Setbacks

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by libertymojo.

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May 25, 2014 at 7:10 am #57273
libertymojo
Participant
Dear TB community,
I am back to ask for your insights, wisdom, advices.
When I started to reach out few months ago it was after an extremely painful breakup that shook massively my world in the process I lost myself emotionally and physically. I became an other human being hiding from the outside world depriving myself from sleep, food, social interactions it was just a downward spiral going a little further down everyday. At that time I was so desperate I started to search for answers or at least leads and I found you. It took me some time and courage to post something but many of you took a great amount of time to cheer me up to give me an other perspective. I knew that there was no magic wand out there to ease up the pain but I carefully follow what reach my heart and soul. Quiet frankly my progress are slow tiny tiny baby steps ( I know it is rather small) and the emotional roller coaster is not always easy to handle, the tears are not there daily but it still happens on a regular basis. I try to reconnect to the few friends that I had,I set up small goals, I went back to sport that was a big part of my equilibrium, focus on my work(my patients did not have to deal with my issues) and when to few social events to develop my rather scarce social network. I eventually met few people including a girl who seemed pretty nice. We exchange numerous texts, when out few times. She was very flirty but I had decided to take it slow seeing this connection more than a way to have nice interactions outside of work ( my confidence is still pretty low). We exchange few kisses and hugs I could feel that she wanted more but I was not ready probably to afraid to potentially face what happened few months ago.
Friday we had diner and the evening was OK just a nice way to end a pretty overwhelming week in the office.I walked her back to her place and kissed her goodnight on my way to my apartment I sent her a thank you text few minutes after I received a response explaining that our two universe were too different that I was too ascetic,working too hard, always looking for excellence and it was a sign of someone being in pain/unhappy.Her goal in life was to have fun, partying, drinking wines and enjoying life.
She explained that giving those explanations via text was the way modern girl were behaving…
She never asked me personal questions, did not know anything about my past, always telling me that she had so much success with guys that I should consider myself a lucky man.
I did not think about this person as my girlfriend I was just happy to exchange with her, to feel that my personal life was not a dead end and I felt a little less lonely. Somehow this behavior reopened the wound that I try to heal. For the past two days the tears are rolling on my checks, I do not want to go out. It feels like these comments erased all my efforts. I feel like a worthless man,I feel judged, not good enough and it hurts.My fragile equilibrium vanished once again
Am I really such an evil man for not being a one night stand? Am I too old fashioned for taking thing slow?Does it mean that all my efforts are ruined? Am I going to be able to find my confidence back one day?
I know it sounds probably stupid but I am coming from a very dark place and I would like to move forward stop dwelling on my past (that I can not change) eventually find my own way and make someone happy.Am I not good enough to achieve those goals??
Fatamorgana?????
- This topic was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by libertymojo.
May 25, 2014 at 7:42 am #57277

Matt
Participant

Doctor Mojo,

I’m sorry for your grief, dear friend, and happy you find some comfort from the TB community. When we’re scared we’re unlovable, broken, other people’s rejection is painful indeed. Almost like a conceptual allergy. Her rejection smacked you in the esteem, and next thing you know you go into shock. Ouch!

The problem I’m sensing is that your mind is using her words as proof that you suck, are destined for isolation, are this, are that. Perhaps those kisses you shared similarly were proof for you of an upswing? Both false, both sides no, negative, not yours.

Consider that you don’t want someone to just kiss, you wish for someone to build something with. She is saying “not me, sorry”, because she wants to wine and dine her way. Good for her, perhaps, but that’s not where you’re aiming. I like your aim, and trust it.

Consider a different approach. Even if the lips are soft and the hips curvy, don’t let women define you. It doesn’t help them,doesn’t help you, and they’re not accurate. Sometimes they can give you hints at things you don’t see, but letting their words overwhelm your own good senses leaves you vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain.

For instance, you’re not too focused on business,your words clearly describe a man that is using it like a crutch for a broken ankle… deep focus on safe patterns as you grieve and heal. If my heart sees that though some words, a woman open to you would see that too. She didn’t, but that’s just how it goes. Nothing to do with you, really, just incompatible aims. She said point blank she wanted light, fun, and from her choices seems to err on the side of shallow. If you look back on the dance you shared with her, I’m sure you can see why it didn’t work. If the loneliness weren’t there, my guess is it wouldn’t even have blipped much. “Yeah, me too, have a good life.” Onward!

I’m guessing you never kept at that metta meditation practice, am I right? “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested. When the mind turns inward, pushing too much self reflection, our momentum breaks like a bone snapping. I can’t put on the cast for you, doc, its between your butt and a cushion. Consider, when we intentionally spend time thinking specific ideas,our emotions, mind and momentum heals. Metta makes the mind smooth, peaceful, brings authentic happiness. Like a cast, letting the tender fractures heal within a rigid structure so when we dance, it is joyous, light. Only when we do it, though! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

May 25, 2014 at 8:31 am #57283

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi, Matt.

