“I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth, and be the love that we are.” Anita Moorjani.

Never in a million years did I think that I would be writing about this! But here’s the beginning of my story. I am forty one years old and I always thought I had a “great childhood”. However about three years ago when I began my journey of awareness or awakening – whatever ones wants to call it, I began to realize many things that I had kept from myself ever since I was a little girl.

Let’s take a step back – I am an East Indian woman who was born and raised in East Africa up until the age of fifteen. At fifteen my family and I moved to Canada for a “better life”. As an East Indian girl who also by the way went to a catholic school until the age of fifteen!

I was raised to believe that being quiet and submissive is “good”. I was conditioned to have many beliefs about the way I should or shouldn’t be as a girl, a daughter, a daughter in law, a mother, an employee and all the other possible roles I could be. I led my life believing I am supposed to be a certain way because that’s what my parents, my relatives, my culture and my school say I should be. In the end, it doesn’t matter what gender, religion or culture we belong too, I know many of us feel the same way.

What did this result in? It resulted in me feeling anxious and depressed after the birth of my first born in 2005. I was never actually diagnosed with either however in hindsight can see it. I’d wake up in the morning when my newborn woke up (6 am usually!) – wishing that he’d go back to sleep because I had no idea how I would pass the day. I would sit on the couch staring out the window, feeling empty and numb. I had little drive to engage with my little baby. I felt very little connection with him (as a new born).

Then I started experiencing emotional, mental and physical issues ranging from anxiety, sadness, tingling in my limbs, fatigue, overwhelm, stress, inability to ask for help. And most of all denial to myself and others that I was feeling any of this stuff. Of course this would be a “normal” reaction for me – as I was raised to believe that I am always supposed to look as if everything is just fine. Put on a smile and be happy, even though inside you may be feeling miserable. Eventually even I began to believe that I’m fine, nothing’s wrong with me.

However in my late thirties something said to me – something just is not right with me. Why am I always tired? In hindsight I realize so many things – I was living an emotionally numb life – not feeling anything, there was no vibrancy in or around me. And this was reflected in my physical fatigue. My body was speaking to me in a physical way, because I’d never listened to the emotions or feelings pretty much all my life. Nor had I never spoken up for myself.

The past three years has been a journey of awareness, in particular, emotional awareness.
Over the past year in particular, through this healing journey, I have spoken up in ways that I have never done in the past. I speak my truth with friends, family, clients and colleagues. I have engaged in public speaking by offering mindfulness sessions, workshops and facilitating lectures at the University of Toronto, Canada.

I have learned that what I was most fearful of (speaking up) is in fact what I love the most and is a gift I wish to share with others.

How did I achieve this? Well various ways and I’m not sure which one helped more than the other (if at all). I went for biofeedback, took courses in Reiki, ThetaHealing, mindfulness, tai chi lessons and initiated my own meditation and mindfulness practice. Ironically, I took many of these courses to help others since I am a health care professional to begin with. Yet each of these helped ME first and then allowed me to help others.

I have learned so much over the past 3 years about being who I am, speaking my truth and loving myself that I want to share this wisdom with others:

– Listen to your body. It really does tell us things particularly when we ignore our physical, emotional and mental needs
– Make time for self-care, no matter how busy your life feels. Even if it starts with 5 minutes of time day a to yourself, or 1 quiet meal on your own or with friends/family with whom you connect
– Re-find what you love to do and begin to make it a part of your weekly and then daily routine.
– Speak your truth – if something doesn’t feel right to you, if you have that gut feeling – it’s probably right. Speak up and let it be known.
– Don’t lie to yourself – in other words don’t suppress your emotions and pretend you are “fine” if deep inside you know you are not. If you feel sad, acknowledge it, don’t judge it, allow it to be and you’ll eventually fine acceptance and transformation will happen with more ease.

If you’d like to read more take a peak at my blogs at http://www.avdeepbahra.com

Thanks for reading my story☺