I have never wrote anything online before, in fact I have never even told anyone what I am about to share. But I need help, advice and I just need someone to talk to.

I will start from the beginning so bare with me. I will try to be as detailed as possible.

Three summers ago I met this girl, we can call Jenny. I met her at a friends house one afternoon while hanging out she just stopped by, I went home that day and followed her on Twitter. Slowly by slowly I gathered up the courage to talk to her, casually nothing serious. She at the time had a boyfriend of a few months. Closer to the end of the summer she found out her boyfriend has cheated on her so I consoled her and tried to help, at the end of the summer we hung out finally! (No nothing happened)

Our birthdays are pretty close hers in September and mine October. So now we are 17, both single. She was very out going and very good looking, myself on the other hand quite the opposite. We started going to lunch everyday and it was great, she often asked me if I was looking for a girlfriend or questions along those lines. For some reason I felt that saying I wasn’t interested in a girlfriend was a good idea, I don’t know if it was my ego or what but I stupidly went with a solid NO.

— a little insight on myself at the time, I never dated, never had sex before and honestly never even kissed a girl.–

Around November we started fooling around more and a week after January we had sex for the first time. At the time I had some serious personal problems because I was drug dealing at my school and I had 9 pending charges. Although we weren’t dating she cried when I told her the day I got arrested, she was always there for me.

She often asked me if I wanted to go out and I always refused. One day she asked me if I cared if she hooked up with another guy, I didn’t think much of it and I said “sure whatever” or something along those lines. One day I logged into her twitter and saw some messages between her and another guy and I knew they had sex and I was so upset, I realized I made a mistake. One week later I asked her out.

I asked her to be honest about her past and she told me everything, or so I thought. She left out two things, one being she had sex with someone in November (which I found out later) and two she didn’t admit to having sex with the guy that I found out about which led me to ask her out. I brushed it off but it still felt off because I always knew she was lying and I didn’t understand why.

I started to feel very insecure the summer coming up and I use to complain about her past and how I wanted to be with other girls so we were even. Near the end of the summer she wanted to break up saying I was not ready for a relationship.

I just want to add up till this point she did everything for me, she never complained, she always took care of me, always helped me out. She was not a bad girlfriend by any means.

When she told me she wanted to break up I begged her not to and that I would change. She reluctantly agreed but I felt like something was wrong. Over the next few weeks she would always go out with her friend and a group of guys, one day I signed into her account and saw messages from one guy asking her when she wanted to be picked up from the gym and when I confronted her she lied. When I told her I knew she was lying and how hurt I was she did a full 360, she cried and said how sorry she was. That she wanted to work on the relationship and that she was tired of lying. I told her to come clean about everything she said nothing happened and again she didn’t mention the guy she slept with (the one I saw the messages about before I asked her out) – even though I specifically asked her.

So this unfolded in September, 1 year after we first started seeing each other. I by all means was not a good boyfriend and I did a lot of wrong by her so I forgave her. Things seemed to be going good but I always had a bad feeling in my gut.

In January a few months later I was sitting beside her when she got a more than friendly Happy New Year text from one of her customers from work which I found alarming. I messaged the guy who picked her up from the gym a while back and he told me that they made out three times. When I confronted her I was furious, I was hurt and I felt betrayed. Not that she did it but more so that she didn’t come clean to me about it when I begged her to. It was at that moment she told me everything that happened with him, and that she also had a kiss with the guy that gave her the happy new year kiss, although she would very occasionally send him pictures and talk on the phone.

From January – March she worked her ass off to do anything and everything to make it up to me. I can’t begin to explain the hoops I made her go through just to make myself feel better. She didn’t talk to friends, she didn’t go out, I made her quit her job. Full craziness.

After two months she gave up, she wanted out, she said she was sorry but she ruined the relationship and she tried everything but it was too late because I wouldn’t ever love her again. I realized I should give her a chance but she really was done at that point. I told her to stay and I’ll try to be more forgiving. After a month and no change from myself we got into a fight and broke up 1st of May.

