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July 21, 2016 at 7:06 pm #110289NinaParticipant
Hello! I am new to this but I have to say it feel’s good to have a place to spill the beans. It might be a doozy though…I’m not trying to sound like im feeling sorry for myself below but i’ve never actually shared this with anybody.
I’ve always struggled with relationships. My father was a narcissist/alcoholic/drug addict, he was mentally/physically abusive towards my mom and due to his narcissism, raised our family in a way that made to the outside world look like we were a big happy family but behind closed doors it was absolute turmoil(they finally separated when i was 18). I’m an introvert bookwork with two outgoing siblings(i’m the middle) who don’t really get me and generally just chalk it up to me not being as smart/funny as they are. My mom did her best but was completely emotionally unavailable. She was pretty mean actually. Looking back I think it was how stressed out she was so I felt really bad for her. During a move, my sister and I recently found her old diary with some really awful secrets in there. I have a lot of natural empathy and I felt REALLY bad for her as a kid. I would hide in my laundry basket while my parents would get into crazy fights too afraid to call the cops.I would try to people-please my mom since no one else seemed to notice her pain like I could and I wanted to help (I’ve always felt like this old soul who wants to help people?). I would go to school every day with a smile on my face, I felt very ashamed for my home life. I didnt want people to look and me and see some girl who has a crummy life and scare them away. I was also shy so I never had any friends(thank god for books). I didn’t even know how to have a relationship in general since I would just fantasizing and escaping. I am not a materialist person and I have come to realize just how much I value close relationships so I can see why I suffered from depression, starting from the age of 5-6. I couldn’t get close to any of my family members and being so sensitive, I craved that connection so badly it hurt. Extended family knew about the abuse but they didnt like to talk about stuff like that which hurt even more).
Fast forward 25 years later and I am stuck in a people pleasing relationship. Still don’t really have any friends since I push people away the if I sense rejection(real or imagined). I had a lot of negative emotions built up due to me pretending to be happy for so long when I wasnt.. I made ALOT of mistakes in my twenties looking for connections with people but in very unhealthy ways. This built up my shame/guard even more. The bf and I have been together for nearly 7 years now but he hurt me ALOT in the beginning. But I hung on because i felt this weird connection to him, something ive never felt before. Eventually I lost that emotional connection due to his lying and cheating. I want to break up with him to move on and heal. Ive learnt a lot about myself in the past seven years. But I feel sooo guiltyy. We have a house and a dog together. He has turned around and is now a great boyfriend but i’m not IN love. I know they answer is easy but i have such much trouble with the guilt of leaving him. To be clear I love myself very much these days but its hard to break old habits and stop people pleasing. I felt suicidal for most of my life but just had a slight glimmer of hope that had me hanging on. My boyfriend cheating on me was almost a blessing in disguise because it helped me hit rock bottom and turn around my unresolved issues. Can anybody relate? Any advice? Im sorry this was so long but it felt so good to get it off my chest!
Thanks : )July 22, 2016 at 5:02 am #110296InkyParticipantHi naturelover07,
I think if you didn’t have a house and a dog together breaking up with him would be SO much easier!! Add your people pleasing instincts to that…
Listen, if your BF cheated on you, deep down he wasn’t happy either. And the fact that he got caught also means that subconsciously he WANTED you to find out!
Selling the house and letting him keep the dog would be a blessing to both of you. It IS a blessing.
When he fights, cries, pouts, argues, acts better or acts worse when you break up with him, just repeat to him and to yourself: “It’s a blessing.”
Best,
Inky
July 22, 2016 at 9:42 am #110304AnonymousGuestDear naturelover07:
These are my thoughts, my understanding about the reality I see in your post. Let me know where I may be correct, and where not so. I will be typing-as-I-think:
Your father was abusive. Your mother was emotionally unavailable and mean, at times, that is … somewhat abusive as well. You are a young child, not yet an individual, mentally. Your identity is a fusion of your mother and yourself (you identified with her, not with your father).
She is not empathetic to you, doesn’t consider your well being, doesn’t see your pain and fear as you hide in that laundry basket, and otherwise, day after day, year after year.
