Ananya,

When we blow up with anger, its good to look for forgiveness. From him, as you apologize for your unskillful actions. More important, it is critical to forgive yourself. When we feel ashamed and icky for our actions, it is difficult to untangle whatever brought about the outburst. We falsely say “I am just bad, and do bad things like get angry”. This is simply not true. We all make mistakes, looking in many directions for peace and joy. What happens on your side, in your mind and heart that is so painful? Do you still feel resentment for the way you were treated in the past? Have you forgiven your abusers?

Buddha taught that anger is like a hot ember we grab onto with the intention of hurling it at others, but it is our hand which burns. Said differently, sometimes we feel holding on to anger from the way we were treated in the past is something which the offenders deserve. “They deserve my wrath, they were assholes.” The truth is that our body does not like feeling anger, it is corrosive, painful. So we forgive ourselves and others for our own freedom, our own peace. It has nothing to do with them.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Ananya

I can understand were you are coming from, I was married too and my ex husband cheated on me, he was an alcoholic, I use to fear him so much I would barricade the door with furniture to keep him away at night. We have been divorced for 15yrs and I still carry this scars with me until today, I have dated other guys after my divorce, I also have this fear in me that I want to control the relationship, My last relationship has just ended after 5yrs together, im very hurt, but I guess we blame ourselves sometimes too much when things don’t work out, there must be some reasons for you to feel distrustful of your Boyfriend?

I would blame myself too, but when there is trust issues its not easy to feel free in a relationship. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you have ask him for forgiveness, and want to make things better, I feel maybe it will be good for you to have some counseling as its not easy to get rid of these feelings on our own, some scars run too deep.
When I was with my ex we use to fight a lot, I felt very insecure, small things will bring on a big arguments and I would say some very harsh words to him too, which later on I would regret, mostly these things happen cause my ex was hiding stuff from me, he was somehow secretive, and this would bring back all those negative feelings from my past.
I feel this is what is happening to u, you feel betrayed when you boyfriend is not open with you, it brings on all sorts of feelings of anger and rejections.

Please try and focus on yourself for a few days and give both of you some space, right now you are hurting cause you want your relationship to be as it was before the argument, give it a few days and have a heart to heart conversation with him, explain yourself and ask him for his help so you can slowly overcome those negative feelings, from what you say he sounds like a kind person, if he truly loves u he will understand and give you the help you need.

Remember God is never angry with us even when we are angry with God, for God loves us no matter how messed up we are, we seek His forgiveness and he forgives us, God never holds grudges and is always merciful, keep praying and God will guide you.

Have a nice day sis

Bernie.