Dear Poppy:

Trying to fix a parent, or trying to fix a relationship with a parent is a trap for the one trying to do the fixing. When you are a professional counselor, or psychotherapist, people come to you for help. They feel distress and want relief, believing, at the time or contacting you and showing up to sessions, that you can help them, at least, they are giving it a try. They value you, for a while, at the least (for as long as they show up and pay!), as one capable of helping them.

But this is not the situation with your mother, is it? You wrote that “She gets offended by my advice.” A client, or patient attending therapy and having confidence in the therapist will not be offended by the therapist’s input. In your original post here, you wrote that she told you: “you need to practice what you preach”- she has no confidence in you, as one to be able to help her. Then you “asked her if she wanted to talk to which she said no”- what kind of a psychotherapy session would it be with a client stating this?

And yet, you are trying to help her. You wrote: “I have tried to reason with her and explain she needs to talk with Dad..”-

Your mother may love you, whatever that means. Clearly what it does not mean, her love, is valuing your input, valuing you as a potential source of help to her (or to yourself!)-

When a person does not value you as a potential source of help- you can’t possibly help them.

But it gets even … crazier than this (and I have been there)- this is the illogical part:

in reality you need her help, you are trying to … make her be there for you, help you. You are the one chasing her for help, not the other way around.

So what do you do when she cries in front of you about something your father said or did? You say to yourself something like: my mother is feeling pain but she does not want my help. She doesn’t think of me, or values me as someone who can help her. She is crying because it makes her feel better. It relieves her tension.

And so, you understand what is going on, you let her cry. It makes her feel better.

anita

Dear Poppy

I understand your need to talk to her regarding these issues but I would suggest you do this at a time when your own side is completely sorted, meaning you don’t have to depend on her for a home or other things. Hypothetically you went and talked to her regarding the fight, what will be the outcome anyway? You will feel good that you asserted yourself but her reaction will be predictible. Rather focus on your priorities and areas of control for now. Build yourself. Then your words will have far greater weightage on her and she will see you less as a lost kid trying to lecture her.

She won’t change unless she wants to. You want hee to be supportive in your way and be nicer to your dad. The reality still remains that your suggestions have fallen on deaf years and have rather irritated her further irrespective of who is right or wrong.

You need to accept certain things here –

She won’t say kind words to you but she will help you in her own way when you have your set of problems. You want to help her too but she isn’t ready for your help and you feel worse as a result – unheard, invalidated.

The thing is – her problems are more about her.

I know it’s hard to see your mom cry.

I can’t bear to see mine cry either but sometimes I have to accept that her version of things are not similiar to mine. I have to let some things go – including times when she has arguments with dad for example. It’s their personal matter and I don’t interfere unless situation is extremely bad. I do feel bad but it’s better I maintain a distance from her problems and rather focus on mine instead. I will only intervene if it’s really required and bear her out calmly without any judgement. Letting her speak freely when she is angry has in fact been more helpful to her than me trying to offer her advice. If crying helps your mom, let her cry. Offer her a tissue, a cookie and get some tea.

You can’t fundamentally change who she is. Her rejection of your advice doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you in hee life or doesn’t consider you valuable. Its just that she still sees you as the little girl she has to fuss over, who needs her. This is the basic dynamic for her. When you start sounding like counsellor, she gets annoyed
Same with your elder sister.

The best thing to do now would be to keep your matters to yourself and only consult when required. Find people who are more willing to hear you out. We can’t have same intensity of understanding of expectations from every relationship. Over time when you are at a more stable juncture in your life, she will be more receptive perhaps.

You also need to find relationships where your needs and space are valued. Distance yourself from those where you feel like the person has seriously bad intentions towards you. This is the next big challenge alongside independance.

Please do check out the link if possible

Regards
Nina