January 6, 2017 at 11:42 am #124696
My partner and I began dating long-distance a year ago. We were going full-time, living together for the first month. I went back home to Canada (he’s US) and we had to do long-distance for about four months. He visited a few times, a week at a time and our relationship grew. We called each-other and talked everyday, it was great. The thing was, I wasn’t allowed back into the US (I overstayed my visa, so they temporarily didn’t allow me to visit him). This created immense lack of control, feelings of vulnerability, insecurity and so on. It lead me to feel like I needed more from him, since I was the one not allowed back in. During this time he told me he’s been doing long-distance for quite awhile (he had a history of multiple relationships with long-distance) and was tired of it. He wanted to not compromise on having sex once in awhile with a casual person once a month or so (he’s older and was feeling like he only had a certain amount of time left with his sex drive). He was always 100% transparent about his experiences during those four months and we discussed it to a fair extent, he reassured me of what I wanted to hear and he meant it.
We’re still together and have been living full-time now for a few months. Things are going really well, besides the pain from our past. It has created distrust towards him for me, even though he has never lied to me at all. It is most likely a lot to do with the growth on my journey at this point in my life… and, he doesn’t initiate conversation. It would be different I think if he were to be open and say, “Look, if you need me to reassure you or talk, I’m always here.” and that, but it is very muted and I’m always initiating the difficult conversations. In fact, he has told me it is difficult for him to discuss it, so that has created hesitation within me (making the pain more evident, almost like steam in a kettle).
It has affected my self-esteem quite a bit, not to mention I haven’t felt like myself in the last year. I just want to be my full self again.
Is it partly his responsibility to help me heal, considering it was his initiative that technically caused the pain?
Should I simply work on myself and heal from within? Is it not fair to keep harbouring these uncomfortable feelings towards him if he’s done a decent job at reassuring me and talking about it?
I just find myself sensitive in public now, like when there’s someone attractive I suddenly feel that sense of being “unloved” by him, feeling vulnerable and powerless. How do I get him to see this, or do I at all?
I love him and want to heal, finally just move on.
What’s your best advice?
All the love, 🙂January 6, 2017 at 12:17 pm #124702
Did I understand correctly: your boyfriend and you are now living together. Before, you had a long term relationship during which he had casual sex with another woman or other women, with your consent. Now, you have trouble trusting him and you feel distressed over his past casual sex while in LD with you. You want to talk about your distress with him but don’t like it that you initiate these talks. You want him to take responsibility over your distress, initiate talks and help you heal. Correct?
anitaJanuary 6, 2017 at 1:21 pm #124704
hi. may be someone can give me a solution what i am going through now i am 21 and MY EX BF is 25.i am really depressed because of my 3 months relationship.and then break up with my bf.i broke up with him 20 days before because he never show love or effection for me,dint call or text me for 2 to 3 days.he had no time and no emotions for me .he was working in another city which is 35 mints away.
in these 3 months of relationship i was the only one to make every possible effort to communicate .he used to live alone 15 mints away from my room .i used to cook for him daily and called him so that he comes and eat with me and we can spend some time togather.
but he was either on fb checking his news feed or somthing else.even though when i tried to talk to him.often i dint get any responce.i was deeply in love with him.but he was always busy in his own life ..
i did every single thing for him.i cooked ,washed his dresses ,massaged his body feets and hands when he asked me to do every single thing..but in return when one day i called him i said him i am having like fever and body pain.and he was also nt fine .he had fever .he said he ll come in sometime.after calling two times finally after 3 hours he came to me..and i was so hurt bcz of his reaction because as i wasnt feeling fine,he was punching my body nd slaping my face..and asked me to get up and make food.he said i was doing acing and he doesnt like drama..
after a week his friend came from another city .then he was with him all time dint text me or call me .then he cooked with his friend and dint need me and dint come to see me either.that time he was finding job and room online .in those days i was alone all time .i live alone i was alone ,tol him many time i am feeling so alone but he dint find even 10 mints to meet me for 2 weeks…
it was just once in a blue moon that he said i am important to him and he likes me.
then he got job and went another city as i told in beginning .i used to awake for him late night that may be after job he will msg me but i had to text .and he replied first few days .then whenever i dint text there was no responce from him.and some time he used to call me for 2 to 3 mints fot asking hi hello etc..then after two weeks he came to see me.we had good time togather he made me feel good .kissed me etc.
but after going again same attitude and this time also rude.he said he dont want to talk to anyone even not me.and when i asked him why he doesnt reply my texts he said he dont like to update every single thing..even i never asked for any update..i used to weep daily .. after 4 days i called him he was with a girl in her room lying with her in same bed ,sharing blanket at night 11;30. he ll stay wd her tonght,he said .and he started to talk about her body that she has tattos all over body etc.and thn he said she is having fever right now what should he do?thn he askd me to sleep…i trusted him blindly,,
i was wondering all night whats happning wd me ..two days passed but not he dint contact with me.but he was availible in fb although dint text me.
