January 24, 2020 at 4:51 pm #334938
Kind of sitting in a negative spiraling situation right now that has been going on for a long time now. And I thought it would change over some amount of time, but sadly it didn’t. Let me explain.. Maybe the situation is kind of common I guess?
I was in my first year of university and around the second semester I created Tinder for fun when I was bored once. I didn’t have really had any intentions with this, just the concept I thought it would be fun to experience once. Not two days later I matched with a boy and we started talking. I instantly got attracted (the photo’s he had on his account). And we talked. Nevertheless it was not anything deep, just very casual. Somehow it didn’t get bored at all and we talked till late at night. And I always putted on the notification sounds ON at his chat. So, even though, maybe.. when he texts randomly at 2 pm, I would be woken up by the notification sounds, to reply to his text messages. Its crazy I know.. (SIDENOTE: he didn’t really text me late late at night, most of the time it was in the morning, late afternoon, in the evening etc…) Deep down, the feeling that I got (butterflies, excitement when I saw his name poppin’ op on my phone) was not really REAL, because you know.. I never met that guy. In the few weeks we talked, he moved out of his parents house and moved in in a student house. Since then, the texting has stopped. Maybe he was just bored? Not two weeks later (still texting occasionally), the texting stopped.. I asked him, what do you want with this situation? He replied with ‘ um, i don’t really know you and I’ve never met you.. so’ And I was kind of shocked.
This was in February.
-two months later-
We somehow got connected again, with sending just random snaps. And we talked like we never had a ‘ break ‘. I was happy. The feelings in the two months were slowly fading away but in a split second it came all back again. We texted occasionally. especially at night, because each of us had our schedules and appointments. Not a while after, we met each other at a bar. We talked till 11 at then I went home. It was kind of awkward not gonna lie. Although it was not a strong spark I felt very comfortable. Like I belonged. After then, we saw each other three/four times a week. We hang out at each others places, most of the times watching Netflix etc. eating together, and you know other things. But this routine kind of got bored. Due to our schedules we met up late afternoons. Weirdly, the crush feelings went away I got at first. And when that went away.. I noticed other things.. Like our humor didn’t match sometimes. And I find humor like one of the most important things. That realization shocked me. Wasn’t he the one? What if I want to break up? The chemistry from then, quickly went away when I got doubts about the relationship. And since then ( three months later), the doubting feelings are still here. It’s like the more I think about it, the more it gets in my head. The little things (opening doors, helping me with stuff, cooking for me) I don’ t appreciate it anymore in a romantically way. I got stressed out. I was confused about my feelings. He is the type of guy that wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was always (emotionally) available, attentive, loving, social,…I have a long list. Yet still, the feelings are gone. Just like that. And later, I doubted if it was the humor, because lately we are growing together and we have more laughing moments… But the feelings didn’t came back. Of course, sometimes I have a spark in my stomach when I see him/ when we are together, and the minute I got that feeling, I think about all the doubting feelings and immediately it goes away. The doubting feelings are things like, situations that didn’t go to plan, fights, jokes he didn’t get. I don’t know what to do. Because it feels sometimes that the relationship isn’t worth it anymore. The thought about leaving him makes me relieved yet also very sad. In a situation, when he goes away a few days, I really miss him being with me. But when I see him like four days a week, I kind of get bored and the feelings are just 80% gone. And I don’t know if I would be really relieved? Maybe that means that I don’t have to deal with those doubting feelings anymore and wouldn’t say anything about the relationship itself. But when he went away for a few days I really missed him and it was so good to meet each other again when he came back…
Props to you, if you have read this so far.
Any tips for this confused human being?
thanksJanuary 24, 2020 at 5:30 pm #334948
Feelings of being in love, these are like wind, flowing air. You can’t catch wind and hold it in your hands. And they don’t stay the same, these feelings, like air, sometimes it is a breeze, at other times a strong wind, and yet at times, stale air, nothing is moving.
Don’t have unrealistic expectations when it comes to feeling in love, butterflies and all. Let’s say you watch a movie, a passionate love story.. the two are passionate non stop for a whole.. two hours. Real life is longer than two hours, days and nights, weeks, months, years, passion cannot happen all the time. And it doesn’t. Sometimes the air is stale, not moving, at other times a breeze- it never stays the same for long.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaJanuary 24, 2020 at 5:59 pm #334952
There is more to your story than what I addressed right above. The above is just one topic. Another topic is your anxiety when he is around you for too long. Will you write more about it?
I will be away from the computer for about 12 hours. Hope to read more from you when I am back.
anitaJanuary 25, 2020 at 3:33 am #334978
As anita described, it couldn’t be more perfect. Still, I’d be more than glad to put my two cents.
As cliched as it might sound: relationship is a two-way road. This is a basic and necessary thing to understand. While, love is a wind (per anita’s metaphor) that cannot be controlled, relationship has to be something controlled by balanced by both sides. Love sees no side, but as bitter it sounds- relationship does. It doesn’t mean good relationships are balanced and always remain like that. Even the most mature and long-term relationships stumble upon these questions like you’ve been doing.
The thing is: vulnerability. Try to be vulnerable enough to show the other side what your side have been fretting upon. This two-way road works by letting the traffic flow from your side first. On days you doubt your chemistry, on days you feel saddened by the thought of you two breaking up, on days you feel so confused that you feel relieved by staying alone instead. On all those days, you need to let the other side know. Don’t try to ‘over-do’ your talks, but still let them know too. These little “instincts” and blocking out feelings on this make up to invisible mess that you get your relationship tangled up into. And simultaneously, the attachment keeps growing too, and in time it just ends up hurting both people way more than it should’ve at the start.
Obviously, fun is the key. Like you said, sense of humor. Obviously, those things matter too. But try considering your relationship as a whole, since you’re at the position of growing emotionally attached with them.
(plus, i’m making a wild guess on the overthinking or past experiences. Is there something related to any of these two..?)
Anyway, I wish you luck on everything you do. Bless you
Apologies for anything that shouldn’t have been mentioned