Hi. First of all, forgive me but my english could not be as perfect as i want. I come here to talk about my experience regarding my OCD and my relationship. In the past, i have passed through a very hard time dealing with hypochondriac obssesions before having any real relationship. I used to do blood tests and all, and constantly researching about symptoms. Also, later, in the middle of my actual relationship and before my OCD attached to it, i used to obsess over a friend of mine who has HIV. She is my best friend and it was hard for me.

Before my actual relationship, in my first one, i suffered a lot. My ex cheated on me with countless guys, almost 8 months before i realized that she actually was that type of person, extremely sexual. I idealized her to the point i could not even doubt about her faithfulness, and when i saw a hard proof that i was being fooled, it resurrected my old OCD monster like never before, and it was like entire months compulsevely spying her and trying to know everything she used to do. I realize that was sick and i even realized that in that moment. I finally ended that relationship without so much suffering, just the pain of what i have lived. I used to have a trauma associated to the cheating thing, because of my childhood and parents problems.

Now, everything it’s different. My actual girlfriend is a wonderful person. I met her not so much time after the first relationship ended (which always spiked me, because i used to think that it was just because i felt alone), but i knew then that she was different. I dated other girls and i didnt feel what i felt for her. It was cute, loving, and i save that memories in my soul as a treasure that give me strenght against OCD. She is beautiful, in all senses. Perfect. And, the crazy thing, i know i love her so deeply, in a very different and healthy way. We have like a year and a half of being together. But i can’t describe her so much, it’s like i feel something that doesn’t let me do it. It scares me. Im afraid about everything, about not feeling excited around her, about not feeling jealous when i picture her with other guy, about not missing her, and also i feel terrible, terrible urges to identify myself with songs, movies, books. To the point that i cant even hear o read the word “in love” without entering a terrible mental hole of doubt. Our sexual life always was good, but it wasn’t so lustful like with my ex (i don’t even want that to be happy), i always feel it as some kind of “spiritual sex” that we have, if you know what i mean. I tried, some months ago, to end the relationship, and i cried 2 days without stoping until i decided to not do it. It felt terrible, i didnt want to do it.

My first fear, of course, is what if i don’t love her? What if my love is not enough? And why i’m doing this? Posting in another language ? Why i dont feel crazy for her? Also, it drives me crazy that i have had cheating thoughts and dreams in which i felt like i have done something. Feeling attracted to other people sends me to the thinking loop again. Sometimes it feels so real.

A lot of the things that i described are very important to me. My work is related to books and its very hard for me to deal with this. I want my relationship to be fine, but its like i cant see a future clearly and i dont know why is that. Im afraid someone tells me that its because the relationship doesnt work. I also did therapy but i think the therapist was a bit more interested in the money (it was expensive) than the recover. Nonetheless, i did take a lot of knowledge about ROCD from there.

Thanks for reading! I hope you are all great! 🙂