June 11, 2014 at 6:01 pm #58652DParticipant
I been in a relationship for over a year that has not been going anywhere. I am a man in my 30s, and she is in her 30s as well. I am a Buddhist and she is a Jehovah’s witness. We get along well, never argue, and talk on the phone every day. Unfortunately she keeps our relationship a secret. Her children do know about me though. 2 of them I get along well with, the oldest despises me completely simply because of my Buddhist faith.
We live only 10 minutes from eachother but see eachother once a week for 2 hours (if that). I am having a real hard time staying committed to the relationship because of this. Yet when I pull away she gets hurt and I end up feeling horrible. It is NOT that I want to see other people. It is the constant reminders that it will never move forward. There is no talk of things moving foward as well. It is as if I am just being strung along.
I meditate and exercise daily. On the weekends I practice with monks at a nearby monastery. I has kept me grounded. However, when I am in communication with her it really drags me down.
Would be better to break all ties? My training teaches me non-attachment, but i’m not a monastic.
Any thoughts? Am I being unreasonable for trying to find a way out peacefully?June 12, 2014 at 5:52 am #58702Danielle ScottParticipant
even thought you get along well, the dragging down is a telling sign. I have been in a similar situation recently with a man who I get along with so brilliantly well, but due to his still being caught up in hurt, guilt and damage from his marriage which ended 10 years ago, we couldn’t continue our relationship without it dragging us both down. After half-splitting up four times, then once completely for three weeks, we are still close friends, but have both had to accept that we cannot currently be in a relationship. It has been very hard, but a major catalyst for further self development and while I cannot be his therapist, I can be supportive and hope that one day he will find his path to peace.
I’m sure you’re aware that as your friend is not responsible for your happiness, neither are you for hers. Easier said than practiced, but at the moment it sounds like you are being paralysed by guilt or empathy. You’re not being unreasonable at all. If you attend to it with openness and honesty, pain will be probably be inevitable but facing the reality of the situation will also free you and help relieve some of the burden.
dJune 12, 2014 at 7:36 am #58706MikeParticipant
You both need to realize that being in the relationship is hurting both of you. There are always reasons that people stay in such relationships, I have no ideas what they are in your case, but the longer you stay together the harder it will be to separate. If you are mostly a secret though in her life, it shouldn’t be that hard. There has to be some feelings that you don’t feel wholly accepted by her, and if there is no future then there is no reason for her ever to reveal her love for you to others. It is only my opinion but I think that she is keeping you around for selfish reasons. Every one takes differently to this, but sometimes a relationship counselor can really help you. No matter what relationships aren’t easy, but if you believe that you would be better off without her then you need to do what has to be done and not put it off because of the thought of causing her pain. Often times one person or both people in a relationship really aren’t well together, but as soon as the mention of breaking up is brought up there is a sudden change that causes things to change if only temporarily, but it is often enough to put the talk to a stop. It is often just a strong emotional response and it can cause some internal discomfort, it is usually about the ego. To get broken up with can really hurt a persons pride and self confidence even if they know its not working. So one or both go on miserable and pretending to be a happy couple, if not to the world then to each other. Then repeats the cycle.June 12, 2014 at 1:24 pm #58727DParticipant
Thanks all for the feedback. Confirmed what I already knew. But it is always helpful to hear it from someone else.