September 27, 2013 at 7:53 pm #42923
I am a 36 yr old woman, who was dating a 39 yr old guy…I am divorced, while his case is still in the courts. Recently we had a terrible fight…okay he too was at fult..but I have told him such harsh and painful words…to the extent of cursing him. I feel miserable and sorry for that. I have been doing it since quite few months now…and repent doing it afterwards.He too is hurt…even had to visit a hospital for heart and BP issues. I seek his forgiveness…and want the relationship to work…I want just one last chance……how can I?September 28, 2013 at 10:20 am #42933MattParticipant
When we blow up with anger, its good to look for forgiveness. From him, as you apologize for your unskillful actions. More important, it is critical to forgive yourself. When we feel ashamed and icky for our actions, it is difficult to untangle whatever brought about the outburst. We falsely say “I am just bad, and do bad things like get angry”. This is simply not true. We all make mistakes, looking in many directions for peace and joy. What happens on your side, in your mind and heart that is so painful? Do you still feel resentment for the way you were treated in the past? Have you forgiven your abusers?
Buddha taught that anger is like a hot ember we grab onto with the intention of hurling it at others, but it is our hand which burns. Said differently, sometimes we feel holding on to anger from the way we were treated in the past is something which the offenders deserve. “They deserve my wrath, they were assholes.” The truth is that our body does not like feeling anger, it is corrosive, painful. So we forgive ourselves and others for our own freedom, our own peace. It has nothing to do with them.
MattSeptember 28, 2013 at 8:23 pm #42942
I know my feelings behind such outrage. My ex-husband used to lie to me often and cheated on me repeatedly…for 7 long years to be specific…so trust is something which doesn’t come that easily to me…I am insecure..I doubt..and I fear that I will be cheated again. I know this mindset needs to be changed, but don’t know how. The present guy in my life has done his bit…to be fair to him…he has been patient with me for 10 months now. But this time he says he is very badly hurt. He hides his interactions with other women…which are generally telephonic conversations..and I am sure there is nothing much there. He says I am always filled with so much fear about how you will take it that I try to hide any information which is of no relevance to us as a couple or our relationship….had you given me that trust and ease I would have opened up.
I agree I need to forgive my self….but I want that he too should forgive me 🙂 I love him immensely and know that on shouting at him like this I am at fault. I want to impove and make this relationship work..start afresh..with all my energy..and faith in God.
I did seek an apology..he said it’s okay and he will not bring the topic up ever again (see how nice he is). But he says he is immensely hurt and whenever I speak to him…he gets reminded of the bad words I have said. He says the pain is immense and he doesn’t want to speak to me for a few days…and stay busy with other things…and once he gets all right …he will give me a call himself. Until then I should take care of my health and he would focus on his ( even I am not keeping well after the fight.)
See Matt…whatever has happened has happened…but now I want to rebuild this relationship…and I want him to forgive me….until then I dont think I will be able to forgive myself.
I want God to come to my rescue and help me.And I want this guy to forgiv and forget…and I want to do the same.
Thanks a lot…
AnanyaSeptember 29, 2013 at 12:31 am #42945BernadetteParticipant
I can understand were you are coming from, I was married too and my ex husband cheated on me, he was an alcoholic, I use to fear him so much I would barricade the door with furniture to keep him away at night. We have been divorced for 15yrs and I still carry this scars with me until today, I have dated other guys after my divorce, I also have this fear in me that I want to control the relationship, My last relationship has just ended after 5yrs together, im very hurt, but I guess we blame ourselves sometimes too much when things don’t work out, there must be some reasons for you to feel distrustful of your Boyfriend?
I would blame myself too, but when there is trust issues its not easy to feel free in a relationship. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you have ask him for forgiveness, and want to make things better, I feel maybe it will be good for you to have some counseling as its not easy to get rid of these feelings on our own, some scars run too deep.
When I was with my ex we use to fight a lot, I felt very insecure, small things will bring on a big arguments and I would say some very harsh words to him too, which later on I would regret, mostly these things happen cause my ex was hiding stuff from me, he was somehow secretive, and this would bring back all those negative feelings from my past.
