Forum Replies Created
June 18, 2014 at 9:34 am #59085
While it is understandable to hold onto grudges, it is not healthy, especially for the grudge-holder. You don’t want to hold that against him at convenient times. Just know that it probably wasn’t personal, if you love this guy, if you feel he has a good heart, then you should try to understand that maybe it was a defense mechanism. I know I tend to be more distant and cold if I feel like pushing people away without having to say so explicitly. Sure, it can be a bit childish or immature, but there are people out there who aren’t good at communicating these messages. You can try to do a burning session and absolve yourself of any negative feelings and strive for positive ones. Stop bringing it up in fights, it will not serve any of you. You will be much happier if you put it past you, because after all, you are back with this guy, give both of yourself some slack. Best of luck on your journey of forgiveness, it takes a strong person to forgive. Be gentle with yourself and also forgive yourself too. 🙂June 16, 2014 at 9:34 pm #58968
Thank you so much Matt, Big Blue and Nanette! I just got home from a lakeside jog, it was such a beautiful experience. I will look into those books, I am interested in Savor, that sounds like exactly what I am looking for. I am feeling extremely elated right now and this just topped it.
<3 Namaste.June 12, 2014 at 11:51 am #58716
I agree with Jasmine. Go and and do you, do what makes you happy! It seems as though all you and Thomas have to do is go on with your merry selves not worry about this guy Josh. Life happens. Life is simple, but no one said it would be easy.
I leave you with these words:
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” -RumiJune 11, 2014 at 11:46 am #58627
Firstly, I am so sorry that you are experiencing pain at this moment in your life. Just know that you are in control of yourself and your reactions. I actually went about roughly 30 days or so of no-contact with my recently ended romance… the guy reached out to me… mostly to say that I let my “ego / insecurities” drive us astray…. which is really effing strange because I can say the same thing about him… Anyway, that’s besides the point…
Jan, I don’t think it’s fair when someone in a relationship says that the other is “too needy or dependent” while there are of course fair enough examples of one partner being heavily reliant on the other partner, it is one thing to WANT and DESIRE the other’s affection and attention, and it is the other to NEED it to survive. When you are in a relationship with someone, therein lies a set of expectations. We all have needs, we all want to be cared for in such a partnership. If he did not want or desire to meet your basic needs in the relationship, consider it a relationship that you do not desire. Please do not ever beg anyone for anything. It will have its time or serve its purpose. Right now his distance is giving him the space that he might not have been able to ask for in a kind way. Sometimes people who distance themselves in this manner do it because they think it will hurt you less or they are not able to verbally communicate their needs in a tactful manner without deliberately hurting you.
@anonymous, consider being a little more kind to Jan, we come on here for yes HONEST feedback, but we also must show kindness and compassion in our responses, for a straight up response may be honest, it may not set well with the OP.
Best of luck Jan. Wish you nothing but much LOVE & PEACE.June 6, 2014 at 10:25 pm #58284June 5, 2014 at 6:26 pm #58198
I totally understand your needing to send that out. I hope you feel a weight lifted. I am glad you are on your way to healing. Now focus on getting that heart right, your mind right, and you will feel so much better in due time. Now is the perfect opportunity for you to think carefully about what you want for yourself, you have a fresh start, don’t let that progress go to waste. You got this!June 5, 2014 at 11:19 am #58164
I commend you for being able to be so open, vulnerable, and honest in your writing. I too am going through a recent break-up (5 weeks ago), and I too wanted to write a letter to let this guy know how hurt I am (was), and I wanted him to understand the implications of his abrupt departure. [Side note: I also posted a thread about potentially writing the letter, but I felt so embarrassed that I took it down because I realized I had the answers in me all along, and I chose to make zero contact.]
