Home→Forums→Relationships→RELATIONSHIP HELP NEEDED
- This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Jennifer.
-
AuthorPosts
-
November 29, 2015 at 2:07 pm #88513violet96Participant
So, context is I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 and 1/2 years ish, I’m 19 and he’s 21. we’ve been happy for the majority of our relationship, despite bumps along the way, but we’ve both had fairly bad things happen to us during our time together (separate from the relationship) He lost his best friend who lives in another country, I didn’t know how to empathise and he seemed to hold it against me. Anyway separate to that he has lots of anger issues and started getting into lots of fights, doing drugs etc and we started drifting because he wouldn’t let me know what was wrong. So we knew it was going down hill and he came round, and i asked him if I was what he needed right now, he “couldn’t” reply (AKA didn’t know what to say) and in essence i took that as a no, things got emotional and i told him to leave, he barely said a word just cried but wouldn’t say no that he wanted to be together, so i said we were on a break he called the next day apologising ect but i said no we need a week. Anyway we got back together he went to therapy, no longer doing drugs fighting etc, which is great but I’m still scared stiff hell flake again and just leave me, I’ve told him this and he’s reassured me it won’t happen, but we still aren’t quite back to normal, I’ve found myself questioning if we should be together anymore as he’s going through a hard time again, and no he hasn’t gone off the rails, but in my insecure state I’m not coping with the lack of care on his part. Again I don’t know how to empathise, i need help i love him dearly. ps the break was about may-time. please please please help me get my head straight (I’m sure I’m coming across as selfish, genuinely I’m not I’m just insecure, if you know how to help me get over this and be a better girlfriend or move on… please comment!) I’m so up and down and low right now i really need advice, thanks everyone.
November 29, 2015 at 4:33 pm #88517AnonymousGuestDear violet96:
To show him empathy, ask him how he feels or otherwise, when he tells you how he feels, listen, do not interrupt him. Let him finish telling you. Then ask questions to know more (especially if he didn’t sway much, or “I don’t know”), gently ask, not criticizing him for what he says, arguing with his feelings, turning the attention to you- let it be about him for the time being. Mirror him, as in: “you feel angry because..” and validate him: “I can see why you would feel angry..”
And all along, don’t be fake, practice and be real. Get out of your own head and focus on him for a while. Then get back to yourself. He needs his time with your positive attention, listening respectfully, mirroring, validating, giving him a hug when he seems hurting.
You seem distressed at the time you wrote the above. This is something for you to express to him, and for him to listen to you and show empathy… you need it from each other.
You don’t need to be “perfect” so to be a good girlfriend for him and neither does he need to be perfect to be a good boyfriend to you. You both need to HELP each other. Reach out to him and make yourself a safe and welcoming place for him to reach out to.
anita
December 1, 2015 at 10:01 pm #88697PriaParticipantHi,
My husband cheated on me 7 years after our love marriage while I was away for my delivery. Things had always been just perfect for me all these years , lots of love , trust and respect despite so many obstacles and I was on top of the world. I never even expected that such a thing would ever even happen with me. Totally shattered after I came to know about this infedility when I was back home with a 4 month old little baby angel. It all turned out be the result of some bad intuitions I had been experiencing just before I went back home. It has been a hell for me to stay with him since then and is almost over an year now . He also had to confess helplessly and made several promises not to repeat this. Can’t understand whether to blindly trust him or not like before. I never trusted him after that horrible encounter and am facing a lot of pain,stress and anxiety due to all this. Just as I think that everything is back to normal considering all his apologies and faith building words and actions, things go wayward and it all ends up in a miserable fight and makes it really hard for me to forgive him and be happy myself. Things are better though , I feel I am just not like before and had to force myself to undergo a lot of personality changes as result of all this.The relationship between us has turned really sour and I feel it has become irreparable. . Please advice on leading a healthy life with a healthy mind because divorce is just impossible. I also feel really bad for making him guilty of his act time and again. I feel I have lost control on my mind after this incidence and finding it very difficult to get back on my track of managing home, Kid and also a hectic work. I have off late started avoiding him as much as possible which has never happened in the last 14 years of our total relationship. becomes really hard to stay with all this in mind and still get along with the normal chores. I feel I have been strong enough to deal with all this without any emotional support all this while. But break down at times even without my knowledge. I am losing myself from within.December 2, 2015 at 7:26 am #88705AnonymousGuest* Dear Priya:
Unfortunately, things can not go back to normal and you cannot trust him blindly- or at all- like before. You cannot be the same person and the relationship cannot be the same. Expecting otherwise is a set up for failure.Everything has to start anew, a new relationship with him, a new kind of trust, a new you. Nothing is or will be the same. You have to build a mindset that is fitting this new everything. By NEW I mean After you found out about his infidelity.
