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Should I break up or stay with him?

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  • #216669
    rach
    Participant

    I’m dating a good guy, who I believe has a lot of potential. We don’t bicker over small things, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and we have the same life morals/values.

    But he won’t take care of himself, and I am completely drained from always taking care of him. He’s a problem drinker, for every single little problem. Before he even looks at the problem and considers a solution, he is drowning himself in alcohol for 1-2 weeks. It doesnt matter how big or small the problem is. At first I was very compassionate and tried to help him, because I understand he must be hurting, but he only got worse. I’m super sensitive about this because my mom was an alcoholic who was abusive to me, and she died due to drug and alcohol abuse. Dating a guy like this scares me, as I don’t want to have my childhood repeated. I get really angry at him, out of fear, and now it seems like we are always fighting. When he binges, I feel so neglected and abandoned. And I will spend so much energy helping him, that when it’s over I’m completely drained. And when he’s sober he doesn’t give me attention that I feel would help me bounce back. I don’t expect him to be fully nurture me, but I crave so deeply is for him to acknowledge and show that he understands how much he is hurting me. Through the drinking, he is constantly going behind my back and lying to me, and one time he went behind my back and slept at the house of a girl he used to hook up with, but I know he didn’t cheat on me, just passed out drunk on the floor. It still really hurt me, and I’ve been working so hard on letting all this go, but my trust in him has completely shattered.. Tt’s been a year of this, on repeat, where every two weeks there is a binge, then for a week following that he is suffering from withdrawals. That’s 3 weeks/ month where he is “absent” and 1 week per month where I can have a boyfriend in my life. Now I’m either numb, or incredibly angry and heartbroken. I’m scared I lost all chances of happiness with this guy.

    He is very good at listening to me, and we communicate our feelings very well. When I express a problem I have, he changes. This has been the case multiple times. I know he wants us to work, and that if he could just figure out what to do, he would do it. But the drinking seems to be something he can’t control super well. He has been sober for a month now, but only because whenever he tried to drink I freaked out on him and started crying. I know he can stay sober if he doesn’t drink, but once he has just 1 beer, he can’t stop. This has put a huge strain on our social life, which needless to say it is a huge struggle for a young couple (we are both 23), since going out for drinks is such a common past time. I feel like I have to sacrifice a lot for him.

    Money is an issue. He can’t afford therapy. I don’t know how to get him help.

    I understand relationships take sacrifice and work, but when is it time to say “I love you and want the best for you, but it’s time for me to walk away” for the sake of my own sanity and happiness? I’ve become so cold and angry that I feel like I can’t even be a loving girlfriend anymore. I’m holding onto the hope that we can heal and move forward, because there are moments when the sun seems to be shining and I feel that our relationship has the potential to be fully restored. Then that faith gets shattered when he binges again, and I get so discouraged and depressed.

    Any kind advice would be greatly appreciated. I don’t have a support system that is very empathetic. All my friends say “If he doesn’t stop drinking, then he doesn’t love you.” I don’t believe this to be true.

    #216731
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear rach:

    I too disagree with what your friends say, that “If he doesn’t stop drinking, then he doesn’t love you”- his drinking has nothing to do with love and everything to do with his habit and his motivation to feel better. This statement (quoted here) can be harmful to you, really, because it suggests that you have power over his drinking.

    You asked, “when is it time to say ‘I love you and want the best for you, but it’s time for me to walk away’ or the sake of my sanity and happiness?”-

    I would say now is the time. His drinking habits are severe enough to disturb and distress any person in a close relationship with him, I think. I suppose part of your motivation to help him is the motivation you had, did you not, to help your mother?

    anita

     

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