In that one Unit with her, you make up for the lack of empathy coming from her. You make up for the lack by having a lot of empathy for her. There must be a certain amount of empathy in that unit of identity and you produce it all.
You grow up in years but the unit is still that unit. If you separate from that unit, through healing, you will be redirecting your empathy from empathy to your mother to empathy for yourself and you will then be acting for your own benefit in the choices that you make.
If you separate from that unit of identity with your mother, you will see her as she is and then you will see you as you are.
anita
July 23, 2016 at 8:08 pm #110387NinaParticipantThank you very much for responding! Inky, i completely agree with you! It really is a blessing! The lumps I’ve taken early on in life have only made me stronger as I continue to grow : )
Anita, that is actually an interesting perspective I haven’t thought of before, i have always had this feeling that I just cant seem to move on from the past so maybe that has a lot to do with it. Empathy is certainly a challenging emotion at times but I know it can have it’s benefits if I can just use it in a healthier way. Thanks very much!
Take care : )
July 24, 2016 at 7:13 am #110393AnonymousGuestDear naturelover07:
What lead me to introduce the Unit perspective is what you wrote in your original post: ” My mom did her best but was completely emotionally unavailable.” There is a contradiction here: how could your mother do her best if she had no empathy for you (“completely emotionally unavailable”)?
And then you added: “She was pretty mean actually.” Mean is cruel, abusive, intending to harm… her own daughter, or uncaring to seeing that she is hurting her own daughter. This is farther than …doing her best.
“Looking back I think it was how stressed out she was so I felt really bad for her.” – here is the thing: YOU are the one feeling empathy for her, not the other way around.
Like you, I was stuck as well in people pleasing and I too pushed people away if I sensed rejection, real or imagined. And I too pretended to be happy. I made ALOT of mistakes as well in my twenties looking for connections with people but in very unhealthy ways. This built up my shame/guard even more, in me as well. So as to your question, can anybody relate? Yes, I can.
Regarding your current relationship, you wrote that he is currently a good boyfriend but you are no longer in love with him. You want to leave him but you feel guilty. If you’d like to write more about this, please do. This thread can continue.
anita
July 24, 2016 at 11:48 am #110422NinaParticipantThanks Anita! When I said my mom did her best, maybe your right, maybe she didn’t. For EX.(this has a lot to do with her meanness and this is just one of many examples..) I was never overweight but I always had a little bit of extra LBS because I was an emotional eater, food and books felt like the only thing I had and they made me feel good. My brother and sister started calling me a man and an elephant. And then if I did something to make her mad, she would start calling me an elephant too. But then she would say that it wasn’t because I was fat, but because I would walk around heavy-footed. Like WTF is that?? I needed a mother, not another person in my life to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. She knew how sensitive I was to this stuff and it felt vindictive. I felt there must be truth to it or else she wouldn’t be saying it. THis also helped me develop what I think is an inferiority complex and just never feeling good enough for anybody, even to this day. I prayed every day that may parents would just divorce already.. As said up above, it took them until I was 18 to finally do it. My dad had gone on a few drug binges and overdosed on coke when I was seventeen, he’s 6’1 and was less than 100 pounds. However he lied to everyone about it and said he got ticks in a hotel when he was working out of town….. it was really bizarre. He eventually went to the doctor because health wise, things were pretty bad. THe doctor called my mom, it was def coke. She stayed with him for another year and then one time I came home from work, and my mom was bawling on the phone to my uncle. I guess our washer btoke and she went to go use the credit card however that lead her finding out that all the savings(including education funds for us kids), RRSP’s and all the credit’s were maxed out and drained. That was it for them. I also recently did that math that what would be my parents anniversary is 7 months before my bro’s birthday. Hmmm, made me wonder. I asked my dad about it and he said that it was pretty much a shot gun wedding and he wasn’t sure if he was ever really in love with my mom. They stayed together but hated each other. Because I never saw what a healthy, loving relationship was, I really seem to struggle developing my own.