it is like waking up in the morning and seeing someone new in the mirror: you that is new, and seeing him as someone you just met, re-evaluating everything. As long as you don’t try to go back to what was, and as long as you adjust and grow realistically and effectively into what IS, you will be okay.
anita
December 2, 2015 at 9:32 am #88711JenniferParticipantDear Violet96:
Thanks for sharing with us. It sounds to me that you are facing a lot of issues right now and it is causing you a lot of distress. I think you are not being selfish at all. You are just looking out for what’s best for you.
I’d say focus on taking care of yourself first and then through doing that, you’ll know how to take care of your boyfriend. You being there to listen is already a HUGE undertaking. Misery loves company…so if you were to making things better, start with you first. Take some time for yourself and think about what brings you peace & joy? Once you have a solid grounding of your own self, then you can listen with an open heart. It is hard to comfort someone else when we are not happy ourselves. Try to use “I” instead of “you” e.g. “I feel like something’s not right. Can we talk about it?” or “I feel like things aren’t the same. How can we make it better together?”
Also, I believe a lot of men don’t talk about their emotions openly. Try to just be there and feel their energy out. Sometimes quietness can help solve the problem & they’ll figure it out themselves after the fact.
Take care!
JenniferDecember 2, 2015 at 9:55 am #88718JenniferParticipantDear Pria,
I’m sorry to hear what has happened. When these things happen, they catch us off-guard and we can’t quite do things the same anymore. What we need to do is acknowledge our wound….our pain and suffering…and know that it is ok to accept the pain. It is just like grief…we will go through cycles of unhappiness, loneliness, anger, resentment…and it will take time. Allow yourself time to heal. Allow yourself to be yourself. It takes time to build the trust again.
Also you can ask yourself the question “what is true love?”. True love cannot be just defined by our physical appearance or actions, but rather it is our deep commitment to another person. From your post, it sounds to me that your husband still truly and dearly loves you but he made a mistake in his life. You have known him for 14 years, which is 5,110 days….he made a mistake just once…so the probability of him making a mistake again is 1/5110 or 0.019%…a very very low probability. He hasn’t ran away from his responsibilities as a father and as a husband, so he still truly cares.
I think the best thing you can do is to now focus on your child. Watch how your child grows up everyday…learn new skills…give new expressions. When you dedicate your love unconditionally to your child, you are also give love to your husband. You don’t need to force yourself to say or do anything with your husband…when you nourish and care for your child…it will break through the anger and painful seeds stored within yourself. Take it a day at a time, at your own pace.
Take care and I wish you all the best!
JenniferDecember 2, 2015 at 9:58 am #88719AnonymousGuest* Jennifer, I had to comment on how endearing (to me) it is that you combined your experience as an accountant to calculate probabilities here. You are using your past career in your future career as a counselor! Good job, says I!
anitaDecember 2, 2015 at 2:29 pm #88741jockParticipantPria
I can imagine such an event can really poison a marriage/relationship. Any negative becomes a trigger/a reminder of the infidelity. Unless there is some way you can overcome this, you might do well to find another partner. Just another perspective on this.December 2, 2015 at 11:03 pm #88774PriaParticipantThanks all for you valuable replies. I am highly overwhelmed and will definitely do a workaround to find all the happiness I deserve.
The healing process is the toughest and longest though.Making a lot of efforts to make things positive by indulging in a lot of activities that I like to do. The toughest phase is actually over. But still the remnants cause a lot of pain and finding a way to flush it all out and get back to the fairy world that I lived in once upon a time. Nevertheless lacking out on the emotional support front and finding it really hard to become less suspicious of him though I know deep in my heart that he wouldn’t hurt me ever again. Confronting him is the biggest issue I am facing because of all this and I am also hurting him unintentionally and unknowingly by making him feel guilty about all this for almost every conversation we have and it all ends up in a terrible fight. Just as I begin to think I forget all this , bad time and thoughts just encroach my feelings and I end up in doubting and questioning him with the same old stuffs. Please help me in getting rid of such horrible feelings and lead my life in an efficient way.December 3, 2015 at 8:20 am #88786AnonymousGuestDear Priya:
Do you fully believe that indeed “he wouldn’t hurt me ever again.”?
And did you really live a life of complete trust before? Were you betrayed before this? By anyone else, a parent, perhaps?