Much like yours, it was like having a rug pulled beneath me. Though, in being honest with myself, I would be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming. It was coming alright. I knew we had grown apart and I knew that he used me as a source of happiness and escape from his dark and miserable condition. and in turn, I used him as a source of validation and the kind of person I am, I like to feel like I am wanted, appreciated, (though, who doesn’t like to be appreciated.) Nevertheless, I was too accommodating to him and to his commitment-phobia… still I mistreated myself and my heart in the process. I put his needs above my own. I know that now, and I am better because of that. Though I am learning and I am working on my wellness and my sanity throughout this process. After nights of crying and wallowing, I can say with much self-respect and pride that I have not cried or felt so low in the last 8 days, (it’s definitely progress for me) though, If I do end up having a crying bout or a feeling of sorrow, I will just feel it out and let is pass. After all, we are human beings, and we are sensitive. My point of sharing my own experience is to let you know that you are not alone, and although you may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel YOU ARE THAT LIGHT…. It is within YOU! Don’t put yourself in a tunnel, be your own source of happiness and your own light. I know that the repeated advice is for one to work on themselves during a breakup/heartache/heartbreak, but it is true. If it’s one thing I have learned from good men out there is that they want a partner who is self-aware, self-assured, and confident. Yes, it is wonderful to be vulnerable with your partner when you reach that level, but that vulnerability ought not be confused with emotional dependency. It is a fine line and I think a lot of people confuse the two.
If you are going to send him this letter, consider the following:
Can you move on without having to send him this letter?
You say you don’t want a reaction/response, but your letter is very emotion-filled, how could you not warrant a response?
Do you want hime to sympathize with your pain? Think of how he left you so abruptly. Does he deserve to even have contact with you?
Lastly, be gentle with yourself. You keep blaming yourself for the ended relationship, and you are not leaving room for him to own up to his role in this. Relationships are HARD and they require work on both ends. This was not your “fault”.
You seem like a wonderful person who just needs to love herself a bit more, and I am certain that you are worthy of the love that you desire, you are worth it. The self-love and sense of awareness is not so that you replace the love you deserve from a partner, but rather, for you to understand and truly believe that you deserve better, and to remove yourself from situations that do not agree with what you deserve.
I wish you much love and healing on your journey. I am on it too, and I am doing so much better, better than I could have imagined, and it is because of what I just told you.
I am going to share one of the best thoughts that have helped me:
“I wish i could show you that when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being” – HafizJune 1, 2014 at 11:54 am #57843
I deleted mine and I kid you not, felt so much better instantly. No more FB anxiety for me, I am fully enjoying my JOMO (joy of missing out) effect… 😀
Try deactivating it. See how it makes you feel.
Also, if you really want to stay in touch with a certain few, get their emails / phone numbers. If they are important to you, they’ll find a way to find you, and vice versa.
Also, I find that it is easy to replace one SM outlet for another. Try Pinsterest, or Instagram for the pictures… or not. Just do what makes you happy.May 31, 2014 at 8:52 pm #57799
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I promise if you are mindful and thoughtful about making yourself your top priority, and accepting better for yourself, you will get better. You are going to have to shift your mentality. You’re going to have to believe that you will heal from this and that you will find what you are seeking. It may not be this guy, but it will be someone who you know is worthwhile and makes you feel as special as you are. I was feeling absolutely terrible just a week ago. I was feeling so low that I wrote a thread on here and felt so embarrassed that I asked them to take it down because I couldn’t bear reading how low I felt. Instead, I decided I had to just purge all of this, purge this heartache, and let it out of my system. I’ve been reaching out now to friends, whom know me to be a very private person, and I’ve been honest and open about my situation. I have not been this honest and open in a long time. It has been very helpful and healing for me. I still have not had contact with the person I was involved with. And that is okay. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I a okay with that. I have accepted that I am moving on with my life. I have increased my prayer & meditation time. Meditation helps so much. I know it’s extremely difficult to believe that you’ll get over this hurdle, but it is possible! You just really have to push yourself through the pain. While I believe it is fine to wallow and feel your pain, it is also very unhealthy to stay there. You have to be proactive and trust yourself that you have the strength within you to heal and move forward. I am right there with you girl! You will get through this.
Wishing you lots of LIGHT, LOVE, & PEACE.
Keep us updated.
