Forum Replies Created
November 11, 2016 at 7:02 am #120114
Hi Anita, thank you so much. Reading your reply has helped me today to understand a bit more about the situation. It stopped me from clinging on as I had the urge to contact him and give him the power that he’s always had. This hurts like crazy but I can understand why I am like this and I will try to nurture myself because I know that he will not ever do that. I think that since a child I’ve felt insecure and it’s no wonder I didn’t get away sooner. It dawned on me today that I need to fix myself and feel better about who I am as a person before I embark on another relationship. I’m guessing it won’t be easy but this is the first time the penny’s dropped and I am admitting to myself that unless I sort this I will keep repeating the same scenario in my life. One day at a time right now I think as looking too far ahead scares the hell out of me . I bumped into a friend earlier & she mentioned Christmas! My head sank but I have to forget that because I have to stay on track with this no matter what.
Thank you again for your help xxNovember 10, 2016 at 3:33 pm #120077
Hi Anita, as much as I know you are right I’m really struggling to stay ok. It seems as though time is dragging and I’ve not managed to relax or enjoy a single second. I can’t sleep, watch or do anything. I didn’t realise it would feel this bad. The whole time I’m wondering what he’s doing and obsessing. It’s a horrible feeling that I can’t shake off right now.
I wish he had fought for me. But I need to accept this reality and know that the feelings I had for him are not the same on his part. I’m starting to even doubt his depression to be honest because quite honestly I feel pretty depressed and have done for months.
Anyway, there’s nothing that can be done I just have to ride this through and try to get a grip. I loved that man so much but when it’s not returned it hurts. I know I need to pick up and get the old me back. Not sure how but that is the goal.November 9, 2016 at 12:27 pm #120000
Hi Anita & gecko4, it’s done and I’ve got to be honest I cried so much last night that I thought I was going to break. I had a bad nights sleep woke up today and cried all way to work & at work.
Not sure why it hurts so much but it does. & knowing that he won’t care or miss me is horrible. He gave up months even years ago caring about me. He’s told me on a couple of occasions that he wasn’t sure if he loved me one minute & then a few days later changed his mind. I never stopped loving him throughout & regardless. When he was nice to me it lit up my world. But I’ve been a sap. It was all for nothing. Anyway, I’m going with my feelings this time & trying not to look back. I feel lost alone & what with xmas on its way it sucks. But what’s the point of being with someone who doesn’t love you back and who is off and on whenever the mood takes them, not to mention the anger outbursts the nasty comments being put down told you’re stupid etc. He was lovely to me sometimes and I miss those times because I felt like inside he did have a heart. But there was more disrespect and hatred towards me than anything else. & the more he was like this the more I clung on hoping he’d actually turn it around and just be loving. I can’t be that needy person anymore. I’m ashamed of myself really xxNovember 7, 2016 at 1:47 pm #119877
Hi Anita & Gecko4,
Thank you so much for your post and good advice. Fortunately he lives over an hour away from me so there is no danger of him coming around. & I honestly don’t think he will even care that we’re over. I think the last few months he’s been drawing away from me anyway and as he clearly thinks I’m worth nothing he will probably just get on with his own thing.
For me it is a bit harder because I’ve lost my confidence and don’t feel like I’m strong. I spent so much time listening & accepting all the negative stuff he said about me. Of course he was nice at times but when I look back he just didn’t act as though I meant anything to him. A small example – my car was stretched one night whilst parked outside his house. When I told him he said ‘oh well it’s not a biggie’ Then we found out his lodgers car also got stratched. She told me he offered to pay for the damage. So I asked him why he offered to pay for her car to be fixed but wasn’t even concerned about him. He just said ‘you’ve got a shit car so it doesn’t matter’ Anyway it’s just a small thing but it was one of many and upsetting.
Once when we spent a day in London coming back to the train station I accidentally led us to the wrong platform because it had been refurbished and I was confused. He went crazy and slammed his can of drink on the ground shouting and screaming at me that I was stupid for leading him the wrong way and ruining his birthday. People were staring in disbelief. Later when I said there was no need to get so angry as it was an honest mistake he still went on about how I had to be stupid to not know which platform it was?
The same happened when we went away for a few days. & when I had a car accident he was the only person who didn’t ask if was ok. He just said ‘oh well shit happens’ I am sick of it and it’s horrible watching him be lovely and charming to everyone but me. All I wanted was for him to show some concern. I think over time I just started thinking that maybe there is something wrong with me. But my friends and family and even people I meet out and about seem to respect me and visa versa so this is why I need him out of my life now. I want to just feel at ease and not constantly stressed or walking on eggshells. Sorry for rambling but on. I’m sure some of what I’ve written might not make sense but just wanted to give you an idea some of the stuff that got me down. Thanks again to you both for listening and I’ll keep you posted.
XxxxNovember 6, 2016 at 11:56 am #119773
Thank you. I’m so scared of how cruel he will be as I’m feeling so fragile. I’m not strong like he is & he always knows how to hit where it hurts as he knows me so well. It sucks but I have to deal with it. Just wish I didn’t feel anything as it would make this a lot easier. I already know he won’t care & I can just about get my head around that but if he starts telling me that I’m stupid anyway and he’s sick of me etc etc it’ll hurt xNovember 5, 2016 at 8:40 pm #119726
You are so right. I have gone over and over in my head how to do this. You are spot on. No explanation is necessary anymore.
I will keep you posted.
Thank you so much for your support xNovember 5, 2016 at 7:48 pm #119723
Yes, he is all of those things. When he is nice he is so charming but it’s like two different personalities. I’ve noticed that in front of people he will show that side and many people think he’s an amazing guy. However behind closed doors it’s very different. I used to think it was me that I was somehow just annoying to him but as I’ve been spending less time with him I can see that it’s not the case. He’s told me on a few occasions that I’m the cause of his depression – which is strange because he’s had it long before me & we only see each other at weekends & now one night & not every weekend because I’m too scared to be around him for too long. So yes it’s time for new beginnings. I have to concentrate on my new business and like you said it will be good practice. This has to be a new chapter. & I have to make it happenNovember 5, 2016 at 7:23 pm #119718
Thanks Anita, you are right. Not sure why I’ve not been able to do it. All I know is that I feel so miserable and that’s not how we’re supposed to feel in a relationship. All the small things like him ignoring my calls or texts and then telling me he ‘couldn’t be arsed to call me back’ There’s a list as long as my arm. But I do want my life back so I will try and take control this week. It’s scary but it will be worth it. I’d rather be on my own and lonely than deal with any more of his mental torture. & if I’m ugly so what!!! I’ll enjoy being ugly at home and embrace myself rather than have him make me feel that way x thank you for your advice. It’s much appreciated x