Hi everyone, so  I took my time to put every single bit of my energy, my mind and myself to my relationship in order to rebuild it and feel good about us.

This 2 months have been a rollercoaster, we have had good times and bad times, yes, so Carlos wanted to make things better between us, and of course me too, I love him, and we decided to give it another chance. And yeah, what can I say it was more of the same, with the difference that he started going to therapy, I haven’t seen a lot of changes but I have to mention that this therapy thing is very recent so I guess I have to wait, it actually makes me happy because although our relantionship as a future or not, it will still be good for him.

During our breakup, being apart, I talked to Carlos’ aunt, since he lost his mother, she kind of plays the “mother” role for him, well long story short, she told me that he wasn’t the man for me.

As we got back I told him about this conversation and with the purpose to motivate him to change and become a better person even for his family to trust him and so he can show them what he is capable of, and his true and good colors. Because of course I believe in him.

Well, now, he is upset with me, telling me that I am a “bad person” for telling him this things, “how could I have told him that his own fmily thinks bad things about him, that only a bad person could tell him that.” So now he is resentful. He says his heart cannot forgive me for telling him that. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

All I wanted was him to get motivated in order to be successful and prove everyone the kind of guy he is, which after any flaws I do think he is great, and I remember when I told him about that conversation, I told him, that is your family, that is all you have and don’t take this wrong what I am going to tell you this should make you stronger and wiser, jus to push you to work on yourself.

I swear, my intentions were good, but this guy is resentful, and now that feeling is making him doubt about our relantionship, again.

Yesterday, I told him I was worried about us, and he said me too, well, conversation went on, and he ended me telling me he loves me, but sometimes he feels like he cannot forgive not only this thing I mentioned about the family and me telling him, but also all the fights and bad things we have said to each other in the past two years we have been together, he said he no longer knows if we will someday get married, he is afraid for out future, etc..

He is full of insecurities towards our relantionship, and I feel so sad about it, because, again, despite of everyhting that has happenned and we ave experienced, good or bad, I do love him and I do believe we can make it nad we can be happy.

I know we hav the potential, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one who believes that. His insecurities are eating me up, they are destroying my heart and my mind.

I asked him if he wanted some time alone, if he needed some days or weeks he could tell me, there is nohing wong with thata and that I would understand, he said he didnt knos, than he said no, I asked him if wanted to stop talking, since we don’t see each other that much, only on weekends, it would make much of a difference stop hanging out, but maybe I should stop texting and calling, but he said no, its fine, lets keep everthing the same, lets hope counseling helps us.

As far as I know, counseling it is not magic, and it is not that fast or practical, it takes time, and the end the counselor will give us tools to handle our problems but it depends on us, but somehow I dont see that he has a positive attitude or just the energy to make things better between us.

He has been under a huge stress with work, I understand, I sometimes I try to justify his behaviour on that, but still, I don’t know if this is the end.

Tomorrow is the first time I will meet his counselor, as we expect to attend together in a few weeks, the counselor has been meeting with him first now me, and finally it will be together.

I dont know what to do, everything he has said, his doubts, his lack of positivism and LOVE have hurt me.

At the end he even said, I do love you and miss you sometimes, other times I dont, sometimes I feel like I want to see you, others not, that hurts.

Not mention my son, Noah misses him, always, and asks for him, but he does not realize he could doubt about me if Noah didnt existed ok, but he is a part of me, and if I suffer, so does he, if we fight, Noah also gets that, and suffers.

I cant keep up playing like that, as we got back I told him, this is it, we are making it work, I dont care how, but we are staying together, I love you, we are meant to be, and we will be a family, and he agreed, he was excited, of course, every reconciliation is like that, you get back only picturing the great things, lots of dreams and hope, but well it doesnt last much for him.

Now I dont even know how to act, he is acting normal, like nothing is wrong, he said lets try till the end, till the last consequences, and if it doesnt work , then we would have done all that is within our reach, maybe I should feel some kind of hope about it, but I don’t. Sorry, there is too much sadness, doubt and uncertainty in heart.

Anyways, it helps a lot when I post my feelings here, in a couple of hours I’ll meet Carlos counselor, and I hope this takes us somewhere better in our relantionship.

The counselor just cancelled on me, he had some emergency and just texted me to tell me he will let me know when he is available, just didn’t say when, at least to re-schedule myself and my time.

This makes me anxious, days go by and I feel we lose each other into doubt and distance, just called Carlos twice, he didn’t answer, this counselor of him, I don’t know, is the second time he cancels on me, I did ask him once we could go to someone else, but he said no.

I guess he won’t trust nobody else, but I feel we really need some sessions together, and they are not happenning, I am starting to feel desperated.

How do I make understand that OF COURSE I am on his side, that everything I ask of him or tell him is in order to help him and all Ii want for him is to become the version on himself. Because when I tried to explain that, he just talked about how resentful he feels.

You are so right Anita, I feel that I need to do so much for him and with himi in so little time, I need days to go fast to prove him things are better, I need time to show him I his #1 fan, at the same time still makes me sad, all that I have to do in order ofr him to feel good about us, like love is not enough.

Anita thank you so much for this, is has opened my eyes, really, THANK YOU. I can see everything in a different way, it is amazing that just by readng something a new perspective appears.

I do love him, believe me, I just didn’t realize that I cannot change him, at least not like that, that he can change only for himself, and in his time, and my love for him should mean that, me respecting his time, his pace, and his decisions.

I’m trying to be as supportive as I can with his work right now, and giving him space to feel better about us, we text every morning and at night, and I try to motivate him on the mornings so he feels he can achieve everything and most of all, that I truly believe in him.

Yesterday I talked to him about going to another counselor, he agreed, it makes me a little bit happy.

You are so right, I am looking forward to change what this mistake did to us, how it hurt us and our relationship, our trust, as you said, and I am trying to show him with my actions that I want him to trust me again, and also I want him to know and feel that I do believe in him, his potential and his heart. Just as you said “on his side” I hope that time and my actions truly prove him that and everything gets better, because I really want to see him happy.

I am going to start to choose my battles, and even more important than that, to think if I really want to fight one, “choose thoughtfully”. I have been very impulsive, all my life Anita, not only in my relationship wuth Carlos, always, with college, my family, past relantionships, everything, I should start thinking a lot before acting, it will be something very new for me, I thought I use to do it, but I don’t. I think that will bring many changes, I hope.