Separated and pregnant *long*

My husband and I were together for 5 years and married for 3 years. I’m going to be 24 this December and he’s 25. We separated beginning of June. We were unhappy, we lost a lot of communication and we just stopped working on our relationship. There was just no spark anymore. I asked him for separation first and he agreed. We stayed friends, still hanged out and slept together. I told him from the beginning of the separation that it’s probably not a good idea to stay friends. He refused to listen and he said he doesn’t want to loose me because he really loves me a lot.

Later on, I had found out that days before we separated he made a “friend that’s a girl”. I confronted him about it because there were days and nights we would talk and he would just completely disappear. He didn’t deny it and said I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you and that’s she’s nothing but just a friend that I don’t have to worry about anything. I brushed it off and basically let him have the whole cake and eat it too. Like every girl would do I tried my best to be a “good friend” and I finally asked him to move back in that I want him back and he said no he just does not want to be in a relationship at the moment. We still argued a lot about us and there’s a lot of back and fourth begging. There were days and weeks we didn’t speak to each other and when we do speak again, we would go out for drinks and end up sleeping together.

Fast forward to August, I found out that I was pregnant. I was scared, really scared. Before I found out I was pregnant I knew for sure that there was no getting back together. I begged and begged over and over again to get back together but nothing. The night I told him I was pregnant, that’s when he told me that he has feelings for this girl and how worried he was of loosing her (just what every pregnant girl wanted to hear) a lot of hurtful things were said that really broke my heart how “you and this stupid kid would ruin my life”, how immature I am for not getting an abortion. The times I asked him for money to go to the doctors he would give me the “I’m tight on money right now. How can you have a kid when you can’t even afford the doctors” And of course, that “friend that’s a girl” she turned out to be more than that after a while. I spoke to her woman to woman and she told me a lot of things that made me see what a piece of shit he was. She accepted the pregnancy and was willing to work that with him (silly girl) There was more to eat but it’s irrelevant to get into it now. I was depressed, on top of the pregnant hormones, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to live anymore. I questioned God to why, why is this happening right now. I looked for closure and explanations to why he did it but every time I tried I never got it.

Ever since then, I learned a lot of lessons throughout this experience. I learned that people change, love change. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. God blessed me with a little one. I thought, hey my marriage didn’t work out but God blessed me with something so much more important than a man. I already accepted that my marriage would never be repaired, I accepted that I will never get the closure I want and I don’t even care for it anymore. I learned and accepted that I want him but definitely don’t need him. I learned that the more I actually beg and try to fix whatever little piece that was left the more I’m hurting myself. My main focus now is my baby.

Around September, he started being so much more nicer. He accepted that he’s going to be a father, he wants to be a good father and I’m grateful for that. We both had similar stories with our father growing up. He hated his dad because he played his mom left to right and wasn’t really there for him growing up. My dad, ever since my mom passed away, he was every where getting every girl pregnant possible to the point that the money our mom left for me and my brothers he used it on his baby moms and other kids. My whole vision of starting a family was not like this. Not a broken marriage and not separated. I thought that’s something we would want for our first kid together. This is not how I imagined my life right now if you were to ask me months or years ago. This is not what I wanted for my first pregnancy.

I am now 14 weeks and 2 days. We saw our baby together for the first time today since the last time I saw my baby was when I was 7 weeks and he/she was only a tiny bean. Today he/she was so much bigger. We saw the heart beat and the baby was awake so it was moving a lot and rubbing his/her face. We both cried it was so beautiful. He said a lot of nice things of how much in love he is with our baby and how our baby stole his heart. It was nice to hear those kind words knowing how two months ago he was saying the complete opposite but I’m glad he came around for our baby. Seeing our baby today, just filled me up with happiness. This whole time I was having a hard time connecting to my baby because I have not seen how he/she looks. But after today I feel so much more connection and so much love. Our product of love, I’m so in love with. How we talk about our baby makes me wonder tho, how different this experience would’ve been if we were still together.

But I’m good, I honestly don’t think I’m depressed as before, I don’t cry everyday as before, I’m able to sleep on the bed we used to share when before I would just sleep on the couch. I’m not loosing sleep like before and now when thoughts of him do come up, I know what steps to do to keep my mind off of it. I read a lot, a lot of healing books and a lot of articles on this site that helped me open my eyes to a lot of things, I listen to a lot of meditating music, I pray and talk to God and my mom mostly every night and I also write down my feelings. Whatever I feel, I would Google it and read a lot about it. It makes me feel good also that I’m not going through this alone and I’m thankful for friends and family. They’ve been really supportive. Ive accepted that my first marriage that I planned on being my last, didn’t work out. I believe that this is not the last straw for me. The main objective now is my baby and keeping my baby healthy. That’s the most important thing right now and nothing else. But I know I will find that special someone one of these days but I’m not really going to worry about that right now but I know I will. I’ve gotten over my expectation. In general I’ve accepted a lot of things and I learned a lot from them. I know I’m strong, I’ve gone through loosing a mom at a young age, loosing a husband is nothing compare to that. But loosing him I did gain something more beautiful. But there are days where I would hit bumps where it’s hard to not think of stuff where I would bawl my eyes out. I pick myself up. I know that it’s normal and I know everyday I’m one step closer to moving on. I know my thoughts are my worst enemy. I’ve let go of whatever that happened but just the thought of being pregnant and not having to share this with my “husband” everyday when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep is what hurts. I do miss him, yes, he’s a good guy don’t get me wrong the reason why I was with him for 5 years and married for 3 but eventually people change. I just want that peace of mind all the time. I’m so emotionally tired. Having to fight everyday to be strong on top of being physically tired.

Thank you for taking your time reading my story. Anybody out there that could relate to my experience and helpful advice would be nice from anybody from this site.