Namaste. <3May 29, 2014 at 7:57 pm #57681
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your journey. You have overcome so much and I sense how much more balance you have in your life now. I too am working on being more mindful. I can honestly say mindfulness and being in tune with my spirit and the divine within me has helped me so much, especially in a recent situation, (which will and is passing). I am inspired daily on here, this has been a wonderful place to share our stories, both of sorrow, but also and more importantly our triumphs.
May you continue to receive blessings on your journey.
Namaste!May 28, 2014 at 10:29 pm #57610
I am so sorry you had to go through this.
Although you feel he got off easily, you need not worry about him anymore. Tell him to eff off and leave you alone. Whether he got left off the hook is not up to you, it’s up to him and his karma. I would move forward with life. It’s not always going to be fair, especially for us women, but just know that the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Pay him no mind, for he has shown he is obviously not deserving of it. Keep your head up. You’ve been so strong and you’ve gone through so much. Be kind and gentle with yourself, by focusing on your own needs and not worried about others is such a great investment you can make on yourself. Also, if he is still cheating on his gf, he’ll eventually get caught… just be glad you aren’t his gf.
May 27, 2014 at 3:34 pm #57509
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by MayraLuna.
If you’re within driving distance, and if things progress more seriously, then one should consider moving closer.
In my case, for my last LDR, we were 6 hours away, but we would spend every other weekend at the halfway point, so we would drive 3 hours in, it worked like a charm! it is not sustainable though, we spent a lot of $ on gas & hotels… so it does add up. On other weekends we would fly out to see the other. We did that for 6 months, and I eventually moved to the same city. Now what happened afterwards had nothing to do with the distance anymore.. 🙁 but that’s another thread.
Best of luck @bigblue & wish you much love on this journey. <3
May 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm #57438
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by MayraLuna.
LDR’s are extremely difficult. They’re great when you get to see that person, but when you part ways, and have to keep doing your thing, it takes a toll. I’ve been in 3 LDRs, the last of which I ended moving to the same city. It wont be easy, and you need to have a lot of trust and consistency to make things work. I don’t mean to be pessimistic at all, but like ALL relationships, they take work. Long distance just takes a lot more strength and patience. You can’t just fight and make up with the person and see them and hug it out, etc… When you fight in a LDR there’s this anxiety and frustration and you have to wait a while to have a face-to-face with that person. Sure, phone calls, Skype, text is helpful, but nothing can ever replace real human contact. Bottom line is it’s definitely possible, I just personally couldn’t handle it anymore.May 25, 2014 at 6:35 pm #57305
First off, I commend you for being so open and vulnerable, it is such a rare quality in a person. I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. You are not alone. I, too, am going through a painful loss. You sound like a wonderful, kind, and gentle person. Here’s a big virtual ::hug:: You will get through this. I know it sounds cliché but this too shall pass. I know it seems like you’ve had a set back, but think of the perspective that you’ve gained through it all. You have developed a sense of self-awareness that was probably not as present as it was in your previous relationship. Thank yourself for not throwing yourself into something that you weren’t comfortable or happy with. That girl obviously doesn’t have a good sense of people if she wasn’t able to sense that you weren’t ready for that kind of interaction. Just be kind to yourself, love yourself, give yourself the time and space to build yourself back up. remember, if you heal yourself truly from your past, you will be much happier in your present, and be able to establish something better and worthwhile in your future. Keep trekking forward. You aren’t alone in this journey, just know that you must keep pushing forward. So a leave you with these beautiful words that I read frequently to myself:
“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
May 24, 2014 at 3:14 pm #57242
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by MayraLuna.
@Katie, it sounds like those are not very good people to be around. You seem to have a balance and self-awareness that I would like some day, and it is probably that that brings out others’ insecurities. I mean, the fact that that guy called you a know-it-all, or whatever he said, says more about him than it does about you. Why would you want to surround yourself with people who don’t appreciate who you are and what you bring to the table. I would just block out the negativity and carry on. You did nothing wrong, you aren’t doing anything wrong, it is just a matter of not vibing well with those folks, and that is okay. We are meant to co-exist with other but that doesn’t mean we have to, nor does it mean you have to be forced to with those people. It would be different if it were family or in-laws or such. That guy just sounds like an insecure jerk.