I have found out the feelings that haunts me the most – shame and guilt. By definition, guilt focuses on behaviour and shame focuses on self. Lucky me – I get both. I always had this viewpoint: I do bad, therefore I am bad. Anyone else? Every poor choice then, that I have ever made becomes a character flaw. I have really never been good at handling my negative emotions – I hate feeling uncomfortable. I developed an eating disorder in grade 12 to cope – then abused alcohol when I couldn’t stand the binging and purging – then upgraded to abusing drugs. I hide ALL of this from everyone – for fear – who would love me if they knew who I “really was”. I know, that I am not that person – and having struggles doesn’t make me any less loveable – yah yah.. the brain is a funny thing though. I know this but still fear the judgments of others. Let me write here – my life has really took a turn for the better and my slips with alcohol and drugs is thankfully so few and far in-between …although still there. I hate admitting that. defected. flawed. gross.
People pleaser, perfectionist. Why have I seemingly only felt I deserved love if I was perfect? And lord knows now how can I be loved with all my very poor choices I have made. Now, I am a private person and I don’t believe in airing out your dirty laundry to everyone and their dog. Yet I also find that I have the belief system that I owe everyone and their dog a full play by play of my life. That it is not honest for me to not.. needless to say I don’t let very many people get too close. I am damaged – and feel like I need to get a grip on all my problems to be loved. I fall short. Every couple months I slip and drink and use – then feel overwhelming guilt and shame and so much anger towards myself. And hold your breath – don’t tell me to have self compassion – I KNOW better than to make those choices. I think it through – yet I still make the wrong one. Failure – not worthy of the healthy fit person I am today. (I should add the last three years I have found my passion that is fitness and weight training – I love myself more than I ever have – fitness saved my life) then I go and do something that is so far from who I am now. I feel like a hypocrite. unworthy. ashamed.
Bottom line.. how can I let people in when I am so ashamed of my life – of my choices – of me at times. I only have self love when I am making no mistakes – and ha that is a tough thing to maintain! I try my hardest to be perfect for fear that anything less would make me unlovable.
so much fear. I don’t accept my flaws. Don’t know if I ever will. I just put enough time that it makes those mistakes a memory. Never forgave myself though.. don’t know if I will.
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