She is from another country with no family here and my dad threatened her with taking away us kids if she ever left him. We are some what close now but it’s still not a lot of emotional support, more physical support. I have always just chalked it up the the language of love thing? It sounded like her parents had a pretty strict household too.(I can’t tell if Im making up excuses or just trying to understand?) I don’t even know anymore and my brain is literally tired of trying to make sense of it. However, I know I need to resolve a lot of issues first before I can have a fulfilling relationship with anybody.
For the record, I did break things off with the BF. He was really mad and called me a lot of names and said I was the most selfish person he has ever met. Which I always thought I had the opposite problem, i was never selfish enough. he always used to tell me that all of his Ex-GF’s have cheated on him and I never even did ever. I never even thought of it. That actually really cut me to my core. And he said all I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I tried to explain to him that I am not feeling sorry for myself, but for the first time, am trying to work out and resolve some complex issues. You don’t know what you don’t know about yourself and I oftened wondered if my brain chemicals were a little out of wack due to suffering from depression during my growth years. I never used him for money, I always made sure that he felt that I cared about him and not what was in his wallet. i was looking for true love and I really thought I had it. I really thought I loved him but I guess it wasnt enough for him. The first few years of us being together, I really put my self out there for the first time because there was something about him that I just trusted. And then after moving in with him, is when i found everything out about the deciet. I had changed my life to be with him and then i found out everything after. EX. It was only a message but with my inferiority issues, it killed me. I found a bunch of messages from his ex about how when he was with me, he would wish that I was her (cue inferiority complex). Various forms of deceit carried on for a few years until something happened inside me where it was like I emotionally shut down too him. Have you ever heard of the INFJ door slam? Is it real? I don’t know. But it is the closest description I have to how I felt. I decided that he wasn’t going to hurt me anymore and that was the moment I was unable to be vulnerable with him anymore. It was a really weird feeling that washed over me. I put up my armor and my brain wasnt letting me take it down. I felt the same thing with my dad as a child. I wonder if he never bonded with me, apparently he went on a huge drug binge when I was two weeks old and my mom didnt even know if he was coming back.
Sorry that was a long one but holy moly it feels so good to put all of this out in the universe and out my heart and head.Have you ever taken the MBTI test? After taking the test several time, I keep getting the INFJ hence the Door Slam analogy above. The INFJ loves harmony and meaningful connections. Not being able to meet my own needs made me subconciously hate my self so much. I dont like putting too much weight on one thing, but having an INFJ personality helped me understand more about myself that I ever did. I am also an HSP which doesnt help…
How did you cope and move on with all this? I want to move on from the past and feel fulfilled in my life because I know it has so much potentional!! I am definitley growing every day but sometimes, when you get that hopeless feeling deep in your gut, it’s like you get a little stuck :s Did you also grow up in a dysfunctional family?
Thanks again!!
July 24, 2016 at 1:30 pm #110423NinaParticipantFor the record, I am not perfect either!I also don’t want to have a victim mentality because everyone takes lumps in life, it’s what it takes for you to grow and learn. I have become very defensive so I can come off as very, judgemental and passive agressive maybe? I love being friendly and putting out good vibes into the world but the second I sense any sort of hate on me, guard is up and the not-so-nice-nancy side of me can come out. I can also be an idealist at times so with that comes a lot of negative energy since the world we live in is less than ideal… Gaaaah, I picture just taking my hand down my throat(in a metaphorical sense of course haha) taking it deep down to my core and just pulling out this bag of negativity garbage. It’s natural, life is ying and yang, but my life is a bit more on the negative side… :S
July 24, 2016 at 3:04 pm #110432AnonymousGuestDear naturelover07:
It is impossible to be hurt and not suffer the consequences, to be hurt and not feel angry, and then, for the anger to not be expressed. When you are stabbed, you bleed. You can’t help but bleed, metaphorically and literally. So when you write that ” I have become very defensive so I can come off as very, judgmental and passive aggressive.”- is it a wonder? Could a person who was hurt, mistreated not suffer and not show the consequences of the mistreatment?
