Sassy,

Old habits die hard, as is sometimes said. Consider that you spent a long time concerned about what he thinks and feels, and he showed up at your home, your class, and the habit of caring what he thinks was rekindled. Its no wonder fear disrupted your smooth and clear ringing words and teaching… you had a thorn in the class!

This would probably come up if one of your teachers from highschool or one of your parents took a class from you. It can be difficult to shift those roles, and even as we become their teacher, still wish to reach out to them and be graded on our work. I admire your willingness to have him in the class, it wouldn’t have surprised me if you booted his butt right out!

In addition to resiting the urge to get his interpretations (as Mark said, stay away from email for awhile might help), consider spending time detaching from his view with grace. Said differently, “No matter what you see, think, and feel, I wish you light and joy upon the road you walk. May we be free from the karma that remains between us.”

If, (and be honest with yourself), you do feel romantic or sexual yearning rekindle, Mark’s advice on making a list of displeasing qualities will help a lot. Also, if it feels like sensual allure, such as his body’s shape and form causing tingling desire, consider envisioning and contemplating the other half, the sensually displeasing such as his farts, poop smells, body odor, and bacteria in his saliva and so forth. Buddha taught that contemplating diseased, dead and dying bodies helps to remove the lustful yearnings of monks. No need to go to such extremes, but the erosion of “he keeps popping into my head” or “my body wants him” could be helped by similar practices as needed.

Finally, I am so excited for you! Your awareness of mind and feeling is amazing, and being able to work with these things with detachment is tough, and you’re doing stellar! Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

Oy Vey indeed! Sexual chemistry is definitely important in most relationships, and often times is falsely attributed to “just how we are”. Consider for a moment that perhaps the ex didn’t care that much about you and your needs, so when he would get horny, perhaps he just came at you with his own need. Ironically, this really revs the motor in many women, because the potency, the confidence, just being taken… inspires a deep and feral passion.

However, because the emotional component was absent, it was perhaps more like candy than connection, nourishment, union. With the new boyfriend, perhaps that energy is there, but because he has concerns for your feelings, wishes, and desires, he holds back. As trust builds in the relationship, he will feel safer, you will feel safer, expressing those needs and desires verbally, emotionally, and physically. That’s when sex goes from “ohh yeah, loins are happy” to “thankyouthankyouthankyou”, because the pleasure is surrounded with the warmth of being home. 🙂

So drop the ex, sheesh! Greener fields await, dear sister. Consider that if we want to rid our craving for sweets, it is sometimes helpful to consider what eating candy actually did to us, rather than thinking about the taste. For instance, think about what the ex actually gave you, what that sex brought with it in your mind and heart, and perhaps the craving will erode. 🙂

Perhaps that would also help you feel more comfortable and invested in bringing the sassy, which might be just what your current boyfriend needs to feel OK expressing that. I actually brought this idea up to my wife, when I saw my energy holding back. “I feel sometimes I could just take control of you, squeeze and fill and consume you, but I wish to honor your heart and body and desire.” She responded by pouncing on me, actually, but the sentiment of “its more than OK, my love, I yearn for that aspect of you”. It has to feel safe on both sides, however, so the emotional connection remains alive, trusted.

With warmth,
Matt