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Resistence to the Light

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  • #92346
    Glo
    Participant

    Hi All. I am looking for some guidance and wisdom as I am truly dedicated to working through what I am here to talk about. I am a 34 year old woman who has struggled with depression, anxiety, negativity….la, la, la… also labeled as bi-polar. Within the past year I have become the most stable and happy I have ever been, yes with the help of medication, but also mindfulness and just a dedication to being an active participant in my own evolution. I have been single most my life and finally manifested the most wonderful man. I can truly say this man is the man of my dreams. He is all the things I have asked the Universe for and it blows me away sometimes how precisely he is just this. Love is all I have ever wanted. I recognize the importance of balance and attention to all the parts of my life. But loving feels like the thing I was born to do.

    About a week ago my boyfriend got some scary medical news about the possibility of the C word. It cast a bit of a cloud for me. He has become VERY positive. He is surviving and its really amazing to watch him immerse himself in any form of positive thought, action, love he can. But I can feel a part of me, the negative addicted part, resist this. This part of me is threatened, ” don’t you dare take my safe and cozy, sad, dark, gloomy negative space away from me” she says. And I hate her. I guess maybe I should love her, have compassion for her. Regardless, she is showing her little head and I am petrified she will sabotage this relationship and if not that take precious time from me with him for all the thought she invokes in me. Every time I say something negative or feel like I am not at his level of positivity and therefore not being supportive, I am beating myself up and therefore exuding bad energy towards him. I’m exhausted by my own brain, and this isn’t new. But I have more to lose now.

    Yesterday we were having a fun night. Giggling, playful and cheerful. A comment was made and he said something that made me feel like I was being negative. I felt called out. He asked what was wrong. I said, ” I am struggling with you being so happy and its fucked up”. I feel so guilty for saying this. He is happy! Why would I begrudge him that? I’m clearly jealous. But that is even selfish…. ugh… can anybody offer me some words of peace so that I can move on and work to be with him in this path of positivity instead of resistance, because THAT is where my TRUE self wants to be. And I know that.

    #92356
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Glo:

    You were on the path of healing, evolving, and I believe that because you wrote: “Loving feels like the thing I was born to do.”

    Then you got triggered by the scare and you walked off the path and got more scared for being off the path that means everything to you.

    You got scared, I believe, and you found a sort of safety in preparing yourself for the worst, so the worst doesn’t catch you by surprise. In being prepared for the worst the old way, you lost the path. For a short time.

    To go back on the path, use the current distress as an opportunity for further healing… for relaxing into the understanding of what is real and what you have to endure… and believing you can endure.

    Once you engage in healing your current distress you are, at the point of such engagement, you will be back on the path.

    Post more, if you’d like.

    anita

    #92359
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Glo,

    The advice from Anita is good. I’d like to say a little more. The first thing, and perhaps the most important, to address your initial problem, something I learned only a few days ago, is to send love to those negative thoughts when they come, love them. They talk about sending love in response to hate because it “casteth out all darkness”, the same law applies within yourself too. You just have to try to catch it as soon as you can and respond with love, then stay in love mode as best you can, no need for any analysis of the negative thought, don’t try to get rid of it, that is just resistance resisting resistance, and what do you get- more resistance, so just love.

    Another thing I’d like to say is they say that the universe burdens you only with what you can handle. It sounds like you did very well digging yourself out of the hole you were in. Well, now the universe has given you another opportunity to lift yourself even further into the light. I’m noticing this happen in my life frequently lately, as you grow you will often be faced with more ‘bad’ stuff in order to bring you to even deeper letting go. It’s natural to fall and to then beat yourself up (because the ego sees the progress you’ve made so how can you fall now!), just send love to that too. Also, it happens that the bitterness towards yourself from beating yourself up can be so intense that you end up firing it outwards towards others like when you said you seemed to be jealous of his attitude. Congratulations for being so open and honest for saying how you felt, I don’t think that’s something to regret, I’m sure if your boyfriend has the strength to be positive at this difficult time then he will be able to help you grow too. It all seems perfect from where I am (forgive me for saying so, I have no idea how difficult it must be). What I mean is that, I can see the perfection in all of it. Him coming to you at a point when you were ready to let more love into your life and to be more loving. It seems to me that the darkness is always given as a gift, which holds the potential to bring you to a place of more light, more love, more joy, if you would embrace it’s challenge. You have again been given this challenge.

    Lastly, I would say do not condemn the cancer, because it’s part of his path. It sounds like it could be the catalyst for extraordinary growth for him, not to mention for you too. Just like you said, loving is what you are here to do, you are being called now to bring it to a higher level.

    Best wishes,

    Ben.

    #92583
    Glo
    Participant

    Wow. First and foremost, thank you both for the time you took to read my post and pull from your energy to respond to mine. I am grateful. The idea of honoring and loving my thoughts as they come, whether welcome or not, has been a theme more than just recently and I think it is time to take this approach.

    I would agree with you Ben. I see this, no matter the outcome, as an opportunity for growth for both of us. I see him growing and it blows me away. I know i will grow from this too. I am floored by the opportunity to search for peace in chaos. Sometimes you need an awakening, even if it feels unpleasant. I know this will take us to a heightened level of awareness and being and its a blessing.

    Again, thank you both!

    Glo

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