Thanks Anita

Yes I guess at times I’m difficult. I expect a lot but especially I hold people to their word. He didn’t come through on many things and he is also very difficult. And yes easily triggered. I don’t know what the payoff will be. when we are not angry we get along so good. But he can literally in a second make me feel so small and I suppose if I didn’t take it as anything personal I would fare better, but at the core how can u treat someone you love that way? I’ve been thinking a lot and I just think I have to let go. I know in time it will get easier. I just have to find a support group because it’s hard alone.

Well there was a turn tonight. He text me and said that he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I tried to reply “ok” and let it go, knowing full well if I said anything at all it would be chaos. But of course I then open my mouth. I wasn’t angry, I didn’t use foul language or say mean and horrible things. Which USUALLY I would go off the deep end saying your this and that and f u and this and that ect. I absolutely kept my cool. Of course I was upset though. I spent almost 2 hrs back n forth with him trying to figure out why he led me on to only now pull the plug. Of course he said he didn’t lead me on. I screenshot his text where he said we are working at a relationship but taking it slow. Well I can’t change his mind and why should I try to. I’m seriously damaged. He has done so much shitty stuff to me, physically abused me, cheated on me, broke my property. But right now he’s hung up on the fact that I called him out the last day we fought. I spilled a secret in front of the person we were fighting in front of. Because right before that he had physically attacked me and I was just at my end. I just couldn’t take his abuse and I “retaliated” I knew the second I said it I wanted to take it back. And he feels he can’t ever trust me now because of that. We are all different ppl with different tolerance and I choose to forgive him knowing the things he did to me were out of anger and not intentional. Not that there’s any excuse, but in the end it feels so unfair. I told him he isn’t giving me the chance to show him how I’m progressing. But this is his typical behavior. I confront him with facts and truth and he does not give a response. He got crueler and crueler by the text and I finally called and said why are you being exactly the person you claim I have been (angry person) and not looking at the now instead of the past? Especially after you said you forgave for it all and now he brings it up and throws it in my face. And his response is that’s what I did to him. So I say again ok so then how is it ok for you to be like that now? That doesn’t solve it and essentially he has the problem then not me. He always has touted and I mean touted not just to me but everybody how he is a “fair man” and his famous line is “present me with a logical argument and I will have no choice but to respond”. And when the shit hits the fan he is non of that. So I’m glad he called it off. I’m sad too. I stupidly still love and believe in him. Unlike him I know and believe he has a possible illness. I try to be compassionate, but he doesn’t show the same. And I admit I have a problem and am even seeking out help. Well in the end I know I will be better. And once I am better I will look back and know that the end of us was the best part of us. Even as hard as it is to face right now. Thank you for reading 🙂

Hello

I have another update. It gets bad before better. I called him after two days silence. (Tue night) I made it worse because I tried to plead for him to help me understand since it didn’t make sense. In the end I asked him haven’t you noticed the progress I made? He said yes. Then I asked him do you still love me. And he said yes. Well I was so angry I just said thank you and hung up. As if to say I proved my point bye. And then I felt like an ass for that. And I started to see and realize a bit what he says about me that’s wrong. And then tonight I decided what I needed to do. I wrote him a thank you letter. As I wrote it I realized all the things he has done for me and how ungrateful and selfish I must have been. I concentrated on the thank you, and apologizing for the wrong that I did and caused. I didn’t say anything about what he did wrong or expecting him to do the same in return. I didn’t criticize or blame him at all. In an effort to truly heal myself and be able to move forward is why I did this. It was the right thing to do. And it opened my eyes a lot. I know now that no matter what I change about myself, it isn’t likely he will follow suit. And that we can still love each other and not be together. That was the hardest part for me to accept. Going forward I have an even better understanding of what I need to accomplish for self improvement and growth. And I know (always have) that after I am healed and a better person, that he won’t be relevant to my life anymore. I will outgrow him. I have a business I am trying to grow and I need to focus on that and accomplish my goals for me. I never understood how that worked. You know like in the movies when couples split up cuz their like my path is different and goals are different. To me it was always illogical. Like you love each other why can’t you get a job in the town she does or whatever the example is. But until it happens to you it isn’t that simple. I feel better. A wieght lifted. Now I only hope I can go forward and be strong.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by janet.