Relationship Guidance – To chase or give space or both

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 10 months ago by sarika.

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January 22, 2014 at 12:35 pm #49543
rhino
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Hi, love this site and thanks in advance to the many people who may read this.

My situation is my girlfriend now ex, broke up with me last Saturday. She said she loves me as a person, but not in love with me. She says she is no longer physically attracted to me, needs more emotional support, affection and more.

This has happened before and we have always reconciled (3 x 4 times), each time its almost the same thing, but each time she says it gets better, but then breaks up anyways.

We are both in our late twenties, we have been dating for almost a year and a half. She moved in with me in November 2013.

About me, previous to this relationship, i had put in a lot of effort into this girl i was dating, when all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. A month later, i met my now ex, i told myself that i would take it a little bit more casual. I was immediately attracted to her, by her kindness, warm spirit. Less than a month later, she wanted to go on a vacation and hang out with her parents for a long weekend. That immediately scared me and i said that is kind of fast isn’t it? and i think that set the one moving forward.

We have been through a lot, her and i. She was at a job she didn’t like, she had some financial issues, some health problems, and wanted to go back to school. I supported her in all those endeavors, and she was able to quit her job, balance her debt, go back to school and work at a job she loves helping others. When I say i supported her in those endeavors, i took the approach of being a guy and “fixed it” for her. At the time that is the only way i knew how to show love. This took an emotional toll on her, and she has told me repeatedly that she felt belittled, emotionally drained, and it was like a father/daughter relationship.

That feedback crushed me because at the time i thought i was giving her the best of my ability. Long story short, we tried to patch things up and i tried to be there for her more emotionally and affectionate but i guess it wasn’t enough. The other thing was, is that i always knew that i loved her, but it took me a while the courage to say it to her because of all the stuff we were going through (not that it should have mattered, but it made me scared) She tried to say it to me before and i kind of brushed it off.

There isn’t a thing i would change about her and we have the same vision for the future with the kids, how to raise kids, life after retirement, how to spend time. I am her biggest fan and supporter, but i realize that i just have shown it in all the wrong ways (my parents are very old school traditional parents from asia and i learned a lot of good and bad habits from them)

She is now moving out, i told her that i am not perfect and that we speak different languages of love, but i want to be there for her and give her those things that she feels is missing because i am committed to her and love her.

She said that she is done talking about it for now, she started tearing up and she said “don’t you think it is hard enough already with me moving out, and everything with you having to keep bringing this up? I dont want to keep talking about all the stuff you did wrong and make you feel bad. maybe in a month we can sit down and talk about what happened”

since then, i have given her space, she has found a new place and is moving her stuff out slowly throughout the course of the week. we are still very civil to each other, we ask how each other’s day are, etc… during these brief interactions i am a good listener and not a fixer.

i am not sure what to do because i love her and i still feel she loves me and that we just didnt know how to communicate with each other and she got frustrated and didn’t know where to turn to anymore. she acknowledges there are things she needs to work on as well, and since i have picked up the book the 5 languages of love to work on communication.

I am giving her space, but i am not sure if we will ever talk or even if i should give her some time before i even think of trying to pursue her.

What are your guys/gals thoughts? Thanks in advance.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by rhino.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by rhino.
January 23, 2014 at 2:15 am #49593

Mark
Participant

Rhino,
Good for you for recognizing and learning that there are different love languages and have shifted your behavior. I also recommend the Non-Violent Communication work by Marshall Rosenberg. Ideally she will learn the process so you two can practice. Byron Katie’s The Work is also a great process in communication.

My guess is to give each other space so she can “recover” from her pain and get use to being on her own for a while. Giving space means to me is to mutually agree not to communicate or be in touch until after a certain period of time, say 3 months or even longer. Otherwise if she leans on you for support and you will be her crutch and friend but not a lover anymore.

Best,
Mark

January 23, 2014 at 6:54 am #49598

Glenda
Participant

hello Mr. Rhino: It sounds to me like you had a one sided relationship. where everything was about the other person and nothing was about you. With what Ive read in your post, I can see that you are hurting and you want her back. But please take it from a person that has been there, you want something that she can never give you. Which is love, respect, appreciation and a life long commitment. Give yourself sometime and then go back and read your post, you will see that everything that you wrote on this post is about her. She does this, she wants this, she needs this. What about you? What are your needs? You cant keep two people away from each other if they want to be together, so no matter what a person is going through, they will stay with you if they really want to. Dont take her excuses of wanting space. Space means that I dont want to be around you. That I rather be by myself than hear anything else you have to say. It means that I dont want to build more on our relationship, that I am cutting ties with you cause I want a different life than I am living now. Its painful, its awful, Im being very blunt, because I dont want you to waste another second on this. Get yourself together. Pray, Cry, talk to someone that will give you an honest answer, go to the gym, go out with your guy friends and forget her and remember yourself. Remember there is a great good woman waiting for you to find her. She will give you all the love, appreciation, and understand. But first get yourself right, mourn this dead end relationship and move on. A good woman is waiting for you!

