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Moving on from an unhealthy relationship

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  • November 10, 2016 at 3:33 pm #120077
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Anita, as much as I know you are right I’m really struggling to stay ok. It seems as though time is dragging and I’ve not managed to relax or enjoy a single second. I can’t sleep, watch or do anything. I didn’t realise it would feel this bad. The whole time I’m wondering what he’s doing and obsessing. It’s a horrible feeling that I can’t shake off right now.
    I wish he had fought for me. But I need to accept this reality and know that the feelings I had for him are not the same on his part. I’m starting to even doubt his depression to be honest because quite honestly I feel pretty depressed and have done for months.
    Anyway, there’s nothing that can be done I just have to ride this through and try to get a grip. I loved that man so much but when it’s not returned it hurts. I know I need to pick up and get the old me back. Not sure how but that is the goal.

    November 10, 2016 at 6:39 pm #120085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear stardust99:

    I am thinking, this is why you tolerated his disrespect and abuse all this time, because somehow it felt better than what you are feeling now…? What you are feeling is an indication that you are very attached to him.

    What is this attachment? A need to be with someone, a feeling that you will be okay if you will be with that someone. A feeling that you will not be okay for as long as you are away from that someone and the only way to be okay is to get back to that someone.

    A child feels this attachment to a parent, no matter who the parent is. The parent can be most abusive, and yet the child will feel the longing (much like what you are feeling) to be with the parent anyway. Lost of people feel this attachment that you are feeling to abusive wives/ husbands and that is why they either don’t leave the abusive relationships or if they leave, they go back again and again.

    Attachment to abusive people is common. The thing is, this feeling of attachment to him sends the message: I need to be with him! I will be okay if I will be with him! But this message is a lie. It does happen that our feelings lie to us and this is what is happening to you.

    Talk sense to yourself, tell yourself: I will NOT be okay if I am back with him. It only feels this way.

    When a child is abused by a parent, the child gets injured, is anxious, scared. So the child is in more need for comfort, for safety and is even more attached to the abusive parent than a child would be to a non-abusive parent.

    This man’s abuse of you weakened you, and as a result you are more needy of comfort and safety. And so, paradoxically, you feel intensely attached to him.

    This attachment does not mean that there is comfort and safety with him. It means you are scared. Comfort yourself, take good care of yourself as if you were (and part of you are) a scared little girl. Her hope is with you taking care of her and staying away from this man.

    anita

    November 11, 2016 at 7:02 am #120114
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you so much. Reading your reply has helped me today to understand a bit more about the situation. It stopped me from clinging on as I had the urge to contact him and give him the power that he’s always had. This hurts like crazy but I can understand why I am like this and I will try to nurture myself because I know that he will not ever do that. I think that since a child I’ve felt insecure and it’s no wonder I didn’t get away sooner. It dawned on me today that I need to fix myself and feel better about who I am as a person before I embark on another relationship. I’m guessing it won’t be easy but this is the first time the penny’s dropped and I am admitting to myself that unless I sort this I will keep repeating the same scenario in my life. One day at a time right now I think as looking too far ahead scares the hell out of me . I bumped into a friend earlier & she mentioned Christmas! My head sank but I have to forget that because I have to stay on track with this no matter what.
    Thank you again for your help xx

    November 11, 2016 at 7:32 am #120118
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear stardust99:

    You are welcome. Good thinking, in the last post: your thinking got together with your feelings and wisdom is the result. When you understand your feelings, you have a way to figure out what needs to be done, one day at a time.

    When we feel something strongly, and it doesn’t make sense, it is wise to examine the feeling for what it really means, because underneath the understanding that doesn’t make sense because it is bad for you (“to contact him and give him the power that he’s always had”), there is an understanding that does make sense because it is good for you:

    “nurture myself .. I need to fix myself and feel better about who I am… it won’t be easy… sort this…One day at a time… I have to stay on track with this no matter what.”

    Post anytime.

    anita

    June 28, 2017 at 3:42 am #155366
    R
    Participant

    How have you been poster?

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