I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months and he’s probably one of the loveliest people I’ve met. However, I feel like I am suffering with ROCD. I experienced it also in my last long term relationship of 3 years however there were things fundamentally wrong with the relationship. He had been cheating on me and was very narcissistic, I felt like I was trying to change into someone I wasn’t and there was no laughter or happiness between us.

I was single close to a year when meeting my current partner. At first it was slow and all of a sudden we clicked, it felt so right and I didn’t have a doubt in my mind – even though a relationship wasn’t really on my agenda. We spend a lot of time together usually, I’m extremely comfortable in his company. He’s caring, funny and understanding.

But since the global quarantine and not seeing each other for over a month, all my feelings are dead and gone now. I spend each day worrying to the point it feels so normal and easy to end the relationship, I feel like I would be happy again. The worry revolves around whether I miss him, my love for him, which now feels non existent, how good my partner is for me and putting my ex on a strange pedestal – believing I loved him more. On a side note, my ex and I’s relationship was very forced and I could never be myself (I was not remotely in love). But when my boyfriend texts me now, I feel like I get that ‘ick’ feeling and it sends me into a panic. But the loving feelings feel so long ago now that I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t get them back – really really sad. I struggle to find him attractive, I’ve lost all desire for intimacy and I can’t help but pick out all the negatives.

I find reassurance from family and friends and for a few minutes or even up to an hour I feel reassured but then it all comes flooding back in. It’s just that knowing feeling and maybe that knowing feeling simply is that – I know I don’t want this. I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and he is very supportive insisting we will be together for a long time (which can scare me too).  I’ve read so many articles about gut feelings and signs to break up that it’s absolutely petrifying me. I don’t want to hurt him and I’m not in the right mind to act on anything either. I’ve also read tonnes of articles on ROCD in an effort to calm myself but I’m so scared that these feelings are true. I feel like I’ve got past the point of anxiety now that I’m sitting with a numbness.

I’m at a complete loss, I’m seeing an ROCD therapist soon but I just worry it’s too late for that and I’m waiting for myself to end the relationship. Any advice would be so appreciated.