June 3, 2013 at 1:08 pm #36410
Building relationships is the cornerstone of a prosperous life, community and society. It is through builiding and maintaining effective, lasting and mutually beneficial relationships that any endeavour becomes much more likely to produce desirable results.
The framework upon which any positive and lasting relationship is built begins with an understanding of our own conditioning in regards to our communication with others. Are you predisposed to certain biases or fundamental discriminations based on the immediate circumstances with which you are presented? The easiest to identify would be those related to race, creed or social stature. First and foremost you must understand that any preconceived notion of another person’s capacity to contribute or not contribute to your life begins in your mind and is based on inherited beliefs, on old conditioning which most likely no longer serves you. As a tool to combat any bias or to overcome this conditioning, consider this poignant quote;
“The opportunity for brotherhood presents itself every time you meet a human being.”
If you clear away the conditioning and regard each and every new person you meet as a vessel to unknown potential greatness through the exchange of ideas and collaborative efforts, then you are poised to maximize the relationship for mutual benefit right from the start.
This conscious awareness of the immediate opportunity must be followed with a commitment to grow your capacity as an effective communicator. Webster’s defines effective as ‘in a condition to produce desired results; efficient, powerful’ while defining communication as ‘a means of passing information from one place to another; a connecting passage.
That initial connection and the continued development of your relationship is dependent on your willingness and open-mindedness to develop a connecting passage between yourself and this other individual to openly transfer images, thoughts and creative ideas in an efficient and powerful manner with as little hindrance or interruption as possible. You must choose to be consciously aware of your intent, to be honest and willing, and embrace your capacity for effective communication. It is through effective communication that any relationship is nurtured to grow to its full potential.
Effective Communication can be best achieved through the following principles;
Breaking the Indifference or Preoccupation Barrier;
Creating an atmosphere of ease to encourage expression;
Identifying the most important questions on the other person’s mind;
Using Intelligent Questions;
Building Trust through emotional mirroring;
Deep empathic listening focused on what someone means rather than just what they say;
These particular principles may seem daunting at first and you may be wondering; how can I accomplish this? You may be communicating an idea clearly through words and gestures from your conscious mind, clearly enough that you expect the other person to understand fully. You may say to yourself ‘I used logical examples and made complete sense’, and yet there may be a look of bewilderment or some sort of emotional conflict and you are asking yourself ‘What do I do now? I communicated clearly and effectively’. Well, it begins with understanding the vibrational quality of your thoughts, particularly on the subconscious level. What many people have difficulty identifying is this emotional energy that is exchanged beneath the level of words and gestures, on an emotional level you are communicating a vibratory freuency based on your dominant state of mind and your level of emotional commitment to a concept. If your words, gestures and illustrations are not in harmony with your emotional quality on the subconscious level, a sort of discord occurs; the flow of thoughts and energy are disrupted and distorted and clarity can be lost or abandoned.
We would like to suggest that you play a game with the next person you meet. Choose a topic, an idea you are passionate about, something which you can barely contain yourself in regards to talking about. We suggest that, with the next person you meet, engage them in a conversation about this passion of yours by asking questions. Try to maintain the intensity of the conversation purely through emotional vibration while allowing the other person to carry on with most of the dialogue. Commit to listening and encouraging the other person to continue sharing. Experience the words and ideas beneath them on a new level. Make this person understand your commitment to listen to them. Imbue your passion for the topic without judging their perspective or even offering your own unless asked. If you are asked, share a positive reflection to lead back to listening to their perspective. Choose trigger words that will almost ‘cue’ the other person’s emotional commitment to increase. Watch their passion grow and witness the power of vibration and the subconscious mind’s emotional commitment at work. It will be truly amazing.