then i finallly decided to QUIT .and told him .he dint stop me and wished me best of luck for future……..i dint contact from 14 december 2016 to 31 december 2016 .
on 1st january someone knocked door..i opend so it was he.he asked what is wrong with me.i said nothing thn asked me,am i Happy? that time i was happy without any regret of break up..i rep YES ..thn he said the day i broke up he was weeping a girl saw him they become friends.and after 4 to 5 days she proposed him.he asked her to wait till he meets me and then he ll reply her about her proposal.i was shocked ……
thn i called him second day bcz i loved him alot and i told him all the thing that he dint give me time etc .he made me guilty by saying if a person cant give time then does that mean relationship ends?i broke his trust ,nd now he is in relationship with sombdy and he cant trust any girl now .he commited wd her last night after meeting me. he said…i was weeping he made me feel so guilty by playing with his words.he said he dint do anything wrong.and i was the one to end relationship he wasnt.and then i was emotionally so broken and said many thing emotionally and sorry him that i loved him madly …he said now nothing will change and he asked me to stay as friends i said NO …i dont want to be friends with him anymore and now we are not going to see and each other …before his going i said him I LOVE you when he was near door..he replied HE LOVED ME……..
i have paper after 4 days and i am disturbd…….i dont want him back bt he made me guilty …i want to show him that he made biggest mistake by losing me ….i dint contact him after that..but yesterday i was with my male friend when he saw me out side of building….
i am feeling better that he must know i am strong enough to move on and happy wd others too….
plz write your suggestion and comment…and sorry for mistakes my english is too bad ….
perfectpersonJanuary 6, 2017 at 1:55 pm #124719
Correct anita. It’s like, is it fair to be like – honey, I know this was awhile ago… I’m just wishing for something like, “I’m so sorry of how difficult that time was for you. Let me know how I can help, I’ll do my best.” It may be his own ego that’s protecting him from not feeling like it has anything to do with his responsibility towards me, it’s something I need to work out on my own since he’s explained himself along the way…?January 6, 2017 at 5:43 pm #124728
* person88: This thread belongs to the Original Poster (OP), another member. To start your own thread, click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY, click your chosen category (RELATIONSHIP I think), scroll down the page to the empty box. You can copy your post above and paste it there.
I understand you now regret that you didn’t object to his initiative to … supplement the LDR at the time with casual sex. Clearly, it was a mistake, to agree to it (that is your responsibility, having agreed to it). On his part, it was a selfish and unloving initiative and behavior (and he is responsible for that).
There is a need to a series of conversations with him, not only about what happened but about what will happen-
Will he supplement your relationship the same way in the future if you have to travel or he does, for a week, a month (time limit?)
Will he supplement the relationship this way if you are sick and unable? Does he believe you should do the same if he is gone on a business trip or is sick and unable?
Got to find out his values and see if those match yours. Also, be assertive and do not consent to behaviors that are hurtful to you (would be to me too, by the way!)
anitaJanuary 6, 2017 at 5:53 pm #124729
I understand what you’re saying. Think of it like, it was totally in the past and a “one time only” sort of thing. I really, really wanted the relationship to work and knew I’d survive and he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me in any way. The way I see it is sometimes if we compromise ourselves too much it just won’t work – he didn’t want to compromise himself in that way. It was up to me to say goodbye or not, which I’m so glad you agree – it was my responsibility at that time! Yes, I’m not concerned with his faithfulness now or anything. It’s not even a minute possibility, he’s always been completely honest and trustworthy (almost sometimes too honest, ha!). It’s almost a conditioning though, reliving past hurt over and over from inside and not to do with anything he’s doing today. When I see a handsome man with him, scared and powerless when he happens to look at them … those feelings from the past will come up again. Just want to overcome those feelings NOWADAYS! You know? I’ve found myself in negative thought cycles too, which I’m really working on. I’ll go, “Remember when that happened?!” And I’ll just get swept up in it. AH! 🙂
January 6, 2017 at 6:03 pm #124732
- This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by JH.
If you have no concerns about such future behavior on his part, and his values and yours are a match, then do what is best to do when you make a mistake (consenting to it), and learn your lesson, to not consent to what is hurtful to you. Be sure to let him know that such supplementation is not okay with you. Make sure he will not repeat such … one time behavior.
When you get the assurance, and you have a thought troubling you, you will have to just endure it, take a few breaths, say nothing to him; tell yourself that you are now assertive and will not allow such a thing again, and go on with whatever you were doing before the thought.