You wrote: “I picture just taking my hand down my throat(in a metaphorical sense of course haha) taking it deep down to my core and just pulling out this bag of negativity garbage.” This “bag of negativity garbage”- well that is what happens when you were hurt by your parents as often as you have- you are left with that bag of negative thoughts, feelings and experiences. You are not responsible for that bag being placed there, inside you.
Unfortunately, only you can get it out by the difficult, slow process of healing.
When your mother called you elephant, what is that? Parenting? No, it is nothing other than abuse. Offense. No wonder you are now defensive- it is a consequence of having been attacked by the person you trusted, needed, looked up to, for protection and comfort.
Yes, I grew up (or “grew in” more accurately) in a dysfunctional family, my mother mistreated me too.
I think it is a good thing you ended the relationship with your boyfriend. How can we know what a healthy relationship looks like, sounds like, feels like if we didn’t grow up with such? We know we were hurt as children but we don’t know, really know what happened until we heal and see into what was.
When we see what was, we also see what is.
Hope you do post again.
anita
July 24, 2016 at 8:03 pm #110448NinaParticipantYou’re Anita, yes healing is the key. I like how you used the term “grew in”. I have often felt emotionally stuck in the past so growing up isn’t always the most appropriate term. It feels as though I was emotionally stunted at one point? I don’t often look at pictures of my past because I can see that sadness in my eyes. During some research, I came upon a healing technique in which you carry around a picture of your childhood self. Often times growing up with dysfunctional support, children like ourselves didn’t get the validation and support that we deserved and so badly needed. So every time I experience a moment in life that I can feel my inner child in pain, I need to be there for that inner child and look at the picture and remember that i matter and deserve love as well! “I matter” has become a common mantra that I use. I used to drink a lot to numb the pain (addiction runs rampant in my family so that is another biological struggle that some self awareness has brought to light) but have worked on healthier habits such as yoga and meditation. I have worked hard on myself this past year but it hasn’t dissolved that “negativity bag of garbage” I was talking about.
It really is time and patience I suppose. I feel like i have so many answers but so much difficulty manifesting them?? My inner strength is there, showing its face in brief moments of time. But my weak ego overrides all. Inferiority complex again maybe. It’s almost paranoia!!Are you close with your parents now? It’s like this subconscious shame that I carry around in the pit of my belly all the time. Shame and unworthiness are my most prominent emotions. I have become very interested in spirituality and the universe as well. I love talking about that stuff to people but I find a lot of people more interested in practical matters and whats the most popular thing going on right now. I have found that as I continue to grow, I LOVE genuineness and it’s something that I often find myself looking for more and more each day. I don’t care what job you have, what car you drive, what you look like. If you are a genuine person, I dig that. If you have a different perspective and are willing to share space with my perspective, I love that so much. I love dogs too, they are my kindred spritits : ) I can make any dog putty in my hands hah I feel like my dream job would be to work at an animal sanctuary or a shelter. Even helping other people like me. Ive always loved the John Lennon quote where it is important to look for the helpers, always look for the helpers. With sensitive souls like ourselves, it’s so easy to get caught up in the negativity of everything. But there are always people helping. Like you Anita! I very much appreciate your perspective on this thread.July 24, 2016 at 8:25 pm #110450AnonymousGuestDear naturelover07:
Healing is something else! You asked am I close to my parents: my father, well, he visited after their divorce when I was 6 or so. He is now dead. My mother- I cut all contact with her in May 2013, last time I spoke to her on the phone. Never will have contact with her again. It was very difficult but necessary.
I read your last post but too tired to comment further this evening (going to bed next, after this post). I want to come back to your thread fresh tomorrow morning. If you are reading this before I am back, can you tell me if you attended psychotherapy or currently? What kind of therapy was it, what work was done, did it help you and how?
I attended therapy with my first competent, empathetic, hard working therapist in 2011. Quite incredible. CBT and Mindfulness. Very professional. That therapy jump started my healing.
Will be back in about ten hours, hoping to read more about your experience with therapy, if any. I will also re-read your latest post and reply then.
anita
July 25, 2016 at 6:56 am #110476AnonymousGuestDear naturelover07:
I re-read your posts. I use the term “grew in” instead of grew up because interactions with my mother/ others were painful, so instead of reaching out, I reached in, folded into myself; instead of growing, I shrunk, emotionally. You used the verb “Stunt” – same thing, for me, meaning: not growing up, but folding in. Introverted.
