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Should I call her? HELP

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  • #181333
    jayce
    Participant

    On a journey overseas I met a girl and when I came back home we kept on touch daily, as the months passed we visited each other several times, and we engaged a LDR. To make it true, we plan a goal which was that I would go to her country to live with and marry her following their customs. Previously I would make some visits more for a few months to test myself in her country and also getting everything ready.

    I did some visits to her country again but nearer the date more depressed I was: I started to experience many feelings as an enormous sense of guilt for abandoning my mother who’s a widow, getting older and in part she’s somehow dependent of me because of her mental illness. Feeling of huge fear because in her culture families are formed from very early years, between 20 and 26 y.o. and she’s 30 y.o. The idea of she to coming here was discarded because she doesn’t like my country, which complicates it too much when it comes to adapt, and also in my country It could be more complicated, because the standard of living is much higher.

    Despite all that I kept firm with my decision and I kept dealing with all those feelings alone, we met a few times more and I did all the things and paperwork I had to do. Everything went well until I made the last visit there. Since the second day I was in a terrible state of shock and anxiety due to the pressure. I felt ashamed too because I’m a serious person, with strong values and I was giving a terrible image there. I just wanted to do my best and showed myself as I am. But was too late, I was devastated. I’m not naive, my major concerns when I made the choice were mostly to find work, language, culture, paperwork, money, also knew that I should struggle with homesick and stay active to avoid depressions and feelings of emptiness… but I never thought it was going to be smashed by a supernova of negative feelings and the worst, I wasn’t able to control it!

    All my worries is about her future, because in her country the customs doesn’t allow affairs as could be in western culture. It can’t be so easy as go-and-try, it must to be go-and-marry-her-first, marry her isn’t the problem of course but I’m afraid if I can’t find a job or adapt the rest of life there what’s next, leave her there near forties as a older-single-loser woman as her culture rules? I really was afraid of let her down. After a few weeks of my return I broke up with her because I couldn’t take it anymore, I was too scared to go ahead and won’t be able to control those feelings so I preferred to put me away and let her free.

    It have been about ten months since then and I’m still missing her so bad as the first day. The latest weeks I have felt tempted to contact her again and assuming that she’d accept to hear what I have to say. Did I do well let her free for a better future or should I being reckless and go there with her and don’t care about nothing? 

    I appreciate your feedback, and please, feel free to comment about. Thanks in advance!

    #181389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayce:

    Reads to me like you did the right thing when you broke up with her because you “couldn’t take it anymore”.

    And there is a whole lot to take moving to a different country, and to top that, from a Western country to a non-Western country, a different culture.

    You wrote that you had no doubts about marrying her, but you had serious doubts about being able to be employed there. Understandable.

    Regarding “Should I call her?”- I am thinking there is a chance for this relationship only if she moves to your country, correct? Do you think she may have changed her feelings about living where you do?

    anita

    #181403
    jayce
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The last time we talked we discussed about that and for the first time she told me she wanted to come here but I refused the idea just because I felt desperation in her words like she wanted to come just for me not for her, like aware that she doesn’t really like the idea. To me it looks like in short term would be pleasant but in long term it might brings us a lot of pain. I can see her like as a withered rose here, married with the man she loves but feeling miserable at the same time. Furthermore I know she’s more attach to her relatives than I’m with mine (I just suffered for my mom and just one relative hurts a lot).

    So, the only chance (just in the case) is me to go there. In her customs being together must to be for life so this is a one round ticket. I’ve no doubt about her but I’m worried if I’ll be able to stand there for life so far in a country so different from mine, assuming I can stabilise myself (employment, paperworks, etc). I’m really afraid about within a few years feel trapped in her country and I don’t want to be selfish and let her down if any of my worries show up.

    I don’t want to be wrong and play around with her life but at the same time I can’t forget her real love and her good heart. This agony is killing me.

    I know everything looks very complex. Thank you for your time!

    #181407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayce:

    You wrote: “I can’t forget her real love”- what is the nature of her “real love” and how is it different from the kind of love you experienced so far in your life?

    anita

    #181421
    jayce
    Participant

    I’m in the middle of thirty, and humbly I had several relationships in my life of different kind. Most of this girls are wonderful people, those relationships didn’t work, I accepted it, suffered my pain, wished my best for all of them and never looked back because I’m a resilient and positive person.

    So I’ve experienced love in different ways with different personalities but I have never felt something like that before. Respect, support, goodness, concern, determination and admiration unconditionally, she made me feel peace all the time and enriched my soul but overall and the the most impressive for me is I never ever met someone whom understand me like her, it’s like she’s connected to my brain. And of course I’ve treated her my best and she has always proven to value it. We understand each other in everything and we connect like a good team from the mutual respect and love. I never felt all that before.

    Perhaps in my life without her I might find other good girl even more beautiful physically than her as other girls I’ve met before… but honestly all that doesn’t mean nothing to me. Her inner beauty is something that I’m afraid that perhaps I won’t feel again in my life, it’s very hard to find.

     

     

    #181489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayce:

    You wrote in your recent post that she understands you very well, “like she’s connected to (your) brain”-

    does she know then, being connected to your brain as much as she has been, does she  understand your dilemma, your thoughts and feelings as expressed here on your thread?

    If so, what did  she  say to you, what were  her suggestions as to how to move  forward?

    For  example, when she  expressed to you last that she  may want to  move to your country, and you were afraid that she and you will be unhappy  on the long run with this kind of move, did you tell her this concern, did she know about it, and what did  she say to it?

    anita

    #181591
    jayce
    Participant

    She told me that was ready to fight for us, take the risk and face everything with me, that perhaps will be rocky and tough for her but at least we are together. Also in previous conversations in the past time she told me that doesn’t like my country (she was here with me once) and when you move abroad for love this is very important thing. Furthermore she ask me if she couldn’t resist here if she could come back to her country without resentment, so it confirmed to me that she wasn’t 100% sure about to come here… And of course if this scenario would be like that she would come back to her country with some years more and there a girl in the middle of the thirty, single or divorce it’s over and a great dishonour for the family. That’s why I rejected the idea because she need to have more motivations to come here, not just me.

    So the only way to make it true would be me to go there but I’m too scared about being able to control those feelings of guiltiness because of my mom and can’t knowing if within ten or twenty years forward I won’t feel trapped in her country 6.700 miles from my country (this doubt freak me out a lot). I’m so scared to be wrong if I try to get her back.

    #181599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayce:

    Your question was: “Should I  call her?”-

    My answer: no. Better not.

    Better let  it go, let her go, in your mind and in action. As painful as it is, reads to me like this is the better  choice. Your concern for her reads reasonable to me, her age  and possible return to her country, a possibility she herself brought up.

    * Will be  back to the computer in about 17 hours. Take care  of yourself, jayce.

    anita

    #181689
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jacyce:

    One more thought regarding the idea of you moving to her country: your anxiety there, your guilt, depression and distress is very likely to be so great that it will damage her. Her life is likely to be miserable because of your distress, in her presence, in her country. On paper, so to speak, this solution can look good but day in, day out, week after week, the distress will simply be too great to make it workable.

    We have to fit our solutions to who we are, to our emotional capabilities, one of which is anxiety. We shouldn’t put ourselves in situations that will escalate that existing anxiety.

    anita

    #181781
    jayce
    Participant

    Maybe it’s the best, leave it as is…

    Thank you very much Anita for your time and patient, it has been very helpful for me to talk with you.

     

    #181801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, jayce. I think it is best, to leave it as is. Post again anytime you would like.

    anita

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