To get over this, for that aim, I think that you need more insight into yourself- see my previous comment about looking at yourself in the mirror in a new way (as well as looking at him… and your life anew).
anita
December 3, 2015 at 10:35 am #88813JenniferParticipantDear Pria,
Just going back to Anita’s point…the present situation sometimes triggers unhappy thoughts from the past. Perhaps you were abandoned or someone you trusted did not keep their promise in your childhood…and it is triggering events from very long time ago (childhood)…then the current past (husband) and the present (your interaction with your husband now). We need to shine light on this in order to fully heal ourselves in the present.
I found keeping a journal very handy. When I was getting over previous relationships where I felt betrayed…I would write all my thoughts and feelings down. Then slowly, you can look back and see what are the triggers.
Just to share, I personally had attachment issues from my childhood that affected all my romantic relationships. When someone didn’t keep their promise, it would take me months to get over it. It started when I was young, my parents were too busy working all the time. My grandma took care of me when I was 2 years old…she was also taking care of my 3 and 8 year old cousins. But within a couple of months…because she could not handle having 3 grandkids at the same time…and me being the “newest addition” was kicked out of the house. I had to board with a nanny and didn’t see my parents for 5 days a week from when I was 2 to 5 years old. I felt betrayed and abandoned by my family. It has affected every one of my romantic relationship until now. It is only recently that I was able to tie my present attachment issues to my past. It is crazy how the past can dictate our current daily lives.
If you are struggling too…I suggest seeking a good therapist…uncover what’s under the wraps…get to the bottom of the issues.
Take good care. Keep us posted.
JenniferDecember 4, 2015 at 1:20 am #88854PriaParticipantDear friends,
Journaling came in as a real good help for me too. And also silence has come handy at times of anger and despair.
As a child my life was very good till my lil brother was born. I thought it to be a boon. But soon realized it came in as a bane and my parents started differentiating in our bringing up and I was kinda affected by all this. We both were brought up by my grandparents and they were the ones who supported me during this pain and made my healing process really fast. But after my lovely angel, my grandmom passed away I again got into the neglected mode and that was the main reason I started truting a man outside of my family and sought love fron him . I also believed him to be the perfect man for my life that god has sent and I went against all odds to get married to him.
To make things clear, this is the first ever time that he has lost my trust and I also believe that the affair that he had was a passing one and only lasted for a very short while say 2 or 3 months. But that too was really devastating for me as it was least expected. I am sure he did not do it with an intention to hurt me. Neither will he do it ever again. Just that it is becoming hard to regain that trust again.Thanks
December 4, 2015 at 7:31 am #88863AnonymousGuestDear Pria:
You wrote that you believed your husband to be “the perfect man .. that god has sent”= problem, because he is not perfect in any way. How do I know? Because we are talking about a human being and none is perfect, not by themselves and not in relationship to another. We only IMAGINE a person is perfect. A child imagines her parents are perfect because of her (or his) need to feel safe, protected. As children grow up, if mentally well and equipped, they change the way they see the parents, no longer perfect but “good enough” (if they were good enough, in an ideal situation).
Seeing your husband as perfect is a result of lack of maturing enough. And if the husband thinks the wife sees him as perfect, it may feel nice for a while, but there is pressure in it. He knows, in that case, that he is not perfect and is afraid of you finding out. Give him the space to be … appropriately imperfect, so he is relaxed to be himself.
anita
December 4, 2015 at 12:48 pm #88886JenniferParticipantDear Pria,
Reading your last reply, maybe the frustration is coming from a disconnect between your mind and your heart. Your mind says “do not trust him because he did something that hurt me”. Your heart says “he still loves me very much and I see it”. Perhaps take some time to reflect and think how you feel as a whole. When you reflect, accept those emotions & then carry it gently like a child (e.g I am feeling resentment…but its ok that I feel it after all…this feeling will pass shortly). Don’t judge yourself for feeling no trust. You are doing your best at this point in time. We are human beings after all. Trust is something that takes time and confidence to build. Unfortunately it is not like a light switch, where you can turn it off or turn it on.
Perhaps you can also think about how your grandparents helped you heal. What was it that they did? The food they cooked, the songs they sang, stories they shared, or something else that made you warm and fuzzy inside? For example, maybe you like eating a good meal. Perhaps you can ask your husband to take you out on a “date” to have a good meal. You can try to make it like your first date with him & leave the past behind for just that time…enjoy the meal, the atmosphere, share some jokes. Humour is another good way to restore broken relationships.
Take it easy…and good luck,
Jennifer -
AuthorPosts