You wrote: “children like ourselves didn’t get the validation and support that we deserved and so badly needed.” True. I (and you) not only didn’t get validation and support but I was attacked, repeatedly, by my mother, verbally, physically. No one helped.
I like your inner child technique, your mantra I Matter, and you doing yoga and meditation.
You wrote: ” i have so many answers but so much difficulty manifesting them”- this is why I thing therapy with a competent, caring therapist will do a lot for you. Intellectually understanding problems and solutions is not enough. There has to be a growing emotional understanding (takes work and extreme patience and gentleness with yourself) and there have to be skills used (such as meditation/ mindfulness).
You wrote: “my weak ego overrides all. Inferiority complex again maybe. It’s almost paranoia!!”- what do you mean by that? What is a “weak ego”, the specifics of your inferiority complex and the “almost paranoia”? If you’d like to share, please do.
anita
July 26, 2016 at 5:46 pm #110618NinaParticipantAnita, I guess by weak ego I mean I tend to give in to certain unhealthy habits that I know aren’t good for me but give me that instant satisfaction, like an indulgence. Inferiority complex plays into that, that I am not good enough to do more, to go after more. And then those thoughts go round and round in my head after that, and I’m almost hard on myself to the point where I don’t trust myself (paranoia). Hopefully that makes sense?
I know what you mean about there needing to be growth there. I listened to a really good podcast that compared self awareness to self growth. Just because you are aware of your problems doesn’t mean you have completely healed and moved on from them, self awareness is the just the first step. Patience is something that I struggle with (hence the various indulgences, whether that be emotional indulgence of feeling sorry for myself or even food to temporarily make me feel a bit better). I think Im just tired of feeling this way so each day I’m ready to just be better.
I have tried therapy once before!! But I didn’t really connect with her. And it was expensive so I just kind of stopped going. I find i’m not as good with my words as I am on paper. I’ve almost found it more therapeutic to let it spill over the internet to just let it out. However I am almost stuck at the growth phase where daily there is just an empty pit at the bottom of stomach, like somethings missing. It’s really hard to ignore sometimes which gets me kind of bummed and then I almost feel agitated.
July 26, 2016 at 7:04 pm #110635365daysofkindnessParticipantHi Nina,
It really sounds like you are really ready for a change. I know letting go of something familiar may seem hard at first (even if it is a lying and cheating boyfriend) – but put quite simply, you only have one life to live.
It seems like you have had a rough go at it. Now is the time to take your future and future relationships into your hands and determine what you want your life to look like. As a child, you didn’t have the ability to leave your family situation. As a young adult, you found stability in someone for 7 years. But you recognize now that all these relationships were incredibly unhealthy and that you deserve more.
Don’t feel guilty for leaving a relationship that isn’t working for you. It’s an act of kindness for you both – this will also give him an opportunity to move on and take a chance at finding someone else (and hopefully learning from your relationship and not cheating on them.)
Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around. Use rock bottom as a way to build yourself up again. You’ve got this!
July 26, 2016 at 7:43 pm #110648AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
You being hard on yourself is a big problem in your efforts to heal. It is necessary, not optional, that you will be gentle with yourself, not hard, not tough. In your efforts to stop indulgences, ineffective habits, what works is gentleness with yourself.
For you to trust yourself, you need to be gentle with yourself. The inner child in you will respond to gentleness and will trust you if you are consistently gentle with her.
Notice how you talk to yourself, be aware of your self talk and change it, re-talk to yourself in a gentle way. Exhibit endless patience with yourself.
Part of you is that Freudian “superego” aka Inner Critic. In your case, and mine, it is an abusive inner critic, taking after real life critical, abusive parents. This part continues the abuse. Part of you is the Inner Child, the abused. Healing is about developing a third part that will take good care of the inner child, a part that will be gentle and patient with the child.