Once you have had this experience you are poised to to communicate more effectively as you will have become more consciously aware of the flow of energies and thoughts between yourself and others on a brand new, subconscious level. This is fundamental to your growth as an effective communicator and needs to be practiced regularly in order to remove any of the old conditioning that may bleed into your new found capacity for relationship building. These old conditions, these inherited belief structures, no longer serve your higher purpose yet will still make their way into your mind at times. These conditions may be, but are not limited to;
Past experience and knowledge;
Ambiguous words, jargon or complicated phrasing;
Personal prejudice or self-interest;
Social status or assumed authority;
Your speed of thought vs your speed or speaking;
Making assumptions or passing judgement;
Discord between your emotional state and your words or actions;
Identify your conditions and how they affect your technique in building relationships. Each of the above hindrances can usually be overcome with a repeated affirmation of your commitment to being willing, open-minded and honest with others and yourself, of your commitment to not provide your point of view until told that you completely understand the other person and of your commitment to your values determining your attitude rather than allowing circumstance to determine your mood. This clarity provides you the opportunity to make more poignant and mutually beneficial decisions much more quickly and effectively.
Through this process, we hope you broaden your awareness that it is in our interactions with others that our highest form of learning takes place; learning about people, thought, life and yourself.
Create some Fire and Pass the Torch,
The Kanary Team
http://www.johnkanary.comJune 4, 2013 at 4:33 am #36429LynnParticipant
Yes, I understand most of the principles of effective communication except emotional mirroring. Can you explain that?
I can also relate to the “conditions” you discuss that affect good communication. For example when I try to engage in a conversation with someone I’ve just met I am nervous and uncomfortable and I start stumbling over my words. I know sometimes people just lose interest. How can I resolve the conflict between my emotional state and my words or actions?June 4, 2013 at 6:06 am #36431
Emotional mirroring is when you attempt to resolve the conflict by way of interpreting the other person’s emotions and reflecting them back to them as a way of showing understanding on a deeper level. It’s a matter of empathy; reflecting their emotional state by truly feeling it in your own subconscious mind. It takes a great deal of practice as it requires removing personal agendas and motivations and truly adopting a compassionate stance of deep, empathic engagement. It isn’t something that can be achieved without habitual practice.
The disomfort and stumbling are a sort of self-consciousness where you are focused more on the response from the other person that hasn’t even been provided yet. Try absolving this fear first by recognizing it (which you have done) and then committing to listening as openly and objectively as possible without formulating a response while you listen. Many of us are guilty of this; thinking of what we would like to say while another person is speaking or exploring our own emotional response. This is what you should try to avoid. Focus on the words the other person is using, what those words signify to them, engage in the conversation by more than just allowing the other person to speak but by inviting them to extrapolate and broaden their ideas with your words and gestures. Use your role in the conversation only to provoke the other person to build on what they are saying. Use this as a tool to break down your ego and your self-conscious fear of their response as it is your ego that is enforcing this fear, your self-preservational instinct that desires to ‘fit it’ and be accepted.
Take some time to explore the notion that rejection or dismissal by another person is far from a negative moment; it is an opportunity to learn. To learn about others, self and the society in which we live. These moments are where the truest form of opportunity reveals itself by revealing our character to our self. You are poised to test what it is you are truly made of. This is a lot of the cause of the fear you feel in these moments; the looming challenge of observing self and being placed in a position to grow. As we grow older and our conditioning galvanizes, being put in a position outside of our comfort zone invokes fear, maybe even panic. Know this; fear is only a response to danger and/or the unknown. It is NOT a real, tangible element of our world but a construct of our mind and a primative construct at that. When you feel fear, know that it is only a chemical response over which you have control. Allow the emotion of fear to transfer into a motivation to change. Eventually this process will become fluid and graceful. It’s all about being consciously aware and choosing to see the opportunity in each trouble, the potential in every crisis and the growth available in what may seem like failure or rejection.June 5, 2013 at 6:04 am #36488LynnParticipant
Thank you for your reply. You are right, my nervousness and stumbling are due to self-conscious fear of rejection. The fact that I even make the effort to talk to people is growth for me. However, after any type of verbal communication with people I analyze and nit-pick every word until I am totally defeated. I know this is my issue and that I am way to self absorbed but I also feel that people can feel my fear. I understand the concept of “faking it to make it” or “practice makes perfect” but in the meantime don’t people still feel my fear?June 6, 2013 at 5:34 pm #36534
Yes. That is where you are ahead of the game; being aware that your subconscious alignment creates a vibration that others can feel. If your dominant subconscious state is not aligned with your conscious mind and the words and gestures you are using, there will be a communincation dysfunction.