June 9, 2016 at 12:07 pm #106813ZeekisterParticipant
So I recently met someone I really connected with. We became friends but it really quickly escalated into developing feelings for each other. Since she is in a committed relationship I cut off contact when I realized the relationship was no longer platonic because I felt that was the healthier choice.
Having had some space however I feel I may have over reacted and needlessly hurt a friend and myself in the process. We were both going through turbulent times and I’m sure that put us in a place where we were emotionally vulnerable. If we had both been happy, the friendship would probably have stayed a friendship.
So I guess what I’m asking is, would you guys have done the same thing? Or tried to save the friendship by setting boundaries?
Thanks and love,
KZJune 9, 2016 at 4:02 pm #106824Rock BananaParticipant
Well I’m not sure these things are necessarily final, there’s probably places you could move there. The real question is what kind of relationship you want to have with this person, there’s not really a “rule” in the social world about these sorts of things. Your intent was great (making “the healthier choice”). As for being emotionally turbulent, what could you do to be more happy? Maybe focus on that for a while.June 9, 2016 at 7:40 pm #106830TerkattParticipant
I have recently been through the same situation so I can share my experience with you. Maybe you’ll find it helpful for yourself.
When I clearly noticed that my feelings stood in the way of our friendship, I just told her about it. It was hard, it was awkward for both of us and I’m not going to say I did it in the best possible way, but the thing is that I did it and she shown her understanding.
We stopped being friends for at least a few months. Nevertheless, it was a good mental exercise for me to go to college group meetings which she also attended and see her around others – sometimes it hurt, but it also stimulated me to let go of my attachment to her. From her demeanor I could see that she wasn’t hostile to me, but respected my desire to stay aside.
At the same time, I started looking for more hobbies and new friends. It definitely helped a lot. Some months later, we started talking again – this time much more cautiously, but showing a genuine friendly interest in each other. Over time, I’d say that I was able to replace my need for her with other people and things, and also to learn more about spirituality and psychology. This is not to say that my feelings are totally gone. I don’t even think that I’ll ever stop liking her just for being the nice person she is – that’s not the purpose, however, I’m slowly becoming more comfortable in her presence and accepting of the fact that she has her own social circle (and an intimate relationship, of course).
We are far from being close friends now – simply because there has been too much to forget about it so quickly, but we got to the point when we can maintain a certain level of friendship with hugs.
I hope my story will be useful to you. Another thing I’d like to recommend to you is total acceptance of your pain. Whenever your memories or hurtful feelings resurface, take it as suffering needed to reprogram your brain towards the detachment. It can take months, but courage and honesty will eventually help you out (and make you stronger!)
Hope this helps,
Best of luck!June 11, 2016 at 7:52 am #106927ZeekisterParticipant
Thank you Terkatt and Rock Banana for your replies!! I’m sorry it took me a while to reply but I have been thinking about you both said.
RB I think the emotional turbulence is situational. I’m going through a bit of a transitional period in my life where I’ve been making decisions I’m passionate about but haven’t had a lot of support from friends or family. So I guess I was just trying to cling to whatever support I have no matter what guise (friends or more) it comes in I guess? I’ve realized that now and maybe I need to let go of her as a source of support and either look elsewhere or accept that I’m just going to have to do this on my own.
Terkatt- Thank you so much for sharing your story! It does mean a lot. I’m really glad you could get closer to a place where you were able to appreciate her for who she was with without any expectations. I think that is also what I need to be working towards!
Lots of love to you both for taking out the time to reply!