Your inner child needs a break from the harsh inner critic, so it takes its breaks, overeating, maybe. It needs a break. But if you become gentle with her, over time, she will trust you to be gentle, stop fearing you, and she will no longer be abused and no longer need to take those breaks.
Lots of psychotherapists are not competent, empathetic and/ or hard working. I met my first good therapist when I was fifty.
Hope you post more and more, since you find writing online helpful to you.
anita
July 29, 2016 at 9:41 pm #110933NinaParticipantThanks you guys!! Anita, I am so hard on myself!! I wasn’t a very happy child needless to say. In a round about way, I gave up my needs to try to make my parents happy. I figured that was a good way to make them love me. I mean, who wouldn’t love the perfect child? So i tried that for a couple years. But then it started to spill into the rest of my relationships to the point where I blurred the line between properly loving myself and loving/respecting people at the same time. I didn’t even know what love and respect was I don’t think, mostly since my idea of love was giving people what they want? And then I started to grow resentful of my parents and especially my siblings. They had no problem going after what they wanted and attempting to meet their needs. Its funny because looking back now, I thought they were selfish. I still think this way and it bothers me ALOT when my younger sister puts her above all else. Her primary concern is how popular she is, not necessarily the genuineness of the relationship. Maybe thats her way of coping with the effects of our childhood, but I thought she had it easy. She had a horse, was in another expensive sport that required her to travel. I wasn’t allowed to do any sports above local rec because it interfered with my brothers other travelling hockey league. It sounds petty but this was one of the many examples where I felt like the ugly duckling in the family and it emotionally told me that I didn’t matter. My parents never gave me a ride anywhere. If I had to go to school or hockey practice, I either needed to walk or take my bike. She drove me to my stupid babysitting jobs that I had but thats because I think she thought I wouldnt go haha. We didnt have alot of money either growing up but my brother always had to have the coolest clothes for school. My mom would take me to the consignment store to buy used clothes. If i wanted new clothes, i had to get a job and make money. It was many times like these where I eventually felt so sad and so broken that I gave up. I cant pinpoint when, but I gave up up on myself because I just wass’t worth it. Or so I thought. I think it was in these moments that I can relate to your “grew in” reference.
These buried feelings caused a lot of pain for me in my last relationship. My ex thinks im selfish but when he spent so long making me feel like I wasn’t enough and he needed to be in touch with another girl on the side, the shame that that brought up was so bad i couldn’t even face it and buried it deeper. I think thats why i stayed as long as i did. maybe it was selfish to stay. but he made me feel like we could make it work and he knew he had made mistakes and he was going to be the perfect boyfriend after to make up for it. And he was the perfect boyfriend. But the shame of just once again, not being good enough, it killed me again. I wanted to love him so badly but it felt like I was betraying myself. Now he is very hurt that i left. He said i walked out on him that and that by dating him for so long, I lead him on. Maybe i did? Subconciously but not intentionally. He gave me the attention and love that Ive always wanted. But that shame never went away. My friends are confused that we broke up to because they thought that we had worked things out and that we were good together. He was a great friend but is it so wrong to want somebody that hasn’t don’t something sneaky behind my back? Does that even exist anymore? My first real boyfriend at 18 also slept with my friend while we were together. Everyone knew except me so I felt so stupid when my friend finally drunkenly admitted one night what had happened. I am a very deep and sensitive person so nobody else quite understands why I struggle the way that i do.
I seriously have no idea what love is and how to love myself. I really need to heal that inner child but all my unresolved issues from my early years are really in high gear right now. I try my hardest to heal my inner child. But it’s shame that hurts. And its buried so deep that Im afraid of not being able to ever really connect with someone. I would really like to move on from the past but the more I look back on it, the more understand why the way that I am. I need to heal and right now it seems that going back to the past and looking at moments that really hurt, its almost like looking at it at a different perspective. I read somewhere that its important in moments of hurt, that I treat my inner child in a way that I would have wanted my parents to act in that moment of pain. Give it that love that i have longed for. But i don’t even know what that is?
Thanks again for all the responses Anita 🙂 It does feel good to have somewhere to write it out. And thanks http://www.365daysofkindness.com!! I have been to your website before and love the suggestions 🙂
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