Dear sunshinegirl80:

On the first night of the week of the wedding, ten years after you saw him last, you were physically intimate with him, but there was no talk between the two of you about a possible relationship. No talk during that week or the two months since, only “likes” on social media. In a week you will see him. You want to talk with him the possibility of a relationship, of getting to know each other better.

* I didn’t understand the relevance of the two of you living in separate towns, separated by province?

You are looking for advice about how to maintain calm about approaching him, how not to be anxious, correct?

My advice is that you visualize/ imagine now (before traveling)  seeing him, see yourself taking the steps to get his attention and talk to him about your interest. Then see him, in your imagination, saying that he is not interested. Hear him say that he is involved with another woman, or that he lives too far from you, or see him look awkward and speechless and never answer you the whole time you are there. Imagine all the failure options, all the no-go results.

Imagine those different options and take deep breaths as you do. Repeat to yourself that you are okay with each and every option, that although this is not what you want, you are at peace with it. Whenever you feel anxious, imagine one of those no-go options. Prepare yourself mentally, this way.

Once you are there, do what you imagined doing so many times before (you are practiced and prepared at this point), and execute the plan.

If it is a no-go, you are prepared. If it is a go, you are pleasantly surprised.

The reason I think it is better to take this pessimistic approach (preparing for a no-go) is because there is no indication that he is interested in a relationship. The fact that he is active on your social media is not evidence of his interest in a relationship. He may be simply friendly, and he may hope for more physical intimacy without a relationship. I don’t know.

Post again, if you’d like.

anita

Dear sunshinegirl80:

You are welcome. You wrote that you have no expectations at all, so that is not where your anxiety is, correct?

Your anxiety is about “being in the group setting”- what about being in the group setting makes you anxious?

anita

Dear sunshinegirl80:

You wish you could just “be yourself” but it is “easier said than done” because of the “emotions thing”, you wrote.

It is tough to feel uncomfortable, anxious or otherwise distressed, as you expect to feel in the group setting where he will be present. Is it that your friends in that setting know about the night you spent with him and you are embarrassed about it (I am not clear about what is distressing you, specifically)?

When you find yourself feeling distressed, for whatever reason, try to peel off the distress-on-top-of-distress that follows thoughts like: “I shouldn’t feel this way? What if they see how uncomfortable I feel? What are they thinking of me?  Instead, accept best you can that you feel the way you do, keep yourself as calm as possible, and function sensibly best you can regardless of the discomfort.

Reads to me that your expectations are realistically low, since you told him not long ago that you would love (a strong verb) to talk again, and he didn’t reach out since. And you clearly are not interested in physical intimacy without a relationship.

Post again, anytime, with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear sunshinegirl80:

I like your idea very much and better do it sooner than later. I would send him a short enough, simple, direct message, casual tone. You can ask him for his thoughts/ feelings, whatever you choose. Then he can answer you in an email or in person. It is better than if he is unprepared and surprised, in person.

Sending him an online message gives him the opportunity to think before answering, then to type an answer and edit it. He can do so in his home, comfortable. Or if he doesn’t feel comfortable online, he can choose to talk to you in person.

anita