Dear Tiny:

I didn’t understand the text you quoted, the one he sent you yesterday after you texted him a reply regarding your choice of wine. But what I do understand is that for a long time in the relationship, the two  of you worked as a team, working together against your anxiety (“he always makes time for me, calls me, if my anxiety is  bad he’s there for me. I do the same for him. We communicate well, laugh together”).

But lately, you started working against him, instead of against your anxiety.. sort of teaming up with your anxiety against him (“We got into our first fight.. he still seemed annoyed with me.. I tend to pull back when I get super anxious and I don’t want to push him away”)-

How about going back to working with him, not against him, teaming up against your anxiety?

anita

Dear Tiny:

You are welcome. That “tiny ‘what if?’ voice” in your head- I know this voice. Considering its persistence, and refusal to be satisfied- it is not a tiny voice. No matter how many times you answer its questions, it will keep coming up with more questions. If you ask your boyfriend for the meaning of the text, and he gives you a satisfying explanation, the tiny voice will be gone.. just for a short while. It will be back with the next question, and the next. So better not feed it. That tiny-what-if voice does not really seek answers- it is like an itch that keeps wanting to be scratched.

There is a way to deal with this voice so that it doesn’t destroy your relationship. (1) Let another voice be louder: “I believe in never taking out my anxiety or depression on others”, and “I DO trust him”, (2) lessen your anxiety every day by practicing Mindfulness, aerobic exercise, and more.

There is a principle in U.S. criminal law called “reasonable doubt”. When a jury is to decide whether a person accused of a crime is guilty or not guilty, the jury is instructed to ignore doubts similar to to the tiny what-if voice you mentioned, because many people are anxious and doubt a whole lot. So, the instruction is to not consider a doubt unless it is a reasonable doubt.

anita

Hi Tiny,

I’m sorry to read you’re going through such a tough time. It is really hard, especially for those of us with anxious brains that just won’t shut up. I am no stranger to this voice. I call it “The Demonic Voice of Anxiety”.

You see, there is a reason I gave it such a horrible name, despite knowing that my anxiety is trying to protect me from potential danger (physical/emotional). I call it thus because I find that my anxiety attacks everything I care about. These “what if” or “OMG” thoughts are always about someone I love or something that matters to me. Do you think that’s what’s happening with you too? Considering how much you love and care about your boyfriend?

I also find that my anxiety tends to bleed to other areas of my life. For example, if I am anxious about a mistake I made at work, I get worked up to such a frenzy and am so much at edge that the tiniest of the things just triggers me. For example, why is my mom not answering my call? Is she okay? Did something bad happen? OMG what if she’s hurt herself? Actually, she was just in the bathroom. Is this something you experience too?

Listen to Anita; she is very wise. Exercise is a great way to shake off all that stress. Go for a run. Practice yoga. Hell, just put on some music and dance it out. Practice deep breathing exercises. I find they instantly loosen that anxious knot in my chest. But I find that the best thing to do is to be present in the moment. Being present in the moment, focusing on the very present (what you are doing/tasting/feeling with your fingers/etc.) can prevent your mind from wandering and going back to anxious thoughts and what-if scenarios, lowering your anxiety little by little. These are some tips that I practice, though I won’t say I’m a master at all. It is hard and I struggle. But this helps.

Now about the situation with your boyfriend. I know it’s scary for you, I completely understand that, but the easiest way is to talk to your boyfriend. Obviously, don’t spring him with “Are you cheating on me?” Instead, just ask him about the text. No harm in that. If you are insecure, it is always good to clear it out. From what you say about him, he sounds great and will understand. What I feel is, even though he is amazingly supportive of you, he is still only human. Him snapping at you is an extremely human thing to do, even though it is unlike him. You can’t expect him to be loving and romantic all the time, right? He is going to be angry or irritated with you from time to time. He is going to be stressed out sometimes. He is going to be sad sometimes. He is going to even not want to talk to you sometimes. Now people like us find this difficult to deal with, but it’s human nature. No?

You mention about his phone habits, which seem to just fuel your what-if thoughts. Like Anita said, this itch you simply can’t seem to reach will only get more itchy every time you pay attention. If you get a clarification about the phone habits, tomorrow it will be something else: Why is he wearing this shirt after so long? (simply no reason) Why does he not want to meet me today? (he is just too tired) Why is he suddenly interested in working out? (he wants to be fit, probably for you) You get it? Treat these thoughts like a tantrum-throwing child. I sometimes say to those thoughts, “yeah yeah I know this could be the case. But until there is more evidence, I dont have the time to think more about this.” You could also say to yourself, “I’ll deal with it when it comes to it. Thanks for the warning.”

I hope some of this helps.

Take care.

Hi Tiny,

I’m sorry to hear about your panic attack. Are you feeling better now?

I know it must be hard for you when it comes to relationships. You seem to have gone through tough times in the past, and it is only natural you feel skeptical and cautious in this area of your life. I know it is probably terrifying, but I still maintain it would be better if you spoke to your boyfriend about this. I’m sure he will understand. At the same time, from what you say (he always has time for you, despite him working a lot), it doesn’t seem like he has the time to cheat on you.

Being no stranger to panic attacks, I can share with you some tips that have helped me successfully thwart panic attacks. Do let me know if you would like me to share them.

I’m glad to read that you’re going to exercise. It does help a lot. Please try guided meditations as well, if you can.

Take care 🙂