January 23, 2014 at 8:24 am #49611

I am
Participant

Rhino, I’m sorry this has happened to you. You didn’t say it so directly but I bet your’e a pleaser meaning that you will do anything for the other person even if you give up your own views and beliefs. I know because this has been me, I would give the shirt off my back and ask nothing in return but kindness. The problem is that you also believe, as I often do, that everyone else thinks the same way. While I don’t know the whole story you have pointed out all the things that you have done. I think Glenda really nailed it when she said, “one sided relationship” Where is her support for you? Trust me I’m starting to think the same thing in my relationship but not ready to give up yet.

I’m heading down today to get the book, “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz and I suggest you do the same. I read it some time ago and then gave it away but there was some really great stuff in there about finding someone that accepts you as you are.

January 23, 2014 at 8:36 am #49612
rhino
Participant
Could you share with me about your feelings on why you don’t feel ready to give up on?

I feel not ready to give up on this because we have so much in common in terms of values, views. She was loving and respectful the only way she knew how and was raised to bottle up her emotions as well. I feel simply that we were speaking the wrong language of love.

But Glenda said it the best, that i need to accept that she no longer wants to be with me and wants a different life. I believe we could both make each other happy but i need love myself first and let go.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by rhino.
January 23, 2014 at 8:44 am #49616

rhino
Participant

Thanks Glenda for your honesty.

My needs are as you listed, love, respect, appreciation and commitment. Communication was a big issue with us. We have very similar personalities. On the outside we put on a big brave smile and brushed everything off, but on the inside we are sensitive and sometimes insecure with our feelings.

I am afraid to accept the truth. They say timing is everything in relationship and i feel that although i did not describe her as a giver, i know she is. As i was climbing the corporate ladder, i was often stressed, she would provide comfort and patience with me by just being there for me, coming over to my house and being. She would try to ask how i felt but as an immature male, i brushed her off as if she would never understand how i felt.

I feel we got off on the wrong foot at the start, and now i might remember her as the one that got away instead of the one that i am to marry.

At this time i am doing the best i can to move forward and i do carry some regret, but i am learning so much right now and when i am ready to date/love again, i will apply this tenfold. I still wish it was her that it would be with though.

January 23, 2014 at 3:52 pm #49638

Rachel
Participant

Hi Rhino I can totally empathise with you as you seem to have bent over triple backwards to do everything for this person and sadly they do not seem to have given you the same and used their probilems as excuses You also have hard things to deal with in life but seem to have given given and given. I am the same with relationships and friends and constantly beat myself up about trying to handle each relationship right and read so many books.
You know in the end look in the mirror and you are a beautiful person and if they don’t love you it is about them not you. I finally met the most beaufiul person in the most strange place and when I had given up and no hope. All of a sudden all these rules and regulations do not seem to be there because our relationship is about respect and both giving equally. Don;t get me wrong we have a few rows as I am a fiery person and he is a stubbor ass but respect wins the day and also I count my blessings as I know he does that we found each other even though we both live separate sides of the world – nothing keeps us apart. Sounds dreamy doesn’t it – but don’t think the next relationship will be the same – if you are with the right person like a jigsaw it fits so much easier and is so less painful and tiring. Good luck

January 24, 2014 at 2:36 am #49659

sarika
Participant

Hi
me and my boyfriend together around 8 months but after 2-3 months of relationship everything is being difficult . he is gujarati and i am marathi he can speak marathi but i dont know how much he understands, actually in the starting we used to meet a lot but in between that i got a job he was asking me to come for movie but i couldnt then he asked me for outing i said no because i was not getting leave after that he just stop asking me 1 month after i started calling him for date , uting and all but he never come just once he came and about 4 months we haven’t met each other in that way , the way we used to…. we stay very near by , we saw each other but never go out …. meanwhile when i used to asked him questions he says lets break up, but after that 2 times we have broke up and now we are again together since 5 days but not the way i want …….. he is saying something has happen he couldn’t explain it to me and thats why he is upset and not intrested to do anything ,,, he is not even replying to my text …. he is not behaving the way he used to,, he calls me MY LOVE ,, he says you are still my love for me but i don’t know why he is behaving so different ,,,, i wrote him letter he said i don’t think he deserves all that i asked why he said just like that
please tell me what to do to get him the way he was… i am confuse sometimes i feel he is not in to me sometimes i feel he wants me but he cant express it due to his depression & the thing which are making him upset

pls help me soon
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