We didn’t talk for a week, I called her and said I was sorry and I understood why she didn’t want to be with me but I do love you and that maybe the timing wasn’t right and I hope I would meet you again. And she said something to me that I didn’t understand at the time but it will become relevant later, she said (while crying) “that was really sweet, I love you too, and if we got back together we could start fresh? The past would be that and it wouldn’t matter what happened.” – I said yes, unless something happened this week we broke up! But of course nothing happened righty…?

— no nothing happened, thank you for calling me.

The next 6 months were messy, me chasing her, begging her/ me fighting her and being the worst person I could be. She kept saying I don’t want to be in a relationship it’s too much for me to handle, it will be the same thing again. I’m not with other guys I just want to be alone.

Then one day I had enough, I said I can’t keep going back and forth. Either let’s get back together or I’ll bring everything you gave me and I want you to bring everything I gave you and we will part ways. Either show up with my stuff or show up to try again. – she showed up with my stuff, I didn’t beg or cry. I kissed her on the cheek and walked out calmly.

That same day she called, she didn’t say she wanted to get back together but she said something along the lines “I wish I could come back to you, but it’s too late now”

I said tell me why you think that and if it’s too late that should be my call. Turns out she hooked up with 3 guys over the last 6 months. The first guy she had sex with two days after we broke up, then she had sex with him again and that was the end of that. The second guy they just fooled around three times no sex. The last guy she had sex with twice. She told me that it wasn’t very good and nothing was like being with me no matter how hard she tried.

Filled with excitement I overlooked everything, and I just missed her so I said it’s okay come back we will work it out.

— on a side note, she had sex with the second guy twice with no condom. Now to some this is normal, I’m not one to judge. But for my or our love life I was the only guy she ever let have sex with her without a condom on, it made me feel not so special when she told me that…
Also to feel closer she would often let me finish in her, it created a strong connection we both felt I can’t describe it in words but it literally felt like making love.

Now she told me all this after saying for months how she wasn’t with anyone. About a week before all this I caught a girls number at work (before I knew all this would happen) and she told me this “let’s get back together and start fresh it will be like when we were first dating, I want to court you and make you feel special. I agreed, I didn’t believe it would work out so I kept the girls number, about a month in I had sex with the girl hoping it would make me feel better about what happened. It didn’t. It made me feel like shit. And worst of all, my girlfriend thought we were dating from day one even though she said “courting”. I don’t know if I’m in the right or wrong but either way I feel bad. I never once lied to her no matter what she did to me I never cheated I never did anything and that one act makes me miserable even six months later.

And how has it been since we got back together? More or less perfect, the only time we fight (not often even) is when she is breaking down from the guilt, from everything she put me through. She really has been perfect and I don’t have a single complaint about her. And she finally told me when we got back together about that one guy from almost two years ago before we started dating.

Now what’s wrong might you ask? Honestly some things I can say but others I can’t put into a question let alone words.

– I worry she let one of those guys cum in her during sex. Although she insists she would never and that I’m the only one.
– That she actually enjoyed having sex with other guys more than me, even though she says she didn’t and that if she did she would have had sex with them more often I have doubts.
– Everything that happened really hurt my ego, I feel like garbage. I feel not adequate enough for her, I feel like I can not satisfy her.
– The girl I slept with I have not told her, although I feel like she would forgive me I lied a few times about it and I feel so bad I cry about it sometimes but I’m just so scared to say anything but I want to come clean.
– I feel a lot of anger and resentment for what happened.
– Sometimes I second guess if she loves me
– When she compliments me I don’t feel good about myself it feels like she’s just kissing ass

The only reason I stayed is because for once in a long time things have been perfect. A few things I want people to consider for her side just because I think it played a factor.
– she had a long history of abuse and sexual abuse.
– She doesn’t have a strong support system at home
I feel like that plays a big factor in why she turns to sex during hard times. I mean we all have our poisons. Mine is cocaine.

The last few months have been a roller coaster within myself, I want to forgive her, I want to come clean, I want this relationship to stay on track, I don’t want negative karma following me around. Im scared if I tell her she will leave me or she will hook up with someone out of revenge. I don’t know if it’s a true fear or I’m playing the worst in my head. For once in my life I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m truly lost.