Dear XenopusTex:

Will be waiting for news about the next lunch date, I hope and I can definitely sense how busy you are!

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

I am impressed that you took on my suggestion to argue for and against a relationship.

My comments on your arguments and text above in no particular order, correct me where I am wrong:

1. “Just not sure why the no component is so strong.” It is strong because of your fear of being hurt and stuck in hurtful, distressing relationship dynamics.

2. “Kind of embarrassed by the realization that the position is likely rooted in fear.”- embarrassed to be affected by the most powerful force there is, fear? It is the most powerful force in nature- all animals react to fear first. Danger or the perception of danger is attended to first by each and every animal. Why would you be different?

3. “One of my problems throughout life has been a focus on the bad stuff and not so much the good.” Everyone, other animals too, focus n the bad, that is on danger. Like I typed above, danger is attended to FIRST by every animal. The reason? Survival. An animal attends to danger first, every single time, before it avails itself to feeding and mating and of course, just relaxing.

4. ” I let fear control me for this long?” The great majority of people are significantly limited by fear. And so have you.

5. “38, soon to be 39, and afraid of something as simple as being with someone” This is so because you remember how painful it was to be with your grandfather/ other adults in your young life. Emotionally, you remember very well.

6. “still working on killing off that “no” voice.” Don’t try to kill it because it will not die. The no will have to be dealt with by you being selective as to who you get in a relationship with, by you being attentive to who it is you are dealing with. You need to trust yourself to correctly evaluate others so to avoid those who will hurt you.

7. ” The “no” is more emotional based than logic based.” The “no” is emotionally and logically based. Both.

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Regarding the list of “Arguments against relationships:
1) getting burned- emotionally, financially, etc.”- not if you evaluate the person correctly, over time.
“2) takes time away from other things”- not a problem if it takes away from over-work and distractions.
“3) could lead to a repeat of the issues found in family”- not if you evaluate the person correctly.

Regarding the “Arguments for relationships”- fit my thinking with my comment to the right of each one: “if you evaluate the person correctly.”

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

I will take on the comparison between zeroing in a rifle and selecting a woman for a relationship best I understand it: your brain is like your rifle; your rational and emotional intelligence is like the bullet, the firing power. Holding the rifle steadily is the calmness you need when evaluating a woman, you take your time and not rush it. You focus on the target as you focus on the woman.

The zeroing in process with a rifle takes less than a minute or otherwise a very short time. On the other hand, evaluating a woman will take months. When you are about to shoot a rabbit for food, you don’t pet it first and give it a name, spending time with it and getting attached to it. In a similar way, you don’t get overly attached to a woman before you evaluate her. (This is a mistake many make and once attached, their … focus is off, their sight is clouded with old needs, old fears, wishful thinking and dysfunction).

All the questions you listed in your second paragraph above are parts of the months long evaluation process. You only had lunch with her once, this is too short of a time. It is just enough time for you to come up with all these questions (good job!) and so you started the process of evaluation, comparable to a second of two of handling the rifle, just bringing it toward a position toward zeroing, the beginning.

You ask these questions, one at a time and listen for her answers. You learn who she is, how she thinks, how she behaves in different situations (you saw her so far in two situations: at lunch where she was bright eyed and bushy tailed and at work when she looked stressed), over time.

How am I doing with the comparison so far and is it helpful?

anita