Firstly, I would like to tell you something about my story, as I have found similiarities while reading you post. My ex boyfriend broke up with me last July, I was quite devastated for a while but it eventually led me to some hard work on myself (including reading Tiny Buddha articles, motivational and spiritual books) and I realized the break up was a wake up call for me and now I am deeply grateful it happened.

However, I haven’t dated anybody since July, I didn’t go on a single date. Last month, I met a guy who I had seen only once before, but we had sympathies for each other as early as the first time (not only on the surface, we share similar sense of humor and hobbies). I did something I had never done before – I stayed the night with him (I later realized that it was not because I was that much into the person, I just wanted some connection with a guy after almost a year since the break up). We slept together, but honestly, the best moment of the night for me was when he gave me a kiss on my nose. I don’t regret it, I tried it and now I know that a one-night stand is not my thing. The next morning, he told me to contant him if I wanted to, gave me a kiss and we parted, not exchanging texts or anything for a week. We met the next weekend, I slept in his aparmtment again, but I said no to having sex with him, as I was never interested in being somebody’s – I don’t know how to say it in English – a girl he would call when he feels like it? I guess my intention was to find out whether he really liked me for me. He was distant the next day and that was when I knew that I valued myself too much to try work things out with somebody who didn’t really try.

I’m grateful for this experience as well, because now I live my life for me, knowing that I’m whole and I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I’m now willing to enter a relationship only with somebody who really cares about me and wants to be with me, not just out of loneliness.

As for you, I nodded my head most while reading the line ‘She never asked me personal questions, did not know anything about my past’, this guy wasn’t interested either. I don’t know the girl, but from what you wrote about her, she’s not worthy of your time and I’m sorry that she hurt you with the things she had said to you.

‘I feel like a worthless man,I feel judged, not good enough and it hurts’ – you basically gave yourself answers here – just know that you are worthy and love yourself because you are good enough. Do not measure your value by opinions other people have on you! Maybe this experience will help you figure out what kind of girl you would like to be with, and then you will attract such a person, I’m sure of it 🙂

May 25, 2014 at 8:50 am #57287

Anonymous
Inactive

* I’m sorry for mistaking your nickname 😉

May 25, 2014 at 6:35 pm #57305
MayraLuna
Participant
@libertymojo,

First off, I commend you for being so open and vulnerable, it is such a rare quality in a person. I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. You are not alone. I, too, am going through a painful loss. You sound like a wonderful, kind, and gentle person. Here’s a big virtual ::hug:: You will get through this. I know it sounds cliché but this too shall pass. I know it seems like you’ve had a set back, but think of the perspective that you’ve gained through it all. You have developed a sense of self-awareness that was probably not as present as it was in your previous relationship. Thank yourself for not throwing yourself into something that you weren’t comfortable or happy with. That girl obviously doesn’t have a good sense of people if she wasn’t able to sense that you weren’t ready for that kind of interaction. Just be kind to yourself, love yourself, give yourself the time and space to build yourself back up. remember, if you heal yourself truly from your past, you will be much happier in your present, and be able to establish something better and worthwhile in your future. Keep trekking forward. You aren’t alone in this journey, just know that you must keep pushing forward. So a leave you with these beautiful words that I read frequently to myself:

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by MayraLuna.
May 25, 2014 at 7:23 pm #57314

Livlife
Participant

@Lada, it seems so open of you to share things about your life and what has actually happened. Gives a positive sense of how open one can be without fearing anything inside rather than outside. Livlife Cheers.

May 26, 2014 at 12:54 am #57342

libertymojo
Participant

I would like to sincerely thank those of you who took the time to read my post. All your comments made me think a lot as usual.

@ Matt: dear Matt you followed my posts since I discovered the TB community. I do not know you but I am always amazed how you are able to read me like an open book. Your comments are always dead on. My healing process is rather slow and still feel extremely fragile.Few months ago I was on my knees now I am standing straight but I am still not moving forward. Having these kind of encounters somehow showed me how insecure I feel, how the pain inflicted by my previous relationship is vivid.
Basically I am still dwelling on the past even if for an intellectual standpoint I know it does make any sense.
Meeting people who look so confident from the outside giving you lesson about how your life is not heading toward the right direction is not easy to deal with.
I promise you that I will look into the Metta Meditation.

@Lada: I am very touched by your comment. It was genuine, open and very sensitive. I am glad to read that you were able to get over your painful experience and eventually find yourself. The physical part of a relationship is crucial but not every male are just aiming only for this.Mental connection/interaction is at least as important as the former.After what happened to me I could not consider an other way than taking things slow but it seems that it is too old fashioned… go figure.

@Mayra Luna: Thank you very much for your support. I am not sure that I deserve all these nice comments. I try to be true and respectful (sometimes a little naive) when I interact with human beings.It is not about the person but more about what she said.Listening to her I am not reflecting anything positive, I could not be happy with my type of personality, I was not flaky enough to truly appreciate what life could bring me etc etc I have to admit that sometimes I should loosen up a little but I lost myself a year ago and those comments cracked my cuirass open not easy to build some confidence back up.
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