Dear rosie:

“doing whatever I want to do” is often not self love/ love at all because what we want to do often enough is not loving. For example: I want to eat the whole cake but it will make me sick and feel bad. So it is not loving to myself (or to anyone who cares about me, seeing me distressed). Or, I may want to yell at someone because I am angry at him/ her, and it will feel good, but it is not loving to myself because I will feel guilty later on (nor is it loving to the person being yelled at).

So figuring out if what we want to do is loving to ourselves first and then choose to do it if it is loving (ex., eating one slice of cake, asserting oneself with another person respectfully, without raising my voice), is self loving.

In addition, many of us have a part of us that hates us, a part of us that follows us with negative commentary such as: “you shouldn’t think this! You shouldn’t feel that! You are a bad person! You don’t deserve anything good… etc.”- that is a self-hating part. That part needs to be dealt with, when one aims at loving oneself.

anita

This is a question I have been asking myself lately too. I have had a constant battle with quitting smoking, quitting starting again quitting.  I became aware of the thought that I was ignoring that when I was feeling down I had a hidden thought that I didn’t care enough about myself to quit smoking.  I’ve made it a week without a cigarette this time and when I think I want one I focus on thoughts of my health and how I need to do this for myself. I also battle with the thought that I have to be highly productive all the time and for the first time in my adult life have found myself with a  Job that doesn’t require me to work long hours. I’m allowing myself to take more time to do things for me. I still fight the thought of feeling that I should be working but then have to tell myself it’s OK to take time for me .  To read a book, to go for a walk to garden, to go to a festival.