (selflessness), it is easy to want to give all the help you can. I’m just going to have to monitor her responses and think through what I need to say.

I’m also finding that sometimes the slower I respond, aka the more time I give her to think and add, the better it is for me. It allows for me to no longer be the entertainer and the constant, run down thinker. It also gives me back some power in this relationship.

When you speak about our differences and my ability to examine and understand at my so called higher frequency, it reminds me of how she does in fact sort of follow my lead. I have noticed she imitates my behavior to a certain degree. I notice that she will pick up on my terminology and actions, so I will just have to be careful with my behavior towards her. Ultimately, girls want someone to lead for them and make the decisions, which is much harder being away, but I will continue to work on staying present and not thinking too much about little things. If she ever wants to be upset or annoyed with me, that’s on her, I shouldn’t feel bad, which in most cases I feel empathetic which leads to the cycle of me wanting to help and only get pushed away.

So thank you Anita for those responses. Do you have any suggestions for how I can better handle her very “strong” beliefs and opinions. She is very set in stone about what she believes in and what she likes and doesn’t like. Her attitude about things sometimes when we talk can be overpowering and can be upsetting for me. She’s very competitive and likes to have her way with things, and being a nicer person it can be easy to give in for these reasons of hers. What can I do to strengthen my independence and stand up for myself. For the most part, I’m a pretty laidback person, only angered by constant stress, but sometimes I want to snap at her for her criticism or judgements towards me.

Dear Anita,

The criticism and/or judgements are typically what feels like is her desire to gain control or change me. Sometimes it’s like her telling me repeatedly how I need to eat healthier, work out more, work more, or something that involves comparison. I’m doing just fine with my eating and fitness, and I don’t work a ton right now but I’m also busy with a class. She will sometimes criticize me for not being busy or working like she is, and that I’m lazy. I think this relates back to what you said earlier, that it is summer and she doesn’t have a ton to do, so it’s easier to lash out at me when comparing our current circumstances. It’s just that after me telling her in a nice way I don’t appreciate some of the things she says over and over and seeing no change I’m getting irritable with hearing things I’ve heard plenty of times. I know that I’ve been critical in the past towards her when my initial relationship anxiety was worse because I was unaware of what kind of person she was because I struggled to get to know her, similar to how she withdraws during conflict like I’ve talked about. Is this something I just need to ignore like I will sometimes do with her attitudes so that it takes the power away from what she says? Meaning that I don’t react to these “harsher” words I don’t necessarily need to here frequently.

By beliefs and/or opinions, she is just very for them and when we think something different, she gets almost competitive like I’m trying to attack her. Simple things like the way we do things or the music we listen to. I don’t understand why I can’t like the things I like and prefer. Once again, these are things I try to react with calmness towards her because I’ve felt it is best, but maybe like I said above, I will try to ignore them to take the power away from the situation.

These things I’ve had to mention aren’t a huge deal, as I can be understanding and handle most situations pretty well. However, over time, these criticisms and judgements can lead to resentment. I think there is just tension between us sometimes, which causes us to want to shape each other because we do see a future ahead of us. I just want to create a calm and understanding atmosphere with someone that is a lot of fun and can be incredibly loving at times, but struggles to think things through in the way that I do. I guess I’m in need of ways to approach someone who is lower in intelligence, not in a bad way, but in thought processes, awareness of oneself and/or actions, and understanding.

I apologize if I misspelled anything or made something confusing to read as I’m pretty tired myself.

Dear Anita,

I would agree that it is her responsibility to be loving and not so critical. As I am doing my own part I should not have to take care of her myself.  I wonder if she has had bad experiences in the past which lead her to be more attacking towards me and I wonder if I need to address this. I can be very understanding, but it can be frustrating to try to help someone that only makes the situation more difficult. Sometimes I think she is this way because she values the relationship so much, but if she truly loves me and wants a future together, then why would she act in this way.

Part of me wonders if this is how she got her way growing up in her family. Her parents realize when she acts in this way towards me or when she seems upset. I wonder if she will grow out of this or this is something long-term and that cannot be changed. The scary thing is I want a good marriage in the future and as much as I like this girl it’s really hard to say whether or not she is the one. I would really like for her to change but then again it is not my responsibility.  The waiting part is what makes this hard, because part of me is persistent and optimistic, but I realize there’s only so much time and I have responsibilities myself.

Is  it possible for people to change or are some people stuck as they are? It’s very hard to judge how much she is willing to change. When we are together and she is loving she apologizes for being mean. Although she apologizes, the behavior rarely seems to change. There is a part of me that believes unless somebody goes through a life experience, a hardship, they do not have reason to change. We have talked before and she claims she has never had anything hard in her life, but I have. I have realized tough times make us more aware of ourselves, our actions, our behavior, our thoughts and how we go about doing things.

Dear Anita,

I think the way you reworded hardship makes more sense and how internal conflict influences change under the right circumstances. I am not sure, but I do believe she is insecure in some way, shape, or form. Although she is a very attractive girl with a good figure, she believes she has flaws and calls herself fat despite being very fit.  It’s hard to know if she is insecure or not, because she is able to deflect most things and pretend she doesn’t care,, but I also think this could be her insecurity defending her ego. I do believe she has a strong ego because she cares about how she looks in pictures and what not. I also believe that she may be insecure and instead of dealing with internal conflict, she finds a way to brush it off or ignore it. The reason I say this is because I notice how she can become annoyed and very angry and never cease to solve the problem.

I understand that people have different ways of solving their problems, But by simply ignoring and letting something anger you you never actually get past it, because you hold it in.  I’m curious as to whether she just has a lot of insecurity built up inside which makes her act out in this way towards me and other things. You’ll notice that people react to such little things because they have more internal conflict. While she is a great girl and seems very happy, I think there is something deep down that’s bugging her. It could be fear of rejection or not being good enough that drives her, but also drives her crazy at times. I don’t know for sure if any of this is true but for how much thinking I’ve done I realize this is bigger than myself. In a relationship you can only cause so much conflict before it becomes somebody else’s problem. What I mean by that is you have to meet someone halfway.

I would agree that a relationship or marriage should not be based off of optimism if the conditions are present as such. While I do enjoy this relationship, I will just have to stay present and play this by ear. I will try to minimize my anxiety and remind myself that there are plenty of other options out there that would be more than happy to be with me.

Dear Anita,

It’s easy for us to pick at each other and I don’t know why. It’s like a defense mechanism. If she is critical towards me, it’s hard not to hold a grudge against her, as I mentioned resentment is slowly building up.

But I would agree. I’ll have fun with what I can but I’m not going to set anything in stone. I’m considering even letting her know how I feel about her actions and negativity towards me at times and mentioning that I have thoughts about ending the relationship. Not as a threat, but a way to show her how much it’s starting to take a toll on me. She sometimes lacks the gratitude and appreciation and I’ll tell you what, it can be painful for how much you do.