I’m currently seeing a therapist for several issues: depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, and abandonment issues.

In 10 days it’ll be my 29th birthday and while I want to feel grateful and excited, I feel like I’m looking at life through a dark, dense cloud right now. A part of me isn’t sure what’s worth celebrating. I’ll be rounding out the last year of my 20s without the promotion at work I was hoping for, not engaged, not married, not a home owner, not a pet owner, and not a parent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m contributing to society or anyone’s life in a truly meaningful way.

I do have a boyfriend and we are planning to move in together in 4 months when my apartment lease is up. We love each other, but he’s so independent that inside I feel I wouldn’t be a significant loss to him. Obviously, this is my assumption and it may be a poor one and it may just be my “depression talking,” but that’s how I’ve felt lately.

On my birthday I’m going to get dinner with my boyfriend and then we’re going to meet up with a couple of my friends for drinks. It’ll be small and casual this year.

I just feel sad. It’s been a very rough past three years and sometimes a birthday feels like a benchmark of where you’re at in life… and needless to say I haven’t achieved even a fraction of what I’d hoped to at this point in my life. Actually, most of my life has consisted of more loss than gain. Honestly, it’s no wonder I don’t feel like I’m in a celabratory mood. I feel like despite my efforts, I’m just floundering through life.

I’ll admit if my boyfriend (we’ve been together for 1 year and 4 months) started talking about our future and potentially getting married someday I’d probably feel a little more “excited” or “hopeful” about the future because it would mean there are doors of opportunity ahead of me. We may get married. We may get a dog together. We may move to a new city that we love. We may want a family together someday.

We’ve talked about this, but he says he’s naturally a very “present-minded” person who likes to take things slowly and one step at a time (thus us being together for 1 year and 4 months and we haven’t moved in together yet… but that’s next in our “plans”). I just feel like I’m going to be very old by the time I can even consider having kids and that thought really brings me down.

I just needed to vent.

Main point of my topic: Any tips on how to manage a semi-nice birthday while battling depression?