I feel this is what is happening to u, you feel betrayed when you boyfriend is not open with you, it brings on all sorts of feelings of anger and rejections.
Please try and focus on yourself for a few days and give both of you some space, right now you are hurting cause you want your relationship to be as it was before the argument, give it a few days and have a heart to heart conversation with him, explain yourself and ask him for his help so you can slowly overcome those negative feelings, from what you say he sounds like a kind person, if he truly loves u he will understand and give you the help you need.
Remember God is never angry with us even when we are angry with God, for God loves us no matter how messed up we are, we seek His forgiveness and he forgives us, God never holds grudges and is always merciful, keep praying and God will guide you.
Have a nice day sis
Bernie.September 29, 2013 at 7:39 am #42948MattParticipant
Its great that you can see the thorn so directly! So, if you can see that the emotional outbursting arises from the fears and betrayals of the past, then perhaps the forgiveness rests there as well. Consider that forgiving the previous boyfriend for cheating is perhaps the key to your present moment happiness. Back then, you made his cheating and betrayal about you, which is normal and usual. For instance, when he slept with another woman, perhaps you said “how could you do that to ME!”
The unfortunate result of doing that is the ME traps part of your happiness and stability. Like a thorn in the foot, when we make other people’s actions about us we end up with the feeling of anger. So we forgive. This let’s us heal from the past, so the outbursts don’t happen anymore. Said differently, when we forgive the people who have trespassed, we pull out the thorn and begin to heal. Then, we’re not so sensitive as we move forward.
Specifically, in your situation… as Ananya was cheated on, a thorn developed in your heart and mind. Now, when “other woman connecting to my partner” arises, it brushes up against that memory of betrayal and causes anger, shock, pressure and so forth. So, forgiveness is one thing, but repentance is another. When we realize what we are stuck in is painful for us and our loved ones, we move to heal the thorn, do what we can to stop that from happening again.
This is why we forgive others who have done us injustice. Its not because we wish for their actions to be acceptable, we want to be free. Cheating destroys an intimacy. Your ex either did not know that, or didn’t care… either way, he missed out. That’s between him and his heart, his foolishness. It has nothing to do with you. If we embrace that, letting other people’s suffering remain about them, then we can let go. We can heal. He made some dumb choices, and lost. That’s enough.
Perhaps, if you’re still with me, you can see that once the thorn is out, we can fill the wound with love and warmth. This can be done in many ways, but it is about self nurturing. Self caring. We treat ourselves kindly, with gentleness and patience. Going on nature walks, taking a bath, creating our art… actions which nourish our heart and help us settle and feel peace. One thing I find to be very nourishing in this way is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon guided metta” if you’re interested… her particular method may really help.
MattSeptember 29, 2013 at 6:56 pm #42960
Thanks Bernie. That was very helpful indeed. I will try to give both of us some space and time and hope that we can work things out….untill then I will nurture myself and pray.
Thanks Matt. Yes I need to take that thorn out…..difficult…but that is the only option I have. I follow discussions here regularly and have seen even the metta meditation you posted here earlier…somehow the way the saint in it speaks is not really comprehensible. Will go through “‘Sharon guided metta” right now after finishing my reply here. You know Matt, this incident is like that shake up…that I can’t mess up any further in my life…I want to re-create my life…I want to improve.
Thanks so much for the wonderful support Bernie and Matt…
May God bless you…:-)
With sincere thanks,
AnanyaSeptember 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm #42961
@ Matt: Just tried Sharon guided Metta meditation..it was easy on ears and there was not much distraction..was easy to comprehend. Felt nice in the beginning…when one is wishing loving kindness towards self and ppl we like..but towards the end when one has to wish it to ppl you find irritable and all..it was difficult… I get it…may be with time it will become easier.
ThanksOctober 7, 2013 at 6:38 pm #43386
So…I asked him to forgive me and he said he needed some time and space. He took good one week and today we are meeting to discuss our relationship and where we go from here. I am getting very emotional and somehow want to make it work….what should I speak to him…what are the things we need to agree or disagree for a